It’s a question that’s been asked since the beginning of time: What comes first, the chicken or the egg? My answer will always change depending on when you ask me and I’m pretty sure that’s the case with all of you as well. Now that I’m further down the road of fatherhood, I figured I’d pose a similarly challenging question: What comes first, the deadbeat or his/her kids? Let’s find out.
Before I begin, it’s probably a good idea to define what a deadbeat is. In my opinion, a deadbeat is anyone who repeatedly doesn’t own up to his/her responsibilities, is unreliable, and doesn’t keep his/her word.
A deadbeat is the guy who keeps asking to borrow money, but never makes any attempts to pay any of it back.
A deadbeat is the lady who talks a big game about how she’s going to lose weight, but instead she takes tubs of Rocky Road ice cream to her throat and makes lame excuses for her situation.
Deadbeats can be male or female, parents or non-parents, young or old, white or black, rich or poor, famous celebrities or Joe/Jane Everyperson.
Deadbeats can be our neighbors, our coworkers, our siblings, our parents, or our spouses. They could be anyone.
Since I author a daddy blog, I want to focus on deadbeat dads for this post.
Do deadbeat dads become deadbeats prior to having children or do they become deadbeats after they have children?
I’m not really sure, but it didn’t stop me from doing some research to find out.
CASE #1 – Hera:
Unless you’re new around here, you should be familiar with my dear friend Hera’s tragic story. If not, read this and then come back here afterwards. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you.
Crazy, right? Actually, to call this case “crazy” is an insult to all things crazy. Never in my life have I heard of a more horrific story than this one, and the fact that it happened to one of my closest friends is even more horrific. How would she respond to the “Deadbeat or Kids” question?
First off, let me say that Hera is no dummy. She has her Masters Degree from a prestigious university, she’s street-smart, she’s has a high-profile profession, she’s beautiful, she’s charismatic, and she’s very, very tough. The bottom line is she got duped, and if it can happen to her, then it can happen to anyone – and I mean ANYONE.
I asked my friend a few questions and she seems to believe that deadbeats come before the kids. The obvious follow up question I had was if she knew that her ex had “deadbeat tendencies,” why would she have a kid with him in the first place? Her response was a simple one:
“Because love is a strange thing. There was a time when I looked at him and believed that he was a good guy. I ignored the signs, I bought the lies, and I made excuses for him. When I look back on it now, I feel like the dumbest person in the world – but when you love someone, you have a tendency to brush aside or ignore the warning signs around you.”
We can all agree that Hera’s case is an extreme case of “deadbeatness,” but that doesn’t change the fact there are some very good nuggets in our discussion. For example, I have many readers who send me frustrated emails about the lack of involvement of their husbands and boyfriends. They noticed the deadbeat tendencies prior to getting married and prior to having children, but they still moved forward with the wedding and baby planning. Why? From what these women have told me, the common theme fell into one of three categories:
1) The fear of being alone.
2) The fear of starting over again.
3) The “I thought I could fix him” syndrome.
These aren’t good reasons for being a relationship, but many people are in this situation right now.
So does that mean once you’re a deadbeat, you’re always a deadbeat? Let’s move on to case #2 to see a different side to this.
CASE #2: Gigi
Gigi (not her real name) is also a good friend of mine whom I known for years. She and her husband have three kids together, and when their first child was born (a boy) – her husband was really attentive and involved. He gave baths, read stories, took him on walks, etc. In other words, he did everything that a dad is supposed to do. All was good in their world.
As the years progressed and the other two children arrived (another boy and a girl), something started to happen.
He became less involved with the kids, he would make promises and flake on them, he became lazy, he became apathetic, and he became a deadbeat.
The more Gigi’s husband exhibited his “deadbeatedness,” the angrier she became. The angrier she became, the more of a deadbeat he became. The cycle went on non-stop for years to the detriment of their children and their family unit.
OK, so what happened?
I’ll let Gigi tell you:
“When our first child was born, my husband was so excited. He did so much for our son and loved him to death. The problem started because I was on him for a lot of things. If he didn’t put on our son’s diaper correctly, I’d get in his ear. If he fed our son the wrong food, I’d get in his ear. I wanted things done a certain way and if they weren’t done to my specifications, there would be problems. In hindsight, I can see that I created the monster because he felt if everything he’s doing is wrong, why even put in the effort in the first place? I think I broke his spirit.”
