Since Christmas falls on a Tuesday, this will be the final DDW post of 2012 (sorry guys, but a dude deserves at least one week off a year). The good news is that I’m doing something special. I asked all of my wonderful Readers Doin’ Work to share your funniest parenting stories, and you did not disappoint. Let’s get started!
Actually, before I get started let me thank all of you who sent in submissions. It was really hard for me to pick the ones to use in this post, and I hope there are no hard feelings if I didn’t select yours.
OK, now I’m ready.
On Wednesday 12/12/12 my family went to a wedding , after the bride and groom kissed, my spunky 4 year old Evangeline (turning 5 in January) comes over to me. In doing so, she goes to give me a kiss then proceeds to stick her tongue in my mouth, and moves her head from side to side pushing into my face. She’s laughing her head off. When I asked her why she did that, she replied, “Mommy, that’s what you do when you get married.” When I told her never to do that, she said, “Why? Me and my best friend do it at kindergarten.” Uh oh.
My daughter Zari has been working on potty training. My cousin and I were enjoying a cup of coffee at my house when Zari got up and walked away. I thought my daughter was in her play room and as soon as I got up to check on her, I found her in the pot feet first and squated down stuck trying to use the potty. Here’s the photo evidence. Never turn your back on a toddler!
My daughter was 4 when this happened. I had just gotten home from somewhere and was using the bathroom. The bathroom door didn’t have a handle (long story), so the door was never all the way shut. Thus my girl wandered in as usual. As it happened, it was my time of the month. So my girl walked in just as I was, well, dealing with things. Her eyes slowly got as big as dinner plates. All the sudden she took off running down the hallway, screaming “MOMMY’S BLEEDING OUT HER BUTT!!! WE NEED TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL!!!” I still laugh about that to this day.
One day I was home alone with my 2.5yr old son. He was happily playing with his trucks, so I tried to sneak away for a few minutes to take care of business in the bathroom. I had just found my missing camera and took it with me to see what photos were on it. (Yes, on the toilet. Don’t judge me!)
It took only a minute before he came marching in with 4 eggs! Egg #5 did not fare well on the journey. I was helpless, ass on seat, pants around ankles watching the eggs being precariously juggled over a tiled floor. Then I just laughed and realized the photo op in front of me! He was so darn proud of himself, I couldn’t possibly be upset about egg #5 in the middle of the hardwood bedroom floor.
So…I don’t always sit on the toilet with a camera, but when I do I am SO happy that shit like this happens.
I was changing my daughter’s diaper and it was a bad one. Poop was literally everywhere (her back, her neck, her hair, everywhere). I thought I cleaned myself up pretty well before I made some Guacamole for a snack. When I noticed some leftover Guac on my finger, I did what anyone would do – I licked it off. It tasted like shit…literally (and I think you probably figured out why). Note to all of you: wash your hands throughly. I will be scarred for life because of this.
It was a nice summer day, the neighbors are out doing yardwork, people are walking their dogs, and children and riding bikes. My son, his father, and I leave for a birthday party and realize we forgot the address at home, along with the gift.
My son’s father gets out of the car to go in the house and my son, about 4ish, rolls down the window and starts screaming, “Don’t forget the erection dad! Remember, we were talking about the erections? We can’t get anywhere without your ERECTIONS!!”
Needless to say, he meant directions, but wasn’t exactly sure how to say it…. His father looked confused, I was laughing, and the neighbors were obviously a little worried about the conversations we must have as a family.
When Logan was 4ish he was extremely challenging. Still undiagnosed, he was tiny and super adorable, but ohhh boy did he give me a run for my money. I was having a week of “is-this-really-my-life?”moments. Sunday started with grocery shopping- a trip that included him demanding to push the shopping cart, banging into several people and saying “beep beep” or “wook-owt!!” The trip ultimately ended when I took the cart away from him and he balled up his little fists and yelled “ASH-OH!!” (asshole) at me in the banana section. We got home and I put him in his room. I’ll show him, the little shit (I thought). After a few minutes of silence I assumed he fell asleep, so I puttered around upstairs for another 10 minutes. I opened his door expecting to see his angelic little sleeping face- instead I found him standing in the middle of his bedroom, the room and all of its contents absolutely COVERED in baby powder. He’d somehow found several containers of powder and then stood in front of his fan playing “choo choo.” It was EVERYWHERE. As I was cleaning that mess, I noticed a small white corner of cloth hanging out of his VCR. This was a special needs VCR that had a little cartoon rabbit that ran across the screen when you fast forwarded, and a slow turtle going in reverse when you rewound. It was really neat….WAS…I open the little door where the tape went in..it was stuffed full of baby wipes, which were saturated in mouthwash. He’d squeezed the ACT mouthwash into the little cup and overflowed it over, and over and over, and then cleaned it all up with wipes. To hide the evidence, he shoved them into the VCR. I continued to clean and found a little pile of screws. I couldnt imagine where he would have found them, so I asked where they came from. He pointed to his loft bed!! He had taken his little tool set and unscrewed every screw he could reach! Looking back, I dont know how I made it through those days…I’m lucky I’m not a big drinker. It’s been tough but it’s SO worth it!
- Allyson at The Crumb Diaries
I took my 11 year old daughter to the nutcracker last week. As the peacock character danced in her white leotard my daughter elbowed me, handed me binoculars and said “Mom, she’s got pit stains” I about died as I looked around praying nobody heard. Kids are the greatest gift and the most expensive comedy show.
When I was at Target, my daughter who was 3 at the time (she’s 12 now) stood up in the stroller and screamed, “Mommy didn’t you say you needed this??”
I turned and she was holding up KY Jelly. Wonderful…
My worst parent moment is also most embarrassing. When I had my youngest, I had to have a c-section, when she was brought out, she weighed 11lbs 8, literally EVERYONE left me alone while they crowded around her to see her weight. When they came back and stitched me, they decided to move me into a different bed – well the epidural had FINALLY kicked in, (yes I felt that surgery OWWW) so I couldn’t move, and they had to lift me. I got scared and for some reason I grabbed hold of a male doctor’s scrubs (the bottoms) as they moved me, I ended up pulling this poor man’s scrubs down. He also had nothing on underneath as I was mid-transfer so he couldn’t stop to pull his scrubs back up, and unfortunately my head was a few inches away from his naked junk. I’m not sure who was most embarrassed him or me. Everyone except the two of us were literally wetting themselves with laughter. To this day that was my most embarrassing moment.
When my son was 4 months old, he started crying if he sat in his car seat for more than 10 minutes. It made shopping rather difficult, so I started talking to him while I grocery shopped. I pretty much just narrated everything I did. One day, I was at a different store than I normally shop, and started talking to J. “Momma’s losing her mind, baby…she can’t find the toilet paper.” And then, I looked down at my cart, and remembered my son was home with his dad, and I….was just a crazy lady talking to an empty shopping cart.
He thinks I’ve got a few screws loose.
But on this particular morning I found out that he actually listens to what I say (go figure). When we left for school, the Moon was setting and was HUGE in the sky. I told Riley to come look at the Moon. The little booger comes over, looks at the Moon and states, rather plainly I might add, “That’s a big piece of cheese.” I thought someone was going to have to come pick me up off the driveway. How funny is this kid?!?! He’s picking up my sarcasm and using it against me!!!
Now I’ll have to convince him that the Moon really isn’t made of cheese – my new goal for the year!
- Jennifer at Life In Sarcasm