It’s the first Tuesday in November and that means it’s election day! No, it’s not the election day you’re probably accustomed to. Let me explain.
For those of you who’ve been here for a while, you know that every year I ask my faithful Subscribers Doin’ Work to vote for a President Of Stuffed Animals (POSA) to run my household. As my two daughters grow older, it seems as if the population of stuffed animals grows with them. Raising kids is hard enough without worrying about who’s keeping these tiny beasts in line (the stuffed animals, not my kids). That’s why I created the POSA to handle that responsibility for me.
Last year Frankie the Frog won the popular vote with my readers and she’s on the campaign trail to be the first-ever POSA to be reelected (more on her later). In the meantime, let’s meet the frog’s competition (chosen by my 3.5 year old daughter).
Lavi the Lavender Bunny
Who is she?: Lavi was the first stuffed animal my youngest daughter ever knew. The bunny was in her bassinet the day she was born and now that she’s almost 16 months old, she still sleeps with her every night. Without question, Lavi is her favorite candidate.
Her platform: Daily hugs for everyone.
Argument for: Lavi is the candidate for Joe/Jane EveryStuffedAnimal. She doesn’t have huge corporate backers influencing the voting box, she’s not dolled up with fancy bling, and (most importantly) she’s endorsed heavily by one of the Daughters Doin’ Work. And who can’t get behind her platform of giving daily hugs? Just so you know, I don’t do handshakes. I hug everyone I meet (men, women, children, animals, etc.) – and it’s easy to support a candidate who feels the same way.
Argument against: To this day, I have no earthly clue where Lavi came from. Seriously, I don’t. Did she drop from the heavens like an angel into my daughter’s bassinet back in July 2013? Or did some disgruntled hospital worker just toss her in the bassinet when I wasn’t looking? Are the bunny’s intentions genuine? I googled her and came up completely empty. She doesn’t even have a tag sewn on her rear end. That’s a red flag if you ask me. Sure, she looks innocent enough, but I’d like to know a little more before I trust her with my home security codes. My daughter also won’t let me pick up Lavi without throwing an epic fit, so there’s that. I had to wait for her to fall asleep, sneak into her room, and carefully grab the bunny just to take the group photo you see above. I could see that getting old quite quickly.
His platform: If you’re going to be bad, be good at it.
Argument for: He has style, a bad-ass attitude, and he marches to the beat of his own drummer. Additionally, his platform is respectable because he’s genuine. You know those parents who act like they’re perfect, but in real life they can’t change a diaper without an instruction manual or help from their high-priced nannies? Well, he’s the opposite of those people. There’s no bullshit with this little guy. He always keeps it real and I respect that. He’s also cool with Hello Kitty without actually being Hello Kitty. That scores big points in my book.
Argument against: Wait a second – isn’t my platform all about shunning the bad boys of the world? What type of message would it send to my daughters if this guy got elected? What recourse would I have when one of my daughters starts dating and decides to bring home a a boyfriend named “Snake”? I can hear her now: “But dadddddddeeeeeee! All of your ‘super-smart’ readers voted for a bad boy to win the POSA title 14 years ago, and you won’t let me date one?? That’s not fair!” Not on my watch, people. Not on my watch.
Her platform: Let it go.
Argument for: She’s the only candidate with years of leadership experience. She’s effing royalty, for crying out loud. She also has the deepest pockets of any candidate by a long shot. With her money and innate powers, the possibilities are endless. She could create a Frozen Yogurt shop in my kitchen, she could create Christmas in July in Los Angeles, she could completely lower my bills with built-in air conditioning. Additionally, her platform of letting things go is quite helpful whenever my daughters have public meltdowns/tantrums. The only thing that kinda sucks is it requires me to sing “Let It Go” in order for said public meltdowns/tantrums to end, and that isn’t pretty. And by, “isn’t pretty,” I mean that my singing voice sounds like a geriatric moose with its testicles caught in a vice grip while simultaneously trying to do the Harlem Shake on hot coals. But who cares? I’m all about results and she can bring them.
Argument against: I guess we can start with the fact that she isn’t a stuffed animal. Personally I think it’s crappy that people think they can make up their own rules just because they happen to be rich and influential. However, DDW1 lost her damn mind right when I was about to remove her from the ballot – and because of that, here we are about to give arguably the most powerful and influential cartoon character in recent memory more power and influence. The wealthy 1% crowd is hardly relatable to the common folk like us, and her X-Men-like mutant powers makes her even less so. Not to mention, I’ll be pissed if she suggests that my daughters isolate themselves from each other for years just because one happens to have the “power” to smile when she farts in her sleep while the other one doesn’t.
Frankie The Frog
Who is she?: Her frogginess is the current President Of Stuffed Animals (POSA) and is seeking reelection in the Doin’ Work household.
Her platform: Get Doyin over his ridiculously irrational fear of frogs. (Editor’s Note: If you want to know the story about my frog phobia, read #14 on this list.)
Argument for: I’ll keep it real with you here. I hate frogs. It doesn’t help that they happen to be my oldest daughter’s favorite animal. She loves those nasty creatures so much that her favorite preschool song is “Five Little Speckled Frogs.” Needless to say, I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly whenever my kid brings up frogs, but as her daddy – I have to put a brave face on, smile, and pretend that I’m cool with it. However, the tide turned slightly when Frankie passed legislation mandating that she pose in photos with every meal I create and attend every book tour stop (Editor’s Note/Shameless Plug: By the way, you bought my new book, right? If you haven’t, for less than $12 – or $8 for Kindle users – you can get your copy today. You will love it – but don’t take my word for it. Just read the Amazon reviews). At first I was pissed that this micromanaging frog was getting all up in my
business but as we spent some time together in cities like LA, NYC, Chicago, and Washington DC, we started to become kinda close. During one book tour stop, I realized that I left her in my hotel and I had my cab driver take me back just to get her. So after about a year, I can honestly say that I kinda tolerate her now.
Argument against: I still hate frogs.
This is what you have to choose from.
There are no “Write-In” candidates.
Will Frankie win a second POSA term?
Will one of her three challengers win the POSA title for 2014-2015?
Make your voices heard in the comment section. The majority determines the winner, and voting closes at 8:00 PM (Pacific Time) on Tuesday November 4, 2014.
Editor’s Note: I know this should go without saying, but please don’t be an asshole and ruin the fun by talking about real politics here. Since I moderate comments, any Democrat-bashing or Republican-bashing will never see the light of day on my blog. Carry on.