The Dark DDW Rises…Early

There are NO SPOILERS IN THIS POST! I’m not going to be a dick and ruin the movie for any of you, so relax. That said, I took the day off from work so I could watch the Dark Knight Rises…at 9:30 AM…alone. Unfortunately nothing went according to plan. Here’s a recap of the events (and not a recap of the movie). 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Editor’s Note: I’m fully aware of the tragedy that took place in Colorado and my prayers go out to the families of the victims. I sincerely hope that none of you think this post is in poor taste, but in a time of such crisis and sadness – I only intended to add a little levity by sharing my crazy morning with all of you. I by no means intend to belittle the horrific events of 7/20. 

 

To provide a little background, I’m a sucker for superhero movies. I knew that this was going to drop on July 20th, so I requested the day off months in advance to see how this trilogy would end. Mommy Doin’ Work had no desire to watch it with me, so I was on my own.

Here’s the recap of events.

 

9:15 AM: I arrived at the theater. I figured that the place would be pretty empty since it was a 9:30 AM showing on a Friday. I was wrong. The place was packed with a sea of geeks. Apparently I was one of them.

 

9:20 AM: I find my seat and I’m sitting next to a nerd wearing a Batman mask. Seriously. You can’t make this shit up. We have the following conversation:

Nerd: “Hey bro!”

Me: “‘Hey.”

Nerd: “You by yourself?”

Me: “Yep.”

Nerd: “Cool! I came by myself too!”

Me: “Shocking.”

***awkward silence***

Nerd: “Where’s your wife or girlfriend? Why are you by yourself?”

Me: “She’s at work and has no interest in this movie. So why are you wearing a Batman mask?”

Nerd: “Because it’s a BATMAN MOVIE! Duh!”

Me: “That’s completely logical. Thanks for setting me straight.”

***more awkward silence***

Nerd: “So who do you think would win in a fight between Batman and Wolverine?”

The ten minutes prior to the previews starting were easily the longest ten minutes of my life.

 

9:30 AM: This movie theater had a Hype Man. You know what I’m talking about – some fool who uses lame tricks to get the crowd excited. Here was his schtick via microphone.

Hype Man: “Helllllllooooooo everybody!!!! How are we feeling this morning??”

One person in the crowd: “Good.”

Hype Man: “No, that’s not good enough. I said HOW ARE WE FEELING THIS MORNING!?!?”

Dude, we’re a bunch of grown ass men and women watching a superhero movie at 9:30 AM, how the hell do you think we feel? Also, this isn’t an MMA event. You don’t want to get people hyped for a movie, you want them to shut the hell up and watch quietly. I make a mental note to send an email to the corporate offices after the show.

 

9:45 AM: I prepared for this movie like I was going into surgery: No food or drink past midnight. The movie was long and I didn’t want to get up to use the bathroom. Of course the movie is about to begin and I had to pee. I’m angry, but I had no choice but to go.

 

9:50 AM: On my way back from the bathroom, I trip going up the stairs and my cell phone goes flying into the aisle in front of where I was sitting and hits a girl in the head. I apologize to her as I’m on my hands and knees to pick it up. She was not happy with me.

 

9:51 AM: Bat-Dork sitting next to me whispers, “Hey, want me to fill you in on what you missed?” I can feel the Bat-nose from his mask tickling my ear and I’m completely creeped out. I provide a sheepish, “no thanks” and do everything I can to prevent myself from curling up in the fetal position and crying.

 

10:15 AM: I realize how damn good-looking Anne Hathaway is. Not quite sure how she didn’t appear on my radar until now.

 

10:30 AM: I never turn my phone off at movies, but I’m also not that guy who leaves the ringer on either. I always keep it on vibrate just in case there’s an emergency. For the past ten minutes my phone is blowing up. Somebody is trying to reach me desperately. I wonder, “Is Daughter Doin’ Work kicking another kid’s ass at day care again?” or “Is Katie Couric attempting to contact me for an interview?” Anyway, I ignore the phone and continue watching the movie.

 

10:40 AM: I’m not completely sure what it would be like to have a sex toy in my pocket, but I figure it would be similar to what I experienced this morning. The phone would not stop vibrating. I make the decision to step outside of the theater to see who’s calling me.

 

10:41 AM: It’s Grandma Doin’ Work (my mom) who kept calling me incessantly. I call her back to find out what’s going on.

