I enjoy receiving email from my RDW (Readers Doin’ Work). I’d say 99.9% of my messages come from people who love me, hate me, ask great questions, or provide thoughtful feedback. In other words, it’s just your average, everyday stuff. Today I’m going to talk about the 0.1% of individuals who sent me questions that you probably won’t believe when you see them.
Since September 1st, I received a few questions in particular that are so mind-blowing and off the wall, that I knew I had to share them in a blog post. You’ll find the questions below – but first let me say a couple of things:
1) I changed the names of the emailers (for obvious reasons).
2) I omitted the non-essential information from their emails to save time.
Here we go:
QUESTION #1 comes from “Cheryl.” She writes,
“Hey DDW, I have a random question for you. You mentioned a few days ago that you didn’t know what costume to put your daughter in during Halloween, so I’m offering up a suggestion. Would you consider dressing her up like a promiscuous woman? Hear me out on this. I truly believe that if you dress up a toddler like that at Little DDW’s age (fishnet stockings, makeup, high-heels, etc.) she’ll realize that lifestyle isn’t for her and it will be etched into her mind to never dress that way again. I tried it with my daughter when she was that age and now she’s a Straight-A student in Middle School and is completely squeaky clean. I say you should go for it! Don’t let the haters tell you otherwise!”
So let me get this straight. Your plan to prevent your daughter from becoming a slut was to dress her up as a slut while she was a toddler in hopes that it would scar her mind from engaging in slutty behavior when she became older? That’s brilliant. I’m just curious though – how did you find out about your daughter becoming a Straight-A student in Middle School? Did Child Protective Services allow visitation rights after they took her away from you?
OK, I take that back. One thing I said I would never do around here is tell other parents how to handle their kids, but that’s an…um, interesting technique you’ve got there. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m a believer in good old-fashioned kid raisin’. You know…teaching my daughter right from wrong, being kind to others, etc.
Putting my toddler in fishnets, caked-on makeup, and clear stripper heels for Halloween in hopes that she’ll realize the error in her ways is nowhere to be found in my Parenting Playbook. By the way, what is this “realize” stuff you speak of? My kid is 20 months old. It takes her an hour to “realize” that she shit herself, but you think she has the mental wherewithal to realize that dressing like a hooker is a bad idea?
Yeah…I’m not going to try this.
Editor’s Note: Just so you know, I’ve decided that Little DDW is going to be Dora the Explorer; however, whenever I read this email, it makes me want to dress her up as a nun.
QUESTION #2 comes from “Maggie.” She writes,
“Yo Dawg, I need your expertise on something. First off, let me say that I’m a white woman and I AM NOT a racist; however, I will say that I think that a lot of racial stereotypes are true. For example, Asians are terrible drivers, most Muslims are terrorists, and black women are loud and angry most of the time. When I say these things to my kids, my friends say I’m being racist, but I’m just telling it like it is. How could I be racist if I’ve dated black guys in the past? Anyhow, since you’re black, I figured I’d ask for your opinion on this. How am I being racist by telling the TRUTH about these people to my kids? I just want them to be informed and safe.”
First off – don’t come at me with, “Yo Dawg.” Even Randy Jackson thinks your slang is outdated. Stop that shit.
Are your views racist? Not at all. As a matter of fact, I have Dr. Avis Jones-DeWeever (Executive Director for the National Council of Negro Women) on the phone, and she would love for you to share your progressive and enlightened views regarding African-American women at her next meeting. On top of that, she’ll offer you limo service as well. Let me see…I think I have the limo driver’s name somewhere…oh, here it is. Tamiko Yakamura is her name. She’s a 65 year-old Japanese woman and her motto is “Me drive you long time.” Yes, rumor has it that she believes red lights and stop signs are just “annoying suggestions,” but I think you’ll be OK. Unfortunately, the route to the meeting requires Ms. Yakamura to drive past a Mosque. I’d highly recommend that you bring your bomb gear in case those wascally Muslims try to blow up your limo. They can be crazy like that.
Are you kidding me, right now? YES, your views are racist! You even pulled out the “I’ve dated black guys in the past” card which is eerily similar to the “some of my best friends are black” card that a lot of racists use to justify their ideology. If you step outside of your bubble for a minute, you’d realize that not all black women are angry (Grandma Doin’ Work is a very happy black woman), not all Asians are bad drivers (Mommy Doin’ Work could drive circles around any NASCAR racer), and the overwhelming majority of Muslims are peace-loving people who aren’t plotting to blow up America (contrary to what some news outlets want you to believe). Hell, I don’t think all white women are ignorant because of your email…I just view you as a completely isolated incident (and a very unfortunate one, at that).
Unlike you, I’m not a racist; but I am an “ignorant-ist.” In other words, if there happened to be a Ku Klux Klan against ignorant people, I’d be the motherfucking Grand Wizard.
Don’t send stupid shit like this to me.
And please stop sharing these “truths” with your kids.
QUESTION #3 comes from “Peter.” He writes,
“Hey there. This is going to sound crazy, but have you thought of doing a paternity test on your daughter? She’s beautiful, but she looks nothing like you. Her skin is much lighter than yours. Something similar happened to a friend and I don’t want it to happen to you.”
Yes, it sounds crazy.
When you say, “Something similar happened to a friend,” do you mean your friend had sex with his wife, got her pregnant, and nine months later she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl? If so, why the hell wouldn’t you want that to happen? Have you considered that maybe the reason why my daughter’s skin is “very light” is due to the fact that her mother has light skin too? That’s what happens when a dark-skinned person (me) has a kid with a light-skinned person (MDW). Correct me if I’m wrong, but children in Elementary Schools still learn that if you mix two different colors, a new color comes out, right? Were you absent that day? Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going to call Maury Povich to have him tell me what I already know – “DDW… YOU ARE THE FATHER!”
