Last week, I’m sure all of you read my post celebrating 25 amazing daddies. I’m also sure the post warmed your heart and gave you hope for all MANkind, right?
Well, not so fast.
Before I get started on my rant, let me give you some background.
We’re Daddies Doin’ Work…right?
A few months ago, my wife and my two sisters in-law went to Vegas for a girls only trip and the boys were left behind to watch the kids. After giving it some thought, we decided to take our munchkins (all under the age of 4) to the Long Beach Aquarium to introduce them to the wonders of marine life.
Then something crazy happened.
People kept stopping us to say the following:
- “You guys are some of the most amazing dads I’ve ever seen!”
- “If only all dads could be like you guys.”
- “You guys make all men look bad.”
At the time, we all took the ego-boosting compliments and moved on.
However, after I published last week’s blog post, I went back and reflected on that day and had the following deep thought:
“What the hell is going on with our society?”
A bunch of dudes took their children to the Aquarium for some fun and exploration. So what? Do we really deserve credit for this? You would’ve thought we saved a pack of puppies from a burning building due to the level of props we received that day.
Using another example, my twin brother Shola went to Toys R Us last weekend to return a defective bicycle that he bought for his daughter’s birthday in late December. When he was walking in the parking lot with a bright purple bike, he was stopped by three different women who gushed over how he’s such an “amazing dad.”
It’s important that I’m clear on what I thought was a pretty obvious fact:
Taking your kids to the Aquarium doesn’t make any dude a great dad.
Returning a defective bike to a toy store doesn’t make any dude a great dad.
A cute dad? Maybe.
A great dad? No.
This madness has to stop.
The Incredibly Low Bar
Is this where we are as a society? Is the bar for being a “Great Dad” set a notch above “Deadbeat”? If so, that’s damn good news for deadbeats and lazy dads everywhere, because it takes minimal effort to achieve this status. Hell, just take 15 minutes out of your life to walk your kid around the block and have people tell you how great you are. When you get home, turn on your XBox for hours on end while you ignore your family in the process. If your wife is silly enough to give you any lip, just tell her that “Two strangers just told me how great of a dad I am! What’s your problem? Quit nagging me!”
See what I mean?
Chris Rock said something in one of his comedy routines that makes a lot of sense (paraphrasing):
“I can’t stand it when people expect praise for stuff they’re supposed to do. For example, when people say, ‘I ain’t never been to jail!’ What do you want, a cookie?! You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!”
Exactly.
Walking with our kids, playing with our kids, learning with our kids, and embracing the responsibility as the primary male role-model in the lives of our kids is something that dads are supposed to do. In my mind, giving props to a man for taking his kids to the Aquarium or returning a broken bike to a store is no different than giving him props for staying out of jail.
The bar must be raised.
Bad Dads Know the Secret
Bad Dads are a lot of things, but they’re not stupid. They’re smart enough to recognize how to use this dynamic in their favor. Here are a couple of examples:
1) Showtime Dads: More often than not, these guys won’t lift a finger around the house unless it’s to eat a sandwich or use the remote control. However, whenever one of his wife’s friends stops by the house, or there’s a family gathering of some kind, the dude transforms into Superman. He’ll change every diaper, he’ll sing songs to his baby, he’ll play dress up with his daughter, he’ll wash dishes, and overall he’ll be the best guy ever. Once the guests leave the building, so does his Academy Award winning performance. He’s back to playing video games, surfing the net, and ignoring everyone in his family. When his wife complains to her friends about her husband’s lack of family involvement, they’ll respond by saying, “Are you kidding? He’s amazing! I see how involved he is with your kids and how he helps you around the house. You are SO lucky to have him. Stop complaining…you look really selfish and ungrateful right now.”
Don’t be fooled. Showtime Dads know exactly what they’re doing.
2) “It Could Be Worse” Dads: These guys are similar to the Showtime Dads in the sense that they don’t lift a finger around the house, but they don’t make any effort to put on an act when friends and family stop by. Instead, once you complain about him, he’ll say,
“You really need to stop whining. At least I…(insert one of the following)”
- Pay the bills
- Don’t beat you up
- Don’t sleep around with other women
- Don’t beat the kids up
- Change a diaper every now and then
- Don’t verbally abuse you or the kids
Again, as Chris Rock would say, nobody deserves props for shit we should (or shouldn’t) be doing innately. Like I said earlier, being a notch above a deadbeat shouldn’t win anyone any “Father of the Year” awards.
The bar must be raised.
It Doesn’t Work Both Ways
I would bet a paycheck that if our wives took our kids to the Aquarium that day without us, nobody would’ve stopped them to say that they’re the greatest moms ever. As a matter of fact, I doubt anyone would’ve said a word to them.
When I was driving home the other day and noticed a young mom with a double stroller struggling across the street with multiple bags of groceries, I didn’t see one person help her or say that she’s the best mom ever.
Mothers rarely receive ego-boosting words.
No strangers are taking pictures of them as if the sighting was as rare as seeing the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot in the same room (this happened to us).
No men are stopping them to say, “I wish all moms were like you ladies.”
Why?
Because moms are supposed to do these things.
Enough already. Just because a woman gives birth to a baby doesn’t mean that she should bear the weight of every parenting expectation while men skate by with the occasional diaper change.
The bar must be raised.
Last, But Not Least
So what about the DDW Nation I started last week? Do those guys deserve props?
Yes and no.
In the short term, they absolutely deserve props for showing the rest of the world (including me) how to be an epic dad.
In the long term, we need to get to the point where society views these behaviors as something dads are supposed to do. In other words, these men need to be viewed as the rule and not the exception. Currently, it’s the other way around, and that’s a problem as far as I’m concerned.
PLEASE understand something: I’m not saying that you shouldn’t thank your spouse for being thoughtful when it comes to you and your family.
- Thank your husband for cooking dinner if you’re exhausted.
- Thank your wife for taking over the nighttime routine with the kids if you have to work late at the office.
- Thank your husband for taking the kids to the park for the afternoon so you can have a few hours to regain your sanity.
- Thank your wife for knowing the exact words to say to calm your rambunctious children when you’re about to lose your patience.
DDW UPDATE:
Did you know that I just launched my new You Tube Channel? Feel free to check me out in live action, and if you’re digging it – subscribe and spread the word!
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Loved this. Though I’m neither a husband or a mother, I love that you’re keeping us accountable. Thank you!
This is the whole truth and nothing but.
Another phrase that kills me: “I pay child support.” Um…isn’t financially caring for your child part of the duty. And the men that say this are usually providing no other type of support.
I’ve said this before here but I never knew my father (he was/is a deadbeat) so every day I am amazed at seeing my children’s father care for them, be there for them. And he actually says that he feels he could be better and when I say, “Well, you’re here.” He says “That’s what I’m supposed to do…what more can I do to be better.”
Well written and oh so true. What really struck a chord with me was the key in raising our sons to be caring individuals who will in turn be “good dads.” I have seen this same conversation many times before amongst my Mommy friends and especially in my new mothers group. I was bewildered at the time and couldn’t begin to understand why their husbands were not expected to be an equal and cooperative part in the parenting process. Even our group moderator, a nurse at the health clinic, suggested the women don’t bombard their husbands when they walk through the door and give the husbands some downtime before asking them to switch on parent mode. This saddened and confused me that we were being told that being a full time mom is expected of us 24/7 but that it was not reasonable of us to expect the same from our counterparts. I do feel very fortunate that my husband values my feelings and communicates with me openly about our parenting style, responsibilities, and issues/needs as they arise. I fully expect the parenting of our children to have ebbs and flows of struggle and responsibilities but I am oh so glad to have a partner I can always go to and rely on for his support just as he can lean on me.
Excellent post! Since becoming a mom, I’ve been struck by all of the “great dad” comments that fly around. My husband is as active a parent as he can possibly be, and we have an equal relationship in that regard….which is how it SHOULD be, and yet I feel extremely lucky!
There are certainly things that one parent might be better at than the other (for example, my husband is an EXCELLENT cook, and I have a calmer disposition….so he keeps us very well-nourished and I can normally handle toddler ‘tude a bit more easily), but no parent should get kudos for doing something the other parent would be expected to do without praise. We say “thank you” a lot in our house, to each other, for specific actions, because we both truly are thankful for the other parent’s contribution…but I think my husband would laugh at someone who told him he was a great dad because he makes dinner most nights.
That said, I do think we’re moving in the right direction on this. From what I’ve seen, most of my friends have very equal parenting responsibilities, and while I’m sure that’s partially a reflection of my particular demographic, it’s a step forward from a generation ago. And I plan on passing a tradition of crushing gender stereotypes and showing respect for all women and men down to the next generation. Positive change might be slow, but it’s happening. Thank you for helping it along!!
I firmly believe it takes 2 to make a baby, it takes 2 to raise the baby. Even before I got sick the Hubster and I were always equal parents. Of course I did more, because I stayed home while the Hubster worked. I think it makes raising children so much easier when there are 2 of you, let’s face it parenthood is hard, I honestly don’t think I could do it alone, so all credit to the single parents who do it alone.
I and my sisters were raised by a single father, and even while I appreciate all he did for us, I know that single mothers get a lot less support and praise than he did. Women, especially, are guilty of praising men and ignoring their sisters. I feel it in myself.
One dad to another.
Nail hit dead on the head.
Keep up the good word.
This is one of the reasons that I didn’t enter my hubby into the DDW Nation. He’s a wonderful dad, and I love him… but it’s his job. He does what he’s supposed to. “It’s not considered babysitting if it’s YOUR baby”… We both take turns to watch her so the other gets some “time off”, we do things as a family, he does things with her, I do things with her…I don’t think that some people understand that “parent” is a verb too, not just a noun – AND it’s gender neutral.
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That is the absolute truth. Being a great dad shouldn’t be the exception it should be the norm. I will admit because of my own experience with my deadbeat dad, when you hear about men doing what a dad is supposed to do it stands out. Because that’s all we ever hear about are the ones who fail. So then when we see dads who aren’t failing their kids it’s like seeing a superhero. Being a great parent in general shouldn’t be a reason to have a parade, it should be an everyday event.
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My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but I sent this to him so he knows what’s up when we get around to becoming parents! I love this post! So glad I saw this on Facebook today!
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Glad to have found your site and I loved this post. I’ve been a stay at home dad for the past two years for my seven yr old daughter and almost three yr old son. I can relate to the surprise factor when I’m out and about (also at the aquarium
and I think it’s quite amusing when people especially women raise their eyebrows and say “oh reallly, that’s so cool” when I tell them what my “job” is. Society needs to catch up..
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This was a timely post for me to read. I responded to an article to article that addressed how mothers women aren’t equal to men in the professional world, arguing it was bias against women, & suggested their research was a mere reflection of the upside down values we have towards women and men and the roles they play as parents.
The article was suggesting ways how mothers could become more professional in high status jobs. All the emphasis was how women need to change, and how society needs to change so that women can access their roles as mother and career girl. My rebuttal was to suggest that we need to make it easier and more socially acceptable for men to fulfill their parenting role and to place higher value on the roles of fathers in raising their children.
I think our thinking needs to be completely turned on it’s head. The bar needs to be raised on our thinking and what we consider to be “high status” or “valuable work”. While bringing in the bread & professional careers can provide a person with high social status, so should be true for the role of raising our children to be healthy, happy and conscientious thinkers for tomorrow — whether that role be filled by a male or female.
“I would bet a paycheck that if our wives took our kids to the Aquarium that day without us, nobody would’ve stopped them to say that they’re the greatest moms ever. As a matter of fact, I doubt anyone would’ve said a word to them.”
Nope – more likely someone would criticize her snack choices.
Thanks – Loved the article!
Oh my goodness Jill, you just made me laugh out loud – So true!
So true. Mothers seem to get criticized (mostly by other mothers) for the choices they make – even the insignificant ones. When I go out with my son I feel like every move I make or word I say is scrutinized while my husband gets praise and glory for doing exactly the same thing.
First time to the blog. I’m not sure what I enjoyed more, the comedy or the parenting. This is really, really good s&#t. Might be time to think about a book. Excellent. Keep it up.
I have to say I agree with everything you have said. I also receive compliments when I take my 4 kids out by myself. I have felt a little insulted that people feel the need to compliment me for doing my duty as a parent. I have always tried to share equally in the parenting of my children. When they were babies I would be up in the middle of the night rocking them back to sleep after my wife had breast fed them. I also have never babysat my children, they are mine I take care of them like I should. I have had lots of arguments with coworkers about what our roles are in the household. I don’t know why but most men I work with feel that their work is more important than taking care of their children.
I hate it when my mother in law will ask my husband how babysitting the kids was while I was at work. Seriously?! Babysitting? Is that what I do all day everyday while he is at work?
Thanks for this post. It validates much of what I’ve told my own husband, who is great at helping around the house, cooking, playing with the kids, etc, but seems to think sometimes he should get a prize because he does all of that, and “most of your friends don’t have husbands who do.” Since when has just being better than other dads become the standard?! Awesome to hear this from a dude who gets it!
I dislike it when I’m out without my children and every person who sees me asks “Where are the kids, who is watching them? as if they were my bodily appendages.
My favorite reply to the question “Is ____(husband) babysitting?” – - – “No, he’s PARENTING.” It sometimes feels snarky to say, but it’s one of my pet peeves.
As a single dad with full custody of my daughter for the past 6 years, I get it all the time. I’m just doing what needs to be done. I’m not great. There are times when I’m so wrapped up in my own life that I don’t give her the attention she needs. Sure, I’ve made some sacrifices, but what parent hasn’t? I’ve failed her a hundred different ways a hundred different times and when people tell me what a great father and awesome man I am for stepping up to my responsibilities, I try to tell them that I am no different than any other father out there.
I think that society has beaten down men so much over the last 2 decades due to about 2% of men not participating in their childrens lives, that this is what everyone has come to expect from men. Man bashing has worked, extremely well. Good job whoever started bringing us down so they could feel better about their own stature in society, your plans have succeeded!!
Dave recently posted..The Incredibly Low Bar
I love this post! Daddy’s have duties as parents too. Keep up the great work on this blog!
My favorite was when my now-ex-husband was furious when I told him “last minute” that I had to run into work for an hour on a Saturday, and screamed, “I’M NOT YOUR DAMN BABYSITTER!” along with several other obscene insults.
He moved out a year ago and I haven’t seen a penny, but it’s almost worth it just to have him gone…
As a father off two girls I must say your post is spot-on. It does start with us!
Great post! Great idea! I’m a “recovering workaholic” dad, who tried to make it to as many of my daughter’s functions. etc. “as I could;” and I was called up and sent to the Gulf War for almost a year when my daughter was 9 years old. I can only agree with my wife that it is a miracle that my daughter speaks to me at all. Moreover, dads who do the minimum or less in childcare, need to be reminded that every hour of “daddy daycare” and every diaper-change, builds a life of love with his family. And you are right that it is just his duty to that family and . Now that my daughter is grown, I cherish every time that I remembered to say “You are the best mommy!” to my wife.
You have to appreciate the context of the situation a bit! You were there, alone, with your kids. I’m sure at least a couple of the compliments were women gauging interest/hitting on you.
Anyway, some of us lazier dads need the encouragement to keep doing right by our children. =P (jk of course)
Hello! I’ve been meaning to get in touch with you for months as I’m such a huge fan of your blog. But this post is by far my favourite. So many Dads I know could learn a thing or two from you! Luckily I married a good one so I’ve no complaints!
Anyway, it feels like I was supposed to contact you now, because something you said in this post echoes something I’ve just written.
You said this: “Mothers rarely receive ego-boosting words”
I’ve just written a post on my new blog which I’d absolutely love for you to share if you’d consider me for a guest poster. The post is called Complimentary Thinking and it explores how I feel mums should stop comparing/competing and start complimenting each other more. I think it could do so much to quieter our inner voices of self doubt (which all mums have but few admit to). I think mums need to practice more kindness to themselves and each other, which is why my new blog is called Mummy Kindness.
Here’s the link to the latest post. I’d so love your thoughts!
http://mummykindness.com/2013/01/25/complimentary-thinking/
Rachel (UK)
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Rachel (mummy kindness) recently posted..Complimentary Thinking
Great post! Sorry to say but I would have been one of those women at the aquarium thinking to myself “wow!! Something must have happened to those poor moms (hospitalized, kidnapped, tragic accident) for those dads to be taking their kids out!” My hubby once said to me “85% I people know say that moms do 90% of the work.” I truly believe that it lies in the parents of boys of teach them how to be a 100% functioning dad because my mother-in-law would constantly ask me why my husband not participating in the parenting/raising of our daughter bothered me. “Be thankful. He does lots more than what MY husband ever did.” I told her she should have raised her standards.
I don’t need praise for raising my toddler, but it would be nice not to get the stink-eye from mothers when I take my boy to the pool or to his gymnastics classes. Most mothers think it is cool I do the same job as them – some are clearly not happy about it.
Very good thoughts. I am a SAHM; one of the early issues we had to work out when our kids were young was when would I get my “weekend”? My husband got similar comments when he would take the kids to Gymboree, or to the park, mall… One of the most helpful things he did when I was nursing our youngest, was have me pump a few extra bottles on Friday and Saturdays, and he would get up those nights, in order to let me sleep through. Obviously no one witnessed this, but it was so helpful.
I think we need more men like you who are setting good examples, and calling out other Dads–it is received much better from you than from we Moms.
Great piece, I loved it. As a Dad I try to be mindful when I receive this kind of low-bar praise.
The only thing I take issue w/ is your list is the emphasis on hetero sex stuff, what gives? Why do we need to teach our sons to find a woman / daughter to find a man? Can’t we teach our kids about healthy, romantic relationships, how to stay safe, and unconditionally love and support them when they find loving partners, regardless of their chosen one’s sex or sexual identity?
1) Teach our sons to be hard working gentlemen who respect, love, and support women.
2) Teach our daughters not to settle for anything less than a hard working gentleman who respects, loves, and supports women.