Me: “Hey mom, is everything OK?”

GDW: “Yes it is. Why didn’t you answer the phone?”

Me: “Because I’m busy. What’s up?”

GDW: “I read your blog entry this morning. It was excellent!”

Me: “Thanks mom. Can I call you back? I’m in the middle…”

GDW: “So why are you writing for a woman who searches for babies in dumpsters?”

Me: “HA! No, mom…she’s not literally looking for babies in dumpsters. It’s just a…”

GDW: “Don’t lie to me. I saw the picture on her page. Does she run an adoption service for babies found in the trash? What type of a website is that? The government should shut her down. She should just a run a legal service instead. I know someone who…”

Me: ***raising voice*** “Mom! Nobody is running a dumpster baby adoption ring! NOBODY! Do you think I would work with someone who searches for babies in dumpsters?? Really??””

***The people within earshot look at me as if I’m nuts***

GDW: “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”

Me: “Ugh…mom, let me call you back later, OK?”

GDW: “OK, love you – bye!”

 

10:47 AM: I’m back in my seat and I have no idea what the fuck is going on in this movie. I was tempted to ask Bat-Fool, but the thought of his bat nose and hot bat breath in my ear made me queasy. I became angry.

 

11:15 AM: Speaking of queasy, someone in my general vicinity let out a silent fart that smelled like a combination of rotten eggs, toe-jam, testicle sweat, and elephant feces. I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next 15 minutes.

 

11:45 AM: One my least favorite movie patrons made an appearance this morning: “Oh Shit guy.” He’s the guy who audibly says “Oh shit!” when something cool or exciting happens during a movie. Luckily on his third “Oh shit!” he got his ass thrown out. I would’ve chuckled, but the severe migraine and nose bleed I received from the release of the biological weapon 30 minutes prior prevented that.

 

12:08 PM: The movie ends and I’m starving. I get up to leave and Bat-Nerd grabs my arm.

Nerd: “Dude! You have to sit through the credits!!”

Me: “Why are you touching me right now?”

Nerd: “Lighten up, bro.”

Me: “Look, I’m hungry and I want to get some lunch. I’m leaving.”

Nerd: “Give me your contact information and I’ll let you know if there’s a bonus scene at the end.”

Me: “Sure.”

I give him the name and number of a guy that I can’t stand and I inform Bat-Geek to call me (aka, him) for a recap. I also told him that late at night and very early in the morning are the best times to reach me (him) – and if he doesn’t reach me (him) to keep trying until I (he) picks up. Memo to all of you – never delete the contact information of your enemies for that reason.

 

In closing, words cannot describe the horrific events that took place in Colorado on the night of 7/20. As a father, it saddens me that I have to worry for my daughter’s safety if she wants to simply enjoy a movie with her friends once she gets older. At the time of this post, I’m not sure what the gunman’s motives were for this heinous act – but truthfully, it doesn’t really matter. All I know is that I’ll hug my daughter a little tighter today than I did yesterday and I hope you all do the same with your kids.

God bless the families of the victims.

 

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. Liz says

    LMAO! I don’t remember the last time I laughed this hard!! “Toe-jam, testicle sweat, and elephant feces”?? You are too much!

    I gotta admit, the CO stuff has put me in a bad mood all day, but this post changed everything. You have a GIFT, DDW! I am so happy that I found you and your blog. You are easily the Internet’s best kept secret! :)

  2. Shirlene Watson says

    I think your blog is funny. Seems to me you need to go see the movie again in a few weeks. Maybe no geeks will bother you. I don’t feel the blog is distasteful regarding recent events. My heart goes out to the victims and families. It is sad that it seems we are at the point where no public venue is safe. I really wish people would get their heads out of their butts. We all need to be more caring and respectful of one another.

  3. says

    LMAO. I was at the trilogy marathon last night, and although I am a “Bat-Geek”, I was not in costume. There WAS however, a Bane cosplay (it was eerily accurate) and a hype-man at my show as well, so you were spot on, my friend.

    Prayers to the victims in CO. Fallen fans and innocent people whose lives have forever been changed by one misguided idiot.
    SooperDad recently posted..Obliviously Obliviant to the OblivionMy Profile

    • says

      Word up, SooperDad. I’m more of a Marvel comic book geek than DC, but I’ve always enjoyed Batman. Prayers to the victims in CO, indeed. What a sad day for the American people.

