There are NO SPOILERS IN THIS POST! I’m not going to be a dick and ruin the movie for any of you, so relax. That said, I took the day off from work so I could watch the Dark Knight Rises…at 9:30 AM…alone. Unfortunately nothing went according to plan. Here’s a recap of the events (and not a recap of the movie).
Editor’s Note: I’m fully aware of the tragedy that took place in Colorado and my prayers go out to the families of the victims. I sincerely hope that none of you think this post is in poor taste, but in a time of such crisis and sadness – I only intended to add a little levity by sharing my crazy morning with all of you. I by no means intend to belittle the horrific events of 7/20.
To provide a little background, I’m a sucker for superhero movies. I knew that this was going to drop on July 20th, so I requested the day off months in advance to see how this trilogy would end. Mommy Doin’ Work had no desire to watch it with me, so I was on my own.
Here’s the recap of events.
9:15 AM: I arrived at the theater. I figured that the place would be pretty empty since it was a 9:30 AM showing on a Friday. I was wrong. The place was packed with a sea of geeks. Apparently I was one of them.
9:20 AM: I find my seat and I’m sitting next to a nerd wearing a Batman mask. Seriously. You can’t make this shit up. We have the following conversation:
Nerd: “Hey bro!”
Nerd: “You by yourself?”
Nerd: “Cool! I came by myself too!”
Nerd: “Where’s your wife or girlfriend? Why are you by yourself?”
Me: “She’s at work and has no interest in this movie. So why are you wearing a Batman mask?”
Nerd: “Because it’s a BATMAN MOVIE! Duh!”
Me: “That’s completely logical. Thanks for setting me straight.”
***more awkward silence***
Nerd: “So who do you think would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine?”
The ten minutes prior to the previews starting were easily the longest ten minutes of my life.
9:30 AM: This movie theater had a Hype Man. You know what I’m talking about – some fool who uses lame tricks to get the crowd excited. Here was his schtick via microphone.
Hype Man: ”Helllllllooooooo everybody!!!! How are we feeling this morning??”
One person in the crowd: “Good.”
Hype Man: “No, that’s not good enough. I said HOW ARE WE FEELING THIS MORNING!?!?”
Dude, we’re a bunch of grown ass men and women watching a superhero movie at 9:30 AM, how the hell do you think we feel? Also, this isn’t an MMA event. You don’t want to get people hyped for a movie, you want them to shut the hell up and watch quietly. I make a mental note to send an email to the corporate offices after the show.
9:45 AM: I prepared for this movie like I was going into surgery: No food or drink past midnight. The movie was long and I didn’t want to get up to use the bathroom. Of course the movie is about to begin and I had to pee. I’m angry, but I had no choice but to go.
9:50 AM: On my way back from the bathroom, I trip going up the stairs and my cell phone goes flying into the aisle in front of where I was sitting and hits a girl in the head. I apologize to her as I’m on my hands and knees to pick it up. She was not happy with me.
9:51 AM: Bat-Dork sitting next to me whispers, “Hey, want me to fill you in on what you missed?” I can feel the Bat-nose from his mask tickling my ear and I’m completely creeped out. I provide a sheepish, “no thanks” and do everything I can to prevent myself from curling up in the fetal position and crying.
10:15 AM: I realize how damn good-looking Anne Hathaway is. Not quite sure how she didn’t appear on my radar until now.
10:30 AM: I never turn my phone off at movies, but I’m also not that guy who leaves the ringer on either. I always keep it on vibrate just in case there’s an emergency. For the past ten minutes my phone is blowing up. Somebody is trying to reach me desperately. I wonder, “Is Daughter Doin’ Work kicking another kid’s ass at day care again?” or “Is Katie Couric attempting to contact me for an interview?” Anyway, I ignore the phone and continue watching the movie.
10:40 AM: I’m not completely sure what it would be like to have a sex toy in my pocket, but I figure it would be similar to what I experienced this morning. The phone would not stop vibrating. I make the decision to step outside of the theater to see who’s calling me.
10:41 AM: It’s Grandma Doin’ Work (my mom) who kept calling me incessantly. I call her back to find out what’s going on.
Me: “Hey mom, is everything OK?”
GDW: “Yes it is. Why didn’t you answer the phone?”
Me: “Because I’m busy. What’s up?”
GDW: “I read your blog entry this morning. It was excellent!”
Me: “Thanks mom. Can I call you back? I’m in the middle…”
GDW: “So why are you writing for a woman who searches for babies in dumpsters?”
Me: “HA! No, mom…she’s not literally looking for babies in dumpsters. It’s just a…”
GDW: “Don’t lie to me. I saw the picture on her page. Does she run an adoption service for babies found in the trash? What type of a website is that? The government should shut her down. She should just a run a legal service instead. I know someone who…”
Me: ***raising voice*** “Mom! Nobody is running a dumpster baby adoption ring! NOBODY! Do you think I would work with someone who searches for babies in dumpsters?? Really??”"
***The people within earshot look at me as if I’m nuts***
GDW: “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
Me: “Ugh…mom, let me call you back later, OK?”
GDW: “OK, love you – bye!”
10:47 AM: I’m back in my seat and I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this movie. I was tempted to ask Bat-Fool, but the thought of his bat nose and hot bat breath in my ear made me queasy. I became angry.
11:15 AM: Speaking of queasy, someone in my general vicinity let out a silent fart that smelled like a combination of rotten eggs, toe-jam, testicle sweat, and elephant feces. I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next 15 minutes.
11:45 AM: One my least favorite movie patrons made an appearance this morning: “Oh Shit guy.” He’s the guy who audibly says “Oh shit!” when something cool or exciting happens during a movie. Luckily on his third “Oh shit!” he got his ass thrown out. I would’ve chuckled, but the severe migraine and nose bleed I received from the release of the biological weapon 30 minutes prior prevented that.
12:08 PM: The movie ends and I’m starving. I get up to leave and Bat-Nerd grabs my arm.
Nerd: “Dude! You have to sit through the credits!!”
Me: “Why are you touching me right now?”
Nerd: “Lighten up, bro.”
Me: “Look, I’m hungry and I want to get some lunch. I’m leaving.”
Nerd: “Give me your contact information and I’ll let you know if there’s a bonus scene at the end.”
I give him the name and number of a guy that I can’t stand and I inform Bat-Geek to call me (aka, him) for a recap. I also told him that late at night and very early in the morning are the best times to reach me (him) – and if he doesn’t reach me (him) to keep trying until I (he) picks up. Memo to all of you – never delete the contact information of your enemies for that reason.
In closing, words cannot describe the horrific events that took place in Colorado on the night of 7/20. As a father, it saddens me that I have to worry for my daughter’s safety if she wants to simply enjoy a movie with her friends once she gets older. At the time of this post, I’m not sure what the gunman’s motives were for this heinous act – but truthfully, it doesn’t really matter. All I know is that I’ll hug my daughter a little tighter today than I did yesterday and I hope you all do the same with your kids.
God bless the families of the victims.