Funny Parenting Stories 2013

I did this last December and we’re doing it again in 2013. I asked my email subscribers (aka, Subscribers Doin’ Work) to share some funny parenting stories, and I chose ten to use for this blog (hopefully there are no hard feelings if I didn’t choose your story, because I received a ton of submissions). Let’s get to it!

Editor’s Note: If you’re not a Subscriber Doin’ Work, what are you waiting on? See the fields to your right? Enter your name and email address to become a SDW and you can participate in fun stuff like this that my other Facebook and Twitter followers miss out on. OK, now we’re ready to begin. 

STORY #1

Most of my stories involve my now 3 year old daughter and her obsession with poop. For some reason she liked to play with it. It was a year straight of what I like to call the “dark times.” This particular incident was just before she turned 3. My husband was cooking dinner and I was laying on the couch half asleep, but still kind of aware. My daughter comes to me and puts something on my lap saying, “Here’s a black flower for you mommy.” She was proud, beaming. I look down and there is a piece of shit squished into a pancake shape on my lap. Not the kind of flat from being pressed against your butt. No. It was round and flat because she molded it. After a mini ‘WTH’ moment, it was fun to explain to her disappointed face that we don’t play with poop like play dough.

– Brajee

 

STORY #2

I am a pre-med student and my son really enjoys “reading” my anatomy text books with me. When he was 3, my daughter was born, so the reproductive chapters were particularly interesting to him. Not one to sugarcoat or talk down to him, I answered all his questions as honestly as possible – including the nitty-gritties of how the baby comes out.

Turns out that was a mistake. One day, while I was using the restroom at Target, my son got down on the floor and started trying to look between my legs. I said, shocked, “WHAT are you DOING?!” He innocently (and loudly) replied, “Looking for where the baby comes out!” Did I mention there was a full house and the restroom had a nice echo effect?

I’m still embarrassed.

– Kate

 

STORY #3

My kids and I like to joke around with each other – especially in the car passing time on the way to school each morning. My then 7 year old (he’s turning 10 this month) finds me particularly funny.

One day while we talked about how I was looking for work and what I should do he blurted out, “Dad, you should be a historical Canadian!” It took me moment to figure out what he meant. I asked him, “Do you mean a ‘hysterical comedian’?” He said, “Yeah…that!”

– Cliff

 

STORY #4 

My husband was taking our family to eat at a restaurant for Valentine’s Day. They had a bucket of crabs on sale so I decided to get them. My daughter, 6 at the time (now 10), says in a rather loud voice, “Mommy, share your crabs with daddy!” Heads turned and my face probably turned three shades of red, but it makes a great memory now and now we laugh about it!

– Nikki

 

STORY #5

I had 2 children, ages 3 1/2 and 11 months (both boys). I was potty training my 3 year old when I noticed the 11 month old was really paying attention. So I thought, “Why not potty train them both at the same time?” Well, long story short, IT WORKED!!..Fast forward 1 year.

 

Since I potty trained my little one so young, he could barely reach the toilet. So, he would lift the lid, and “rest” his pee-pee on the porcelain bowl. WELL… one day, the lid came crashing down on his little pee-pee, and squished it. He comes running into the living room, screaming, for mommy to “wiss my pee-pee”… Not sure how to explain that mommy can’t wiss his pee-pee, I look at his dad for some assistance, and his dad, without missing a beat, says – “GO AHEAD MOMMY…WISS IT!” and he just sat there watching me, waiting for me to “wiss it”… I kissed every area in the vicinity of his boo-boo, but NOT the actual boo-boo… To this day, (he’s now 19, and in the US Army) when he gets the “I’m an adult” attitude, I gently remind him of mommy wissing his boo-boos and it quickly brings him back to reality.

– Tami

 

STORY #6

I try and use anatomically correct words with my kids. Add in a dash of my daughter’s tendency to mix and mangle words (she can thank my genes for that) and you get this story.

It’s bath time and my four year old asks me to make sure her pajamas are clean. I said, “Yes, I brought you clean pajamas.”

 

She said, “No mom. I want you to make sure my pajamas are clean.” (points between her legs)

 

I said, “Oh, you mean your vagina.” She says, “Uuuggghh mom, this is my pajamas (points again). I wear VAGINAS to bed!”

 

Well then.

