As I’m sure you know by now, MDW is pregnant with our second baby. Since I’ve seen plenty of pregnant women in my lifetime (friends, family members, etc.) I feel that I needed to create a Guide To Pregnant Women to help men out. Here goes nothing.
Before I begin, let me say that I’m sure 90% of men already know (and are following) the tips I’m going to lay out here; however, if you know of some dudes who need to read the information I’m about to share, don’t hesitate to send this to them.
#1 – Morning sickness: I’m not quite sure why they call it morning sickness, because the feeling of misery goes on all day and all night long for many pregnant women. When I come home after a good workout at the gym, the smell of my sweat makes MDW want to vomit all over me (Editor’s Note: In fairness, the smell of my sweat always makes MDW want to vomit all over me, but her desire to do so is much more powerful now). Even when a pregnant woman isn’t making out with her toilet, she still feels like she’s suffering through the “Flu on Steroids” pretty much every minute of every day.
What Can Men Do? - For starters, don’t walk around your preggo wife smelling like sweat (that memo is intended for me, by the way). Also don’t trivialize it by saying, “It’s not that bad” or “You must be faking it. Nobody can be this sick all of the time.” That would make you an asshole of the highest order. In college, you would hold the hair back of some girl you met at a fraternity party while she pukes into a nearby toilet or trash can, so doesn’t it make sense that you’d do the same for the woman who is carrying your child?
The bottom line is to be as empathetic as you can, because hurling your guts every day is no fun for anyone.
#2 – Dietary restrictions: Want a beer? That’s probably not a good idea. How about some caffeine to help you stay awake? Yeah, that’s not a good idea, either. There’s an excellent sushi joint that just opened. Wanna go there? Nope, can’t eat that stuff. How about some cheese and crackers at friend’s party? Well, if the cheese is made with unpasteurized milk, you better stay away from it too.
Can some of these dietary restrictions be dismissed as myths? Maybe. But are you willing to use your unborn child as a guinea pig to find out? Highly doubtful.
Analyzing every piece of food or drink you put into your mouth for nine months gets old…quickly.
What Can Men Do? – If you know that your pregnant wife/girlfriend craves something that she can’t eat or drink, don’t be a dick and consume it around her (eating sushi or drinking beer, for example). However, when her cravings for peanut butter and marshmallows hit, don’t ask questions. Just go to the store with a smile on your face and pick that shit up.
#3 – Extreme fatigue: My wife is a very energetic woman, but pregnancy absolutely saps every last piece of get-up-and-go that she has, and many other pregnant women are the same way. Who knew that a baby the size of a golf ball could turn a grown-ass human being into a zombie? Well, it happens.
What Can Men Do? – You have to institute the “45-minute clock.” In other words, when a pregnant woman tells you she’s going to do something, you need to tack on 45 minutes in addition to the time she gives you. For example, if she says it’s going to take her 30 minutes to get ready to out to the movies, it’s really going to take her an hour and 15 minutes (and when she’s at the movies, she’ll get up to pee no less than six times). The 45-minute clock is a tool that will save your sanity when dealing with your slow-moving pregnant wife. Just be patient with her and keep your frustrations to yourself.
#4 – Inability to get comfortable: When Little DDW plays “horsie” on my back, it isn’t very comfortable. The good news for me is that I can tell her, “Daddy has had enough, baby. Let’s take a break,” and then she’ll run along and find something else in our condo to destroy. Unfortunately that isn’t the case for pregnant women who have tiny humans playing “horsie” on their bladders and other internal organs 24/7. Sleeping is difficult, walking is difficult, sitting at a desk is difficult, and in some instances – even breathing is difficult.
What Can Men Do? – Not much, really. She’s going to squirm and complain, but that’s all par for the course. Every woman is different – some will want you to massage their feet and others won’t want you to be within ten yards of them. It’s up to you to know how your spouse deals with discomfort and accomodate her in any way possible. One thing I’ve learned is to not offer suggestions (like a dude would have any idea how to make a pregnant lady comfortable). Don’t do that shit.
#5 – Short fuse: Many of the pregnant women I’ve come across have short fuses and can be extremely emotional. For example, you can be at Babies R Us and comment on how you really like a certain baby stroller, and your wife/girlfriend will get pissed because she thinks you like the stroller due to the “attractive mom model” on the box. Maybe your wife will make you sleep on the couch because you wore a blue T-shirt instead of your lucky red T-shirt, and that’s the “main reason” why her favorite sports team lost the game (this happened to a friend of mine).
