It’s the first Tuesday in November and that means it’s election day! No, I’m not talking about one of those elections. Let me explain.
For those of you who’ve been here for a while, you know that every year I ask my faithful Subscribers Doin’ Work to vote for a President Of Stuffed Animals (POSA) to run my household.
If you’re a newbie to my blog, none of this will make any sense to you unless you take a moment to read last year’s post. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
Back in November 2014, my readers voted for a second term for Frankie the Frog. It’s well-documented that I have a strong frog phobia, so the past two years having her in office were not necessarily fun. However, the Doin’ Work Constitution (yes, my household has a Constitution, doesn’t yours?) clearly states that there is a two-term limit for the POSA, so frankly (pun kinda intended), I’m not sad to see her go.
Without further ado, let’s meet this year’s candidates. Thankfully there are no frogs on the ballot.
Her platform: Do it like a girl.
Argument for: My 4-year old is not a traditional girly-girl. I mean, the kid dressed up as Jake from Jake and the Never Land Pirates for Halloween this year. I think the reason why my daughter gravitates towards Princess Merida is because she illustrates what “being a girl” means to her. This princess is tough, headstrong, passionate, and prefers getting dirty over getting dolled up (not that there’s anything wrong with getting dolled up, of course. It’s just not her thing). Most importantly, she’s not willing to wait around to have her fate determined by a man or anyone else. She’s a great candidate for female empowerment – and as a dad raising two little girls, you know that I’m in favor of that. She also embraces her curly hair and encourages other children to do the same. If you follow my Facebook page, you also know how much I love that as well.
Argument against: Just like with Queen Elsa last year, Princess Merida isn’t a stuffed animal – and somebody is not pleased about a non-stuffed animal running for POSA (more on that in a minute). The case can be made that Princess Merida is a self-absorbed brat who caused a ton of problems for her family because she refused to listen to her parents. If that doesn’t sound like an angst-filled teenager, then I don’t know what does. Quite honestly, since my daughters are only 2 and 4 years old, my life is pretty simple. Sure there are tantrums, potty training issues with my youngest, and other toddler-related challenges – but do they compare to the challenges that come from a know-it-all teenager? Check in with me in about 9 years, but I’m thinking the answer is “no.” Do I really need to have a POSA that reminds me daily of what my future holds?
Who is he?: He’s the troublemaking penguin that’s a part of Hello Kitty’s Sanrio family of misfits. He’s also finished a close second to Frankie the Frog in last year’s election and he’s really pissed off about it.
His platform: If you’re going to be bad, be good at it.
Argument for: This guy wants to be the POSA badly. For all of 2015 he sat around mean-mugging all of the stuffed animals in my house vowing that he would do a better job if he was in office. Same as last year, he’s a “no bullshit” candidate – he will tell you exactly what you need to hear, whether you like it or not. Is your kid acting like a jerk? He’ll tell you that you’re a crappy parent (and tell your kid to get some manners). Are you one of those parents who whines about how “tough” your life is? He’ll tell you to put your big girl/big boy pants on and stop complaining. There’s something respectable about a candidate who keeps it real without worrying about being “politically correct” all of the time. If he’s not busy talking about how great his policies are, he’s talking about how great his hair is – and as Demi Lovato says, “What’s wrong with being…what’s wrong with being…what’s wrong with being confident?”
Argument against: Speaking of his policies, the first law he wants to pass is to rid my household of all princesses and send them back to the Disney Store or Goodwill. He says, “They shouldn’t be here! They ARE NOT stuffed animals! They also shouldn’t be allowed to run for POSA!” Technically, he’s right. The job is called President of Stuffed Animals, so I can understand how that can bother someone. However, we’re big on inclusion in my family, and my daughters would be devastated if he sent away all of the princesses just because they’re different. Isn’t being different a good thing? Anyway, he’s trying like hell to remove Princess Merida from the ballot – and all of the princesses rallied in her defense last night to prevent it from happening. Based on the Supreme Court’s ruling (aka, my daughters), the curly redhead will remain in the running for POSA – but Badtz-Maru isn’t making any friends by alienating a large percentage of the toys in my house.
Although he’s always running his mouth about how great his policies are, he offers no concrete plans for how he’ll get them to work. In regards to eliminating the princesses, the only thing he said is he’ll build a train and put them all on it (and the princesses will be the ones who actually pay for the train to be built). Yeah, good luck with that, buddy. One has X-Men like powers (okay, Elsa’s a queen, not a princess, but she still would be a victim of this legislation), two others are pretty handy with weapons (Merida and Mulan), one is best friends with a vicious tiger (Jasmine), and another is in love with a dude that who likes to go into “Beast Mode” (Belle). I highly doubt they will all just hop on this mythical train without a fight.