  4. says

    LOL Omg, I am so sorry you had to sit next to Bat-dork but I have to admit, um… I would totally wear a Batman mask to the movie. I wore an Animal shirt, as well as my daughter having a Muppet shirt on, when we went to go see The Muppets last year.

    Also, I just had a conversation with my fiance.. He said Wolverine would totally win, unless Batman had a very large and very strong magnet.

    I suggest you go see it again, and with your phone off, and maybe bring a dude with you so if you missed any other parts, you wouldn’t be creeped out by a stranger.
    Nicole recently posted..The Good, The Bad, And The Lego ElephantMy Profile

    • says

      C’mon Nicole – there’s a BIG difference between dressing up in cute animal shirts with your daughter for the Muppets and grown-ass people dressing up as superheroes – but I know what you’re getting at. And yes – Wolverine would kick Batman’s ass during Round 1…no contest! Man, I’m much more of a dork than I realized :)

  5. says

    Thank you for the laugh. I so wish I could go to movies by myself, but after reading this, I’m not sure that would work either. Last time I went with my own mother and I wanted to punch her in the mouth by the time it was over just so she would shut the hell up.

    I am seriously your newest, biggest fan. Love it and am praying for those families in Colorado as well. Keep up the good work :)

  6. TropicallyAnon says

    I love your writing style, your “rotten eggs, toe-jam, testicle sweat, and elephant feces” comment had me laughing til I was snorting with tears streaming down my face. We don’t have a hype man and I pray we never do; who the hell wants that first thing in the morning?! Bat-Fool, Bat-Dork, Bat-Geek, hilarious! Oh my gosh I just snorted some more!

    • says

      HA! It was much less funny when it was actually happening, but I can look back on it and smile now. Just another crazy day in the life of DDW, I guess.

  7. MiguelFigueroa says

    I m still freaking laughing! Too damn funny! My one year old was looking at me like I was a freak show! Good reads.

  8. Shannon says

    I laughed until my stomach hurt. I love your blog. You are straight up, 100% real. I like it.

  9. says

    Bat-Dork is the reason I go to these opening events! It never ceases to amaze me what a grown-ass man will wear in the name of fandom for a comic book character. And you know that same uber-dork makes fun of all the Biebs and Channing Tatum fans when he’s not in his tights and bat-mask! For future reference, though, the Bat-dorks sit farther away from you if you slather on copious amounts of Vicks Vapor Rub and clear your throat a lot during the show– just sayin’! Thanks for the laugh!
    Christina Allred recently posted..This Week’s Hairbrained Musings (8)My Profile

  10. says

    Lol, “I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next 15 minutes.” Thanks for making me laugh first thing on a rainy Monday morning!
    Anne recently posted..ArtbeatMy Profile

  11. says

    My daughter went on opening night with all the bat geeks. I saw a couple of pics on her instagram of bat masks on a couple of kids. I tend to wait a week or so to not fight crowds. My wife and I went today and 11:30 am. Hardly anybody in the theater. It was nice. Now that I’ve read your post, it was really nice in the theater today.

    As far as Hathaway is concerned. when she climbed on that bike, my wife leaned over and said “get those dirty thoughts out of your mind”. She knows me a little to well.

  12. Stephiepooh says

    If you thought DKR was bad you should have seen the midnight showing for the last Harry Potter movie! There were so many light up wands, I thought I was at a rave! But I took my son to the marathon leading up to the midnight showing (I was bucking for the mom of the year award!) and we both loved it.

    I love your blog, keep it up!

  13. JENNIFER says

    omg the funniest entry yet. i was laughing several times and read this at work so i have to cover my face so no one can see I’m having a good time looking at my computer working.

  14. Crystal D says

    DDW, I am always greatly amused by your humor and blogs. You have a true gift to write and I enjoy your blogs everytime I read them. I am sharing the fun by giving this blog post to people who I know will enjoy! I will never look at Batman the same without the thought of “Bat-dork” crossing my mind.
    Thank you for humor and insight into life. :)

  15. SPadilla5 says

    This has got to be one of the most hilarious stories…..I’ve read in a very long time! You have a knack for wirting and engaging your reader! And I love your BLOG. Keep up the good Work!

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