 

The next week it happens again. She comes to me and says, “Hey mom, did you know boys have front butts that poke out? They go this way (points right) or that way (points left).”

 

“Yes, honey. It is called a penis.”

 

“Ya, peanuts. And I have a peanuts too. Only mine is short.”

 

Please tell me I’m not the only one with epic parenting fails like this.

 

– Shayla

 

STORY #7

After natural childbirth the second time, my body took a little longer to heal. When I had to go, I really had to go – if you know what I mean, ladies. One day I decided it would be a good idea to take the baby on a long drive to IKEA. It had been a brutal night of wake ups and nursing, so I stopped at Starbucks for a grande soy latte.

The lovely Michelle

The lovely Michelle

Under normal circumstances, with a properly functioning body, this is what I would do. When we pulled into the IKEA parking structure an hour later, the baby was sleeping. This would’ve been awesome if only I didn’t have to PEE LIKE A POSTPARTUM RACEHORSE! I didn’t want to wet my pants, because I’m a grown woman… but there was no way I was going to wake that baby up! What a pickle! I needed to act fast. I looked at my empty coffee cup. Without hesitation, I took the lid off and pulled my pants down. My head bumped the ceiling as I positioned myself over it. I looked out into the dark parking structure to make sure no one was watching. Then, I peed in the cup.

While I was peeing I did wonder if my cup would runneth over. Lucky for me, God designs perfect grande-sized bladders.

I put the lid back on and put it in the cup holder. I would throw it away when the baby woke up. I did not soil myself, the baby slept and I did not get arrested for indecent exposure and public urination. In those early days of motherhood, that’s what I called a very good day.

– Michelle

 

STORY #8

I’m a mom with a day job, and those moments when I pick my kids up and we are on our way home are often the highlight of my day.  Both of my children are little chatterboxes and it seems as though they save up all of their most brilliant ideas and thoughts for our two minute ride from day care to the house.  My first stop is at the day care for my youngest, a charming and very silly boy that we like to call “Little Man.”  Then it is off to the sitter to pick up his big sister, “Curly Q.”  It isn’t a long drive, just a couple of blocks, but it is usually the only time that it is just me and my boy.

 

In early December it was on a typical snowy Maine day and Little Man began noticing all of the Christmas decorations.  He quipped that it was still supposed to be Thanksgiving because we “Still had some turkey.”  I told him that I was going to start calling him “turkey and dressing.”  He giggled.  We often come up with silly names for each other on our daily drive home.  Then he said, “Mama – boys aren’t made of turkey.  They are made of pizza.  And biscuits.  And snowmen.  And balls.”
“Snowballs?” I asked, hoping.

 

“No mama.  Boys have balls.  Mine are right under my pedus (penis).  They are the only balls I can play with in the house.  Boys are made of balls,” he said in a very matter-of-fact way.

 

And thankfully we arrived at our next stop.  So I could get out of the car and laugh all the way to the door.  To pick up my dear daughter.  Who was told as soon as she stepped into the car that she didn’t have balls because she was a girl.

 

 -Jennifer

 

Jennifer is a full-time marketer and overtime parent with a pretty typical family: sweet husband and 2 adorable children that are growing like weeds. Her life can really get messy sometimes. She likes to write about it. You might be surprised… her messes may sound a lot like yours.  

 

STORY #9

 

When my (now 14 year old) son was about 8 1/2, we were riding home from school one day.  (We had already had the sex chat, btw)  The conversation went something like this:

 

Son: Mom, what’s second base?

 

Me: (thinking OH SHIT) It’s the one in the center, honey, behind the pitcher’s mound.

 

Son: No, mom.  Like with a girl.

 

Me (OH SHIT!): Well, son when people talk about baseball regarding girls, First base is usually kissing, Second base is touching her breasts, and Third base is any touching in your private areas below your waist.

 

Son: So what’s a Home Run?

 

Me (Oh what fresh HELL is this!?!?): A home run would be having sex.  The most important thing to remember about all this, son, is …….

 

Son: I know, Mom.  No baseball before marriage!

 

Me: (WHEW!!!)

