My friends, do I have a treat for you! One of the most inspirational, funny, talented, and just plain awesome people I’ve met in the blogging game is authoring today’s guest post. If you love me, you will ABSOLUTELY love her. I’m honored to have her, so please give a very warm welcome to Katy from I Want a Dumpster Baby! The floor is yours, my friend!
I am a recovering alcoholic; sobriety date is October 4, 2001. So yes, I write about that a lot. Sobriety and my journey as a drunk is my most important, MOST IMPORTANT “why” as DDW would put it. I found my “why” after I got sober. I never had one before that, and that is a huge reason I was so unhappy. I was put here and given a second chance at life to help people get and stay sober by sharing my experience, strength, and hope about being an alcoholic, getting sober and continuing to live a productive, healthy life ONE DAY AT A TIME. I work a strong 12 step program and it works for me. It’s given me a life beyond my wildest dreams from being homeless, jobless, penniless, soulless and worthless. NOW, I am pregnant. WITH TWINS.
DDW is a kind and gentle soul and ALSO A TWIN, and for whatever reason, he found me and we connected instantly because he is awesome. But you already know all that. I love his optimism, his hope, his strive to do better each day and not take anything for granted. He knows what gratitude is and shows it continuously, and therefore, he is my people. I believe in people today. Not all, because some people are just rotten. But I am continuously surprised by the kindness of people nowadays. That is relatively new for me. I don’t put energy into negativity. Only positivity. Karma anyone?
Back to this being pregnant with twins thing. I am 21 weeks along, we have a boy and a girl and they are perfect. In the eyes of our doctor, they are perfect. In my husband and my eyes they are perfect. We have done as much as we can to ensure they are happy and healthy and will continue to do so throughout this pregnancy and of course, after they are born.
So, this is actually happening. These babies are here and they are real and they are OURS and they are coming. After all our hard work of trying to conceive and going through in-vitro and my husband having health complications, THEY ARE HERE.
AND IT IS TERRIFYING.
BUT MOSTLY TERRIFYING.
Here is what goes through my head on a continuous loop all day and all night until I snap myself out of it or my husband snaps me out of it, but it always comes back.
1) How will we live? We don’t make enough money for one of us not to work. So, we need childcare. That is expensive. PLUS, I really like working.
2) How will we live? We are renting a place right now with two bedrooms that could have worked for a bit longer with one kid, but with two? No way Jose.
3) How will we live? Do you have any idea how expensive all this kid stuff is? For TWO?
4) How will we live? This is going to be the hardest thing we ever do in our lives.
5) How will we live? This is going to be life changing and enrich our lives and the lives around us in a profound way as we raise smart and conscientious children and compassionate souls to enter this world.
6) How will we live? My husband and I are two of the funniest, kindest, smartest people I know. TOOT TOOT. We are going to rock this gig.
7) How will we live? We are going to do the best with what we have and know that so many before and so many after us will do the same damn thing, with way less resources and WAY less LOVE AND LAUGHTER than we have.
8) How will we live? We will live one day at a time. The same way we live now. We will do the best we can and enjoy the hell out of these two amazing gifts we’ve been given and try our best not to screw them up too badly.
So there you have it. Welcome to my head. It’s a scary place to enter alone. Luckily, I don’t have to go in there alone. I have my 12 step group, my higher power, my husband, my friends and family and my internet family to help me through one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.
The best thing about being pregnant for me, besides letting my belly hang out instead of sucking it in unconsciously as I have for approximately 30 years before now, is that I am creating something bigger. I am adding to the world these two beings that will be their own people and have their own dynamic and take on life and love and happiness. Do I worry that I have no business adding to the world? Yes. Do we have enough people in the world? Yes. Do I believe that my two children will be special and unique and ADD to the overall compassion and love in the world, YES. Yes I do. Or I wouldn’t be doing this. Isn’t that what everyone who has procreated thinks?
If you had asked me 10 years ago if I wanted to have kids, I would have said, HELL NO, I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON AND EVERYONE ELSE IS TERRIBLE AND THEIR KIDS ARE TERRIBLE TOO. Clearly, I have done some growing since I got sober. I have met a man who changed my life and makes me a better person on a daily basis who I know if my life partner and that I laugh harder with than anyone I’ve ever known.
If I keep doing my deal and staying sober and working on myself, these babies stand a good chance of having the best mom they can in me. If I do not and I get lax about my program, they will be screwed. I will be screwed, everyone in my life is screwed. So I bear a big responsibility. But I bear it along with many many other qualified alcoholics and even normies who just strive to better themselves every damn day.
IF I KEEP GIVING AWAY WHAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN, I KEEP GROWING. See how that works? I don’t know how or why, but it does. And life is so much better this way. Help someone. Listen to someone. It helps you as much as it helps the other person, sometimes more.
It all comes down to facing fear. I choose to walk through the fear. I feel it, and that’s ok, but I don’t run away. I feel it, I confront it and say YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY HARDER. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN feel fear and faith at the same time. Having faith just means I can walk through the fear, it doesn’t mean the fear goes away. BUT I AM PRESENT NOW. I don’t drink it away or just avoid it like a coward.
Am I scared of these amazing little spazz dancers in my belly? YES. I am scared of what they bring to our lives and what I can bring to theirs. BUT being scared doesn’t mean I’m not going to kick so much ass at this mothering thing, it’s gonna be stupid. I will screw up. I will do the wrong thing. I will have regrets about some things. But I also know I will do some great things with these kids.
My favorite Promises of my 12 Step Program,
“We shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” And “We shall know a new freedom and a new happiness.”
DAMN. I do have a life beyond my wildest dreams today. Everything I have is a gift. I AM A SECOND CHANCER and I am so very grateful for every single beautiful and ugly thing in my life up to this point. It’s made me who I am today. And I am a fighter of the good fight. I hope you are as well. It’s good over here. I believe in you.
Do you feel it?