I’m also not going to get into the fact that your comment implies that my wife is cheating on me.
Oh well, I’ll just chalk this up to being the first of many challenges I’ll have to deal with while raising a mixed-race baby.
QUESTION #4 comes from “Jack.” He writes,
“BLOG X told me to check you out (Editor’s Note: I’m not going to share the name of the blog that referred him to me because I wouldn’t want any of you to think that all of this blogger’s fans are like this guy). Don’t you think it’s wrong to say it’s OK for men to bake cookies? Real men don’t act like bitches. Maybe that’s what having a girl will do to you. After reading about you, I’m so glad that I have three boys, but if they did pussy shit like baking cookies, there would be a serious problem. I’m unliking your (Facebook) page now.”
You’re glad that you have three boys? Hell, I’m not – especially if they grow up to have your attitude. Seriously, is this the 1960′s? Yes, I bake cookies – and I’m damn proud of it. If I have a son someday, I’ll teach him how to bake some spectacular cookies too.
So why do I bake cookies? Because I enjoy it. I don’t believe in gender rules. If a dude likes to bake cookies, that’s cool. If a girl likes to play football with the boys, that’s cool too. Isn’t life about experiencing as much cool stuff as you can before you die? Why put limits on yourself or your kids and their interests?
Now on to the rest of your email. You know what real men don’t do? They don’t call women “bitches.” Do you have a wife? A mother? Sisters? How would they feel if they read your email? Being a real man is a lot more than bench-pressing 275 lbs, drinking beer, and watching football (I do all of those things, by the way). It’s also about being a complete human being which includes crying during emotional movies, completing household chores, or baking cookies as a hobby (you guessed it, I do all of these things too).
Please remove your head from your ass and quit the Neanderthal bullshit. And by way, unliking my Facebook page is the best thing you could’ve done for me. Thanks for that.
QUESTION #5 comes from “Marilyn.” She writes,
“Hi DDW, I’ll be blunt here. My husband is a fat, lazy, selfish piece of shit. He doesn’t lift a finger around the house and all he does is play XBox and complain if dinner isn’t ready when he comes home from work. On top of that, I just found out that I’m pregnant with our fourth child. I’m just exhausted. I know you live in the Los Angeles area, but can I ask you a favor? WIll you please drive to Long Beach to cook dinner for my family at some point this month? (Editor’s Note: Long Beach is about 30-45 minutes away from me)
You say how much you like to cook for your family and I think if my husband came home from work to see you cooking for us, it would totally open his eyes. After all I’m going through, I think I deserve to have you do this for me and my family. I’ll leave my address below and I’m looking forward to hearing from you.”
Actually, you know what would “totally open your husband’s eyes”? Him coming home from work and seeing some random black dude who runs a Daddy blog slinging grub in your kitchen. I can just picture what that conversation would look like…
Husband: “Hey, I’m home! What are we……..wait, who the hell is this guy??”
Wife: “Oh, he’s Daddy Doin’ Work. He’s making baked ziti for us tonight. Isn’t it great that he’s a man who ACTUALLY cooks??”
***I look up to wave to the husband, and then continue garnishing the ziti***
Husband: “Daddy Doin’ Work?? What kind of a stupid name is that?! You still didn’t answer why this guy is in my house!”
Wife: “He writes such a great blog too. You have to read his article about Achieving Happy. It’s so touching and…”
Husband: “I don’t give a shit about his fucking blog – obviously it must suck if he’s too much of an idiot to know that ‘Achieving Happy’ isn’t grammatically correct. Why is he in my house?!”
Me: “I’m here to cook dinner for your family. Duh…I thought the apron and cheese grating were dead giveaways. It’s not like I’m skiing down the Swiss Alps or something here.”
Husband: “Listen asshole, you have ten seconds to get out of my house or else.”
Me: “Pump the brakes, Junior. I’ll leave…but first you need to try my ziti.”
***Husband takes a bite of the ziti***
Husband: “This is AMAZING! I love it!”
Me: “Shall we break out into song?”
Husband: “I thought you’d never ask.”
***We all join hands and sing Kumbaya***
Having this scenario go down would almost make it worthwhile for me to drive to Long Beach.
Again, I’m not here to judge – but I have to ask a question: If you think your husband is a “fat, lazy, selfish piece of shit,” why are you getting knocked up for the fourth time by this guy? My wife and I are actively engaged parents and I struggle raising ONE kid. I couldn’t imagine raising four kids – and I especially couldn’t imagine it if my wife had the qualities that you described in your husband. I hate to break it to you, but the issues you have with your man run a lot deeper than anything my epic baked ziti can solve.
Also, I have to correct you on the “deserve” thing. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy relationship. You don’t deserve the right to have me become your personal On-Demand Betty Crocker just because you like my blog.
There it is.
I had to share these emails to give you an idea of the crazy stuff I receive. As I said in the beginning – 99.9% of the messages I get are normal and completely innocuous. However, if you fall outside of the 99.9%, you may find someone else’s name next to your words in a future blog entry.
Keep in mind, my goal is never to clown any of you. If I wanted to do that, I’d share your real names and email addresses. My only intention is for you to take a deeper look at what you’re doing so you can check yourself prior to sending messages like this to me or to any of my brothers and sisters in the blogging game.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my letter to Beyonce and ask her to perform at my birthday party in November. After pumping out these blog posts each week – I deserve it, dammit.
There’s no way in hell she turns me down, right?