 

– Hope

 

STORY #10

 

in 2003, our third son was born two days before Thanksgiving. I was relieved that he came out then, not just because he was born on my husband’s 38th birthday (best gift ever!), but because we were hosting Thanksgiving that year and I wanted to be home with our family. I know you are thinking we were lunatics to think we were going to calmly bring a newborn baby home from the hospital and serve a traditional, home-cooked Thanksgiving meal to 25 guests later that day. Fortunately, my mother-in-law, who raised six kids of her own, was a pro in the kitchen and managed to cook most of the dinner herself, with my husband pitching in when he could.

 

Since this was my third child, I was relatively at ease, and spent most of the day socializing with our guests in between feedings. It wasn’t until dinner was over, and my less than helpful extended family watched my mother-in-law do most of the cleaning, that my husband started to lose it. He came up to the baby’s nursery, where I was feeding him, and started ranting about my “lazy-ass relatives” and complaining about their ungrateful attitudes. My out-of-whack hormones and I sat there and agreed with him, as he continued to rant. Oh and did I mention that the baby monitor was on this entire time so that everyone downstairs in the kitchen area could hear what we were saying? Yeah, let’s just say dessert was a quick affair and everyone was on their way home in record time.

 

P.S. I highly recommend that you do NOT attempt to host Thanksgiving after bringing a baby home from the hospital the same day.

 

– Emily

 

Which story is your favorite? Make your voices heard below!

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Comments

  1. Meg says

    HA! I loved #7 Home Made Mimi’s story. I did something similar but my cup overflowed…I’ll leave out the rest of the details. Also, she’s so damn cute. I think I have a girl crush on her. :)

    Thanks for sharing these, DDW!

    • says

      Thanks, Meg! I am so sorry to hear you had spillage! Ha-ha. I would advise new moms to keep a few extra coffee cups in their cars! Maybe a funnel? Am I getting too graphic now?

  2. Shelby says

    These were all really funny, but my favorite is number 5… i had a similar issue with my son and having to tiss his peepee… and my husband also laughed the whole time!

  3. TT says

    I cannot stop laughing at the comment “They are the only balls I can play with in the house”

    Bahahaha!!

  4. says

    No baseball before marriage…I am totally telling my softball player this story! All boys are out before they even hit the bag lol

  5. Sonia Davidson says

    LOVED these stories!
    Thanks for sharing!
    You know you’re doing the parenting thing right when you can look back and laugh! :)

  6. April says

    It makes me feel alittle better to know I’m not the only one that thinks to myself oh shit when I get a sex question. lol my nephew lived with me since the age of 9. mind you I was 13 when he was born. so at 25 (and him 12)I never thought I’d have to answer the question( does it make a girl sick if she swallows?) my response swallows what? Lol duh

  7. Hani says

    Sooooo I took my 9 yr old nephew to Macy’s to pick out some birthday clothes, I stop by the jewelry section and say ” good nephers will get their Hantie some bling bling” the 4 year old replies ” uh, you can’t get bling cuz you’re not married. Diamonds make you married! ” the sales woman and I laughed SO HARD! Where do they get this stuff?

    Story 2 so I’m an ADW. (Aunt Doin Work yea I made that up now make me a tshirt) w’ere a family full of women so I’m always scrambling when it comes to boy parts and names etc. I didn’t want to use proper terms just yet for my nephers penis so I would refer to it as his twig and berries. Well now that he’s 4, and takes a book bag to school he’s just TOO smart! During bath time I say make sure to wash your twig and berries Geo! He replies! ” I call him Frank!” All sorts of panic flash through me, thinking WHOOOOOO CHANGED THE NAME? Who DA HEEEEEEELL is Frank?!?!?!!!!!! He very flatly says ” I named him that. Cuz it looks like a hot dog, and hot dogs are franks, and frank is a name. And it’s not a twig Hawnie. It feels like hot dog and beans. Well then. Guess you tooooold me lol

  8. Renae Edwards says

    Loved the stories. I have two grown children and reminiscing has become a favorite past time.

  9. says

    OMG! I cringed so much with Emily’s story and her relatives!!!
    Also, the first one about the poo was hilarious! I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if my 3 y.o. did something similar. One of my most embarrassing stories with him is when we were waiting in a very long queue one day for a document, and he goes on to exclaim to me, quite loudly: “Mom, that woman’s hair is ugly, not like yours, which is so pretty!”. He thought he was giving me a compliment, but I turned fifty shades of red!

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