What Can Men Do? – Nothing, except to grab a straw and suck it up. No offense ladies, but some of the stuff you say when you’re pregnant is bat-shit crazy…and there’s no arguing with bat-shit crazy. Fellas, be supportive, nod your head, and do whatever she says. The lady is carrying your child, for crying out loud. She deserves a pass to act however she pleases.
#6 – Strangers touching you: I never understood this. Ladies, let’s say you’re not pregnant. What would you do if a random dude stopped you on the sidewalk and put his hands on your stomach to say, “Wow! How cool!” You’d slap the shit out of him and call the cops, right? So why do people think that it’s OK to touch a woman’s body just because she’s carrying a baby? My wife dealt with this, and if you’ve been pregnant, I’m sure you have too.
What Can Men Do? – Start by not approaching women and touching their pregnant bellies. These ladies aren’t zoo animals and they have boundaries that must be respected. However, if you’re out with your pregnant wife/girlfriend and some random dude is dumb enough to put his hands on your wife’s pregnant belly in front of you, then you gotta do what you gotta do. I’m just going to leave it at that.
#7 – People asking dumb questions: I’m sure you heard them all.
- Wow, you’re HUGE! Are you having twins?
- I heard it feels like butterflies fluttering when a baby kicks. Is that true?
- Does puking during pregnancy feel any better than puking when you’re not pregnant?
- So how do you have sex with your husband being so big?
- (The all-time favorite) Congratulations on your pregnancy!! How many months along are you?? (You guessed it, she’s not pregnant.)
What Can Men Do? - I’m a dude, so I have no effing clue on what it’s like to be pregnant. But I do know this: People don’t like to be asked the same questions over and over again. Also, people don’t like to be asked dumb questions. So, if you feel the need to ask a pregnant woman something – just take your ass to Google to see if you can find the answer there first. I can almost guarantee that the last thing she wants to endure is watching you channel your inner Barbara Walters with your line of questioning.
#8 – Not feeling beautiful: I never understood this one either, but I know plenty of pregnant women who felt ugly while they were pregnant. I’ve heard it all:
- I’m disgusting.
- I feel like a whale.
- I’m so fat.
- I can’t wait until this is over with so I can look like I used to.
Personally, I can’t think of anything more attractive than a woman you love who is also carrying your baby. Not to sound overly cheesy, but pregnant women have a glow about them that just makes them really good-looking in my eyes, and I know that I’m not alone when it comes to this. If you’ve experienced pregnancy, I hope that you’re not one of those ladies who felt ugly, because I promise you that you’re not.
What Can Men Do? – If there’s ever a time to tell your spouse how beautiful she is, now is the time. Sure, there’s a good chance she’ll respond with, “Stop lying to me, asshole. I’ll cut your penis off if you say another word to me,” and that’s OK. Editor’s Note: It’s not OK that she wants to cut your penis off, but you know what I mean. Don’t stop hugging her, kissing her, and offering sincere compliments to let her know how much you love and appreciate her. Whether she thanks you in return is irrelevant. Just know that deep down she appreciates your love.
#9 – Dealing with all of the aforementioned shit in addition to your daily responsibilities: Think about the eight things I listed above.
Now think about all of those things happening while you’re cooking, cleaning, working a full-time job, and trying to wrangle your other wild-ass children.
Enough said.
What Can Men Do? - You have to step your game up and help around the house, because whatever you were doing pre-pregnancy isn’t enough now. If you cook dinner once a week normally, you’ll have to cook three times a week now. Is giving the kids a bath your wife’s job? Well, it’s not anymore. Do you hate doing laundry and dishes? Newsflash: EVERYONE hates doing laundry and dishes, but now you have to man up and take care of business.
Put simply, she needs your help more than ever during the months she’s carrying your child. Don’t let her down.
#10: Delivering the babies: There are a lot of things in life that are difficult – such as juggling chainsaws while yodeling, or being the keynote speaker at the annual Ku Klux Klan convention as a black man – but I would put “pushing an 8-pound human through your vagina” (or two 8-pound humans, if you’re having twins – like my mom did) at the top of that list. Editor’s Note: Having your belly sliced open to deliver said 8-pound human(s) is also extremely difficult.