I’m starting to think his platform should read, “If you look like a bat, you might as well be bat-shit crazy.”
Who is he?: Victor is a teddy bear from Vermont that my family has owned since I was a kid.
His platform: Old-School Values.
Argument for: First off, who wouldn’t love an old teddy bear from my stomping grounds of New England? Even though Victor (or Vic, as I like to call him) looks similar to the other bears out there, he’s passionate about the issues plaguing my household. His platform is all about old-school values. Listen – I totally get it. “Old-school values” is a common buzz-phrase, but some people can’t help but have Pavlovian reactions the moment they hear it and continue by attaching ridiculous inaccuracies to it. Does Vic hide from being an “old-school values” candidate? Not at all. But he wants to set the record straight on what it actually means.
It means that we spend more time reading and completing puzzles with our kids instead of watching television and playing video games.
It means that we spend more time running around outdoors with our kids than sitting inside.
It means that we don’t rely on the Internet raise our kids. Vic is particularly tired of hearing about all of this newfound research stating that everything is bad for you (don’t eat too much sugar, don’t eat too many carbs, don’t spend too much time in the sun, etc.) Hell, if you spend an hour on a parenting health website, you’ll want to lock your kids in a bubble for the rest of their lives. Vic was around to watch me grow up – and he noticed that I ate a ton of candy, played sports nonstop, was a B+ student, and didn’t watch too much television – and I turned out okay. He wants to ensure my kids – and every kid – follows that blueprint. He also doesn’t have the huge financial backing that Princess Merida (Disney) and Badtz-Maru (Sanrio) have, and that makes him extremely popular with Joe and Jane EveryAnimal.
Argument against: Vic is really old. I’m worried that after a month or two in office, his stuffing will start falling out due to the rigors of the office. Besides the fact that he’s old, I’m concerned that his policies will encourage everyone to be mediocre instead of encouraging individuals to excel. For example, you know how in youth sports everyone gets an award just for showing up nowadays? He loves that sort of thing. Is this what the world is coming to? We get props just for showing up?? As a guy who built his platform on ensuring dads go above and beyond, how can I endorse a candidate who thinks dads should win award just for being there? Shouldn’t the bar be set higher?
Also, none of the other candidates are taking him very seriously. They joke that he’s a Social Studies teacher or an annoying uncle – but the last thing they believe is that Vic is presidential. Maybe we should just give him a glass of warm milk, place him on the couch to watch Wheel Of Fortune reruns, and walk away slowly.
Trey The Party Bear
His platform: Party up!
Argument for: Trey is a true party animal, literally and figuratively. I’m pretty sure I caught him brushing his teeth with Jello shots the other day. He truly believes (and I quote), “Parenting is 90% a good sense of humor and beer – and 10% everything else.” When I think about it, it’s pretty hard to dispute those statistics. He’s also in favor of a “Dad Dress Code” of tank tops and cargo shorts, which I’m cool with because that’s what I wear every day of the week here in Southern California. The guy doesn’t take anything seriously and he’s having the time of his life. Maybe he’s just the breath of fresh air my family needs.
Argument against: I’ve been a dad for almost 5 years now and you know what I’ve learned to be 100% true about fatherhood? Never take parenting advice from party animals with no kids. We all have “that childless friend” who is an absolute blast to party with, but wouldn’t let within a 500-yard radius of our kids due to the fact that he thinks a great way to spend a Tuesday night is playing Edward Fortyhands. Trey is that guy.
Do I really need to listen to migraine-inducing dance music in my house with the “Uncha, Uncha, Uncha” beat nonstop? Do I need to deal with constantly shielding my kids’ eyes from the parade of female bears he invites over to “watch Netflix and chill”? Do I really need someone to hand me a beer the moment my kids get out of line? If that were the case, I’d have to Uber my daughters to school every morning.
In other words, if Rob Gronkowski was a stuffed animal, he would be Trey. Would it be fun to have him around? Absolutely. Would I trust him to run my household around my impressionable young daughters? Absolutely not.
This is what you have to choose from.
There are no “Write-In” candidates.
Vote for your candidate now!
Don’t forget to make your voices heard in the comment section as well. The candidate with the highest percentage of votes determines the winner, and polls close at 8:59 PM (Pacific Time) on Tuesday November 3, 2015.
Editor’s Note: I know this should go without saying, but please don’t be an asshole and ruin the fun by talking about real politics here. Since I moderate comments, any Democrat-bashing or Republican-bashing will never see the light of day on my blog. Carry on.