I can’t speak for all dudes, but a lot of us don’t take rejection very well – especially when rejection comes from people we love, trust, and respect. When we (men) are hurt by someone close to us, a lot of times we lash out or back off. In other words, there are some men who will just say, “Fuck it, if you think you know how to do everything, then do it. I’m just going to sit on my ass and watch SportsCenter while you handle the domestic duties, Little Miss Perfect.”
Just like the first case, I’ve received emails from women who support this theory. Usually it’s summarized into one of these two points:
1) I don’t care how exhausted I am. I don’t like it when my man tries to do things because I know he just doesn’t do them nearly as well as I can. Because of that, he gets lazy and chooses not to help – even if I ask him.
2) I just hate how my man (gives baths, cleans up, feeds the kids, etc.) because he does it wrong and it pisses me off. Because of that, he gets lazy and chooses not to help – even if I ask him.
In hindsight, Gigi realizes that she should’ve handled things differently.
“I remember when I came home after working a full day at the office followed by three hours at school in the evening, I noticed the house was a complete mess. I was so mad. I yelled at my husband about it until I was blue in the face. Now when I look back on it, all of the kids were sleeping peacefully, and they were healthy and happy. At the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters? There are so many better ways to express my frustrations constructively instead of cursing out my husband. Also, I have to do a better job setting expectations.”
To be clear about my friend Gigi – she’s not a raving lunatic. She wants the best and will never settle for half-assed work. As a matter of fact, my wife is very similar to her in that regard – the only difference is that I do my best not take any of it personally (easier said than done).
OK, so we’ve heard both sides of the argument. What do you think? Does the deadbeat dad come before or after the children?
Before you answer, I think it’s important to hear what a father has to say who was raised by a deadbeat dad.
CASE 3 – Pete:
Pete (also not his real name) is a guy I went to High School with and have known since I was a kid. He’s a wonderful and involved father to his two sons, but it was not easy for him due to how his dad raised him. I’ll let Pete tell the story:
“I remember when I was growing up, my dad used to hit my mom, cheat on her, and leave the house for days on end without knowing where he was. He prided himself upon operating by the ‘man code.’ In other words, men were supposed to cheat, and they were supposed to dish out tough love, which usually meant beating the shit out of me, my sister, and my mom whenever he came home drunk. He never went to any of my games, he didn’t show up to my High School or College graduation, and he didn’t come to my wedding. He was a terrible father in every aspect, and the last time I heard from him was when he called me two years ago to ask for $1,000 to pay a debt. My upbringing was hard, but I’m so thankful for it because I made the decision to never treat my wife and kids the way he treated us.”
I saved Pete’s story for last because it illustrates that being a good dad or a deadbeat comes down to one thing:
A decision.
Wouldn’t it have been so easy for Pete (and others like him) to simply say, “To hell with it, I’m going to going to be a deadbeat and be abusive because that’s all I knew growing up”? Sure it would. But it takes a real man to look at the fork in the road between a deadbeat dad and a Daddy Doin’ Work, and embark on the road he’s never been down before in his life. On the outside, it may not seem like it was easy for Pete to do this, but he said it was the easiest decision he’s ever made and he hopes that other men in his situation do the same thing.
“Doyin, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here – but it doesn’t matter if the deadbeat dads or the kids come first. It’s a decision to be a deadbeat just like it’s a decision to be good, involved dad. My dad made one decision and I made the other. People need to stop making excuses for their past and present situations, grow the hell up, and step the hell up. If they need help, they should seek it, but at the end of the day it’s up to the individual to make the right decision.”
I can’t really argue with that.
Since I started this blog, I’ve noticed that the vast majority of dads I’ve encountered made the right decision when confronted with the fork in the road. I’ve also noticed that the small percentage of dads who made the wrong decision weren’t held accountable or refused to take responsibility for their actions . That has to change – and with your help, I feel that we can eliminate deadbeat dads (and deadbeat moms) for good.
So it looks as if my research experiment yielded an answer after all.
The chicken and the egg have the stage all to themselves.
DDW UPDATE:
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Mum and Dad both grew up in abusive environments. My stepdad had an alcoholic for a father. Never did they raise a hand to me, belittle me, undermine me, or make me think that I and my brother were anything but the best kids ever. My uncle was different, very free with the belt on his kids and us. I believe this and the emotional abuse those kids copped from their mother (my aunt), led to their life of deadbeatedness. (Is that even a word??) Kids learn from their parents. If you bully them, they will bully the next in line, unless they make the choice not to. Good blog, DDW! (and <3 to Hera)
Good blog, I’d like to add just one finer point. It isn’t about a decision; it is about the million decisionS that we as parents and as people make every single day. Every day is a new chance.
NTrickSteinbach recently posted..Imagine It Is 6:45am
First off, another great article DDW. I agree it doesn’t matter what came first, it matters what you DO about it. I admire, respect and am in awe of Hera, what I do want to say is when Hera lost the rose tinted glasses, we ALL have them let’s be honest, Hera did what a lot of people don’t have the guts to do and left. I am a little sensitive about Hera because of all the hateful comments she gets makes me see red! A lot of my friends put the Hubster and me on as the perfect couple, we aren’t. No where near perfect, hell the Hubster and the teenager are so alike they go at it hammer and tongs, what I *think* we are is a normal couple trying to raise our kids to be decent, honourable people. I get so irritated by my friends saying their husbands/partners/baby daddies are deadbeats, I think if you allow anyone to be lazy or a deadbeat they will be, if you allow your partner to do nothing, then you can’t get angry when that partner does nothing (male or female….deadbeats don’t discriminate) at the beginning I was like I was like Gigi, I’m OCD and like everything so. The Hubster though would ignore me and do things his way, it took me a while to figure out I was the problem not him. In an ideal world there would be no deadbeats, until then I guess we have to keep trying the best we can.
Nice post and god bless Hera. I think you are so very right that it all comes down to a choice. And no one can make that decision for you…you either decide to be an involved parent or you decide to be a deadbeat.The father of my twins likes to blame me for his non-participation even though he made the choice to leave us high and dry (several times). I definitely had rose-colored glasses when it came to him and ignored the red flags and warning signals that revealed themselves way before the kids came along. But I guess love is blind (and deaf and dumb). He had other children that he left behind (which I didn’t know about at the time) and he has gone on to get married and have children that he does care for leaving me to shake my head. How does a man decide to take care of some children and not others? He says it is because I am a b!tch (read: finally stopped believing his bs). From the beginning, he said it was “all or nothing”…he wouldn’t pay child support and be some “weekend dad”… but then basically abandoned us at the hospital and started a new relationship with his now wife and never bothered to try to have a relationship with his sons. I eventually moved away (a year and a half later after going it alone) to take a job that paid more money and to be near family whose support I desperately needed. Then he claimed I “took his sons” from him and THAT was why he wouldn’t pay/be a part of their lives. 8 years later he is still blaming me for his lack of responsibility and it has been a real struggle for me not to buy into it. I’m sad that the boys don’t know their dad, but sometimes I think it is better than them knowing the choices that he has made. Or maybe they’ll blame me like he does when they find out that he went off and had other children that he supported.
Cara recently posted..Love notes
Great post as always, DDW. I disagree with a previous commenter who said it comes down to “decisionS.” For me, it came down to ONE singular decision to be a good dad or not, and I think I chose the right path. In my neighborhood a lot of dads have made the wrong decision by not being involved in their kids’ lives and it’s a damn shame to see.
Thank you for doing what you’re doing and for keeping parents accountable everywhere.
“People need to stop making excuses for their past and present situations, grow the hell up, and step the hell up. If they need help, they should seek it, but at the end of the day it’s up to the individual to make the right decision.”
A-FREAKING-MEN. I *could* belittle my daughter and beat the hell out of her and make her feel worthless. After all, that’s what my biomom did to me. But like your friend, I made the easiest decision ever and have made it a point to NEVER belittle my child and to NEVER lay a hand on her in anger. Am I perfect? Hell no. Am I always trying to do better? Hell yes. Because I made this choice, my daughter and I have a better relationship than myself and my biomom ever had. And I’m thankful for it every day.
Yeah, her sperm donor is a major deadbeat. But she knows she can count on me to never, ever, ever let her down. I figure that’s a good thing.
I LOVE this blog. It’s great that you pointed out both sides, and then you got to “Pete” … he was spot on with:
“People need to stop making excuses for their past and present situations, grow the hell up, and step the hell up. If they need help, they should seek it, but at the end of the day it’s up to the individual to make the right decision.”
I can be a lot like Gigi in Case #2. HOWEVER, I figured out a LONG time ago, that I was killing myself trying to be Wonder Woman. It took me a while to let it go, accept the help. IF I end up doing it over again, after “whoever” isn’t around, that’s my DECISION. Or I can just live with it.
I love that Pete figured out that it’s a decision to be one or the other. As far as Hera’s case, I believe in my heart, she was duped first and then ignored the red flags. That is not her fault. So many of us tend to do the same things. Fortunately many of us don’t end up living in the horror she endured. She and Prince always have my heart.
I have a wonderful husband, and father. Our girls are 24 and 21. For many years, he has been driving a truck, or working in the Power Line Industry, which also required that he travel and be away from home for extended periods. I had to learn to be a “single” parent until he got back home. Even with the nightly calls and being here when he could. So, I learned to appreciate his help, no matter if he did it the “right” way (being my way) or not. At least it (whatever) was done. He is still going all over the country … now hauling huge cranes or I should say pieces of cranes.
I believe life is all about choices. You choose to get out of bed, and go to work, or take care of kids, and dogs, clean your home, and pay your bills. No matter what you think, you do have the choice. You can choose to stay in bed and not do any of those things. Eventually you will learn that perhaps that wasn’t the choice you should have made. But it was still your choice to make. As the saying goes “You made your bed, you have to sleep in it.”
I’ve known deadbeat moms and deadbeat dads. My ex is an alcoholic and by almost any definition is a deadbeat dad. I won’t even go into what I went through to help my son turn out different from his dad. At 35, he is a wonderful, compassionate, responsible, good person and a great husband and father. It took a lot of help, including professional help.
Its easy to say that people all have choices. But there’s is a hidden assumption beneath that statement. That is the assumption that everyone sees all the possible choices. To simplify, let’s say there’s four doors for a person to choose from. I can see all four, you can see all four, but some people may only see 1, 2 or 3 doors.
It could be because of how they were raised. A lot of us carry the family we grew up with into the family we create. If a person was beaten as a child, generally they think its normal. Some people can’t see beyond an addiction problem that blinds them to anything else.
As a teenager, my son reached a point by age 14 where he thought he had no real choices. He figured he would either be dead or in prison soon and that’s all there was to it. He had no good male role model and didn’t want one by the time he was 11. By the way, I come from a nice, educated, supportive middle class family.
My whole family supported me in getting my son professional help. Expensive professional help. My son thanks me for it now and other people express amazement over the personal sacrifices I made. (Why do people not question parents doing anything medically to save their children’s lives, but are amazed I would sacrifice so much to save my son’s life? Some actually said it was wrong to waste money on a “bad” kid.)
What I tell my son now, is that I gave him the opportunity to see that he really did have other choices. In the end, nothing could have saved him, unless he made different choices in his life. But he couldn’t make a choice to change, until he could see he did have other choices he could make. Once my son realized he could turn his life around and have a different future, he is the person who did all the very hard work to change. I am grateful for that.
I can also look back at some of my own bad choices, and there’s been more than a few, and see that I didn’t think I had another choice or a better choice at the time. I was wrong.
I just don’t want to assume that every person sees the all the possible choices available to them. And some people are going to need more help than others to be guided to a clearer vision of the possible choices. Of course, I do believe that there should be consequences for bad choices. It’s just terrible when the consequences are more severe for innocent people affected, especially children.
I don’t have much to add – I just appreciated your story Lynne. I agree that people don’t always see that they have other choices. Or for that matter that they are worth any other choice. And like you I don’t think that means bad behavior gets a free pass but sometimes all it takes is one person telling someone ‘you are worth it and you are capable of better’
Thanks Cassandra. Or it just takes someone to help them see they really can make a different choice. Changing is really hard work, though.