I’m not going to begin to pretend as if I know what it’s like, because I don’t. I’ll just go out on a limb and say that it probably isn’t very comfortable.
What Can Men Do? – Well, I’ll tell you what not to do. Don’t get drunk at a holiday party and tell your female boss (with three children) that delivering a baby is no different than taking a dump when you’re really constipated.
About seven years ago, a co-worker of mine did just that. According to him, “They both include a lot of pushing, pain, and blood, so what’s the difference?”
So, yeah…don’t say stupid shit like that.
Also, I know it’s not the most pleasant thing for a dude to do, but you gotta be there during the Grand Finale. And by “be there” I mean witnessing everything. Hell, I was crouched down like Mike Piazza in full “catcher’s mode” when MDW gave birth to Little DDW.
Make no mistake about it, the act of childbirth is NOT beautiful – as a matter of fact, it’s easily one of the most disturbing things I’ve witnessed in my lifetime. As I was holding my wife’s hand when Little DDW’s cone head came out, all I could think about was the movie Alien.
However , my wife never would’ve known because I kept myself together on the outside, even though I was repeating happy thoughts to keep myself from puking on the inside. When I told her afterwards that I almost fainted eight times during the delivery process, she said, “Do you think for a second that I really gave a damn about your feelings while I was trying to push our baby out?”
Well played, wifey.
That said, the act of childbirth is not beautiful – but when the child is born, it is truly God’s coolest miracle. A living, breathing, crying baby who you would instantly trade your life for if it meant protecting him or her from harm. Now that is beautiful.
In closing, I’m man enough to admit that I’m not man enough to deal with what women go through in regards to pregnancy. It’s grueling, painful, frustrating, and quite thankless (until the end, of course). My main motivation for composing this post is to let my wife, my mom, and every woman reading this that I give you a TON of props in regards to how you handle an extremely delicate and important job.
Kudos to all of you, and I’m sure MDW will print this up and wave it in my face if I ever slip up between now and July (and I’m sure I will). And to be honest, I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.
} – 
Awesome post, as always, DDW, many of these made me chuckle and smile! However, I just gotta tell ya, about that #8 – some women just aren’t beautiful when they’re pregnant. Some of us don’t ever get that “glow,” just those lovely red splotches of burst blood vessels in our faces from throwing our guts up on a constant basis. And between the pregnancy itself and the puking, the exhaustion is so debilitating that we barely have the energy to drag ourselves through the day, forget about “hair and makeup.” (And when I say “we,” of course I mean “me.”) I look back at photos of myself when I was pregnant and I just cringe – I’ve never looked so awful in my life. So the *concept* is the most beautiful thing ever – the woman you love carrying your child – but for many of us, there is absolutely nothing aesthetically pleasing about our appearance until well after the baby is born. Say about 10 years after…
My youngest was 11lb 8. No way was I pushing her out, so I had a section, yes the one where I pulled the Drs pants down anyway when Hubster came into theatre his first words to me were HE’S feeling nervous. HIM the spectator, then he steals my arm rest so my arm with 3 drips in it has to dangle! It wasn’t much better at the first labour. They gave me an epidural far, far too late so when it was time to push I couldn’t feel anything, still I tried, I pushed to be told by Hubster I was doing it wrong, my reply was for him to do it himself…..just not as polite! Then when our daughter was born, he spent the next 2 hours holding her, I got a glimpse!! I know I had drips in both arms, but seriously I had the hard part not him! I swore if we had anymore he would NOT be coming into delivery suit ever again lol
I think it was around the 41st week, with no sign of baby coming, that I tried to make my wife feel better by saying, “I know how you feel…”
She turned around with her face all red and evil, and said, “YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL??? YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL????? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS F– ME!!!”
So, yea. Don’t tell her you know how you feel, I suppose.
BloggerFather recently posted..SOL REPUBLIC Headphones Giveaway
I’m pretty darn sure I busted some internal organs laughing at your wife’s reaction. Sorry, dude!
LOL sorry but hey you learned something through that. I can picture her face when she gave you the “if looks could kill” glare.
Bionic Dee recently posted..A Work In Progress
With my first pregnancy, during the first trimester, I called it 24-hour-Sickeness as opposed to morning sickness. I didn’t throw up that much, though. I just felt constantly woozy. When I did throw up, it was almost always the saltines that everyone recommended to “help” the nausea. That is such a crock. After that experience, it is still difficult for me to look at saltines. With my second pregnancy (with my second son), I didn’t go anywhere near saltines. In fact I couldn’t eat much of anything until my second trimester, and it was still iffy the first several weeks of the second trimester. I lost 10 lbs during the first trimester, in fact. I was vomiting multiple times a day, and the only thing I could keep down, occasionally, were half-cup portions of mashed potatoes, and also flavor ice. I was just trying to keep hydrated. By the end of that pregnancy, I was craving spices such as cumin – so it got better definitely during the third trimester, which is when I finally gained weight.
In terms of people touching my pregnant belly . . . I must have put an aura out there of “Don’t Touch! Ever!” Few people ever tried, and when they wanted to, they asked politely. For friends and family, sometimes I said yes.
Great post! Great advice! When I was pregnant with my daughter I heard all kinds of thing & it seemed like everyone wanted to put their hands on me. One time, a friends girlfriend was upset because every time I came over, my daughter was sleeping in my belly. Well duh! I was moving, so it put her to sleep. So she decided she would wake my baby, by shaking the hell out of my belly. My husband finally had to tell her to keep her hands to herself. She thought my husband was an ass for saying it, but if wouldn’t of, I would be knocking a bitch out at 7 months pregnant. She was also the one who made the twins comment too. I’m only 5’1″ & I gave birth to an 8lb7oz baby girl. Yeah I look like I’m carrying twins, I’m tiny. My husband was always good at telling me I wasn’t fat & that you couldn’t even tell I was pregnant from behind unless I started to walk/waddle. I’m sure he was full of shit, but I love him for always trying to make me feel better.
The questions really got to me. Once I was in an elevator and somebody asked me when I was due. My answer “yesterday”. He got off at the next floor. The other one was “Do you know what you are having”. With what is probably my favorite answer ever I said “Well, we were hoping for a boy or a girl but we just found out we’re having a giraffe”. Alone they both are harmless questions but at those moments I just couldn’t take any more.
This was a great read while on a 15 min break, thank you, I dont think many guys think like this!!
Not to be an unwanted solicitor of advice but buy MDW a body pillow. Best thing ever!!! Have been pregnant seven times, so I kind of have experience in the pregnancy department. Keep up the good work, sounds like your a pro, peace and blessings to you and yours.
Body pillows are pretty much the best thing ever. My husband said to me once “I feel like you’re having an affair with that thing,” because I would never let it go! Of course, occasionally I’d catch him snuggling up to it, too!
i had babies back in the day when we could still smoke, drink, and eat pretty much what the heck ever we wanted. my youngest dd just had a baby and things are so different now, and i think the babies are so much healthier for it. like not eating raw cold cuts because of listeria bacteria? first thing she wanted after delivering my GORGEOUS grandbaby # 6 was a cold Subway sandwich. best wishes and blessings to you and the FDW as you grow your family.
This is great. I am going to forward this site to men who think it isn’t a big deal to have a baby.
Loved this! Even though we are on baby #3 and my husband *pretty much* knows what he’s doing, I think I’ll forward it to him. Sometimes I think he thinks I’m the only pregnant woman who acts this way. Nice to know I’m not alone, though I’m sorry for you!
Crazed in the Kitchen recently posted..How My Dead Cat And My 4-Year-Old Saved Christmas
Thank you for recognizing #6. I told my husband up front that I wasn’t going to take responsibility for my actions if a stranger touched me. Why do the people you know ask and not the strangers?! To quote Darlene Conner (from Roseanne) – “Any part of you that touches me you’re not getting back.”
And #3… you hear about “fatigue”… they don’t tell you that you’re falling asleep at work at 11:30am every day and then falling asleep on the couch at 6 when you get home from work. I was unprepared for that. Hubby would make dinner, poke me to wake me up and make me eat, and then send me to bed at 7:45.
Rebecca recently posted..Not a Girly Girl
These are very insightful observations! And thank you for posting this. Some women are very lucky to get a husband that cares so much. My husband Is one, and I wouldn’t trade him for all the money in the world. You’re a good man. And Congratulations on baby girl #2. I have two girls too. And, in my opinion, they are more work than boys.
My first delivery was almost a piece of cake. Not so the second. First it was the morning sickness, and then HEARTBURN that was out of this world (I heard this can be caused when the baby has a lot of hair on their head during pregnancy, of course she did). Then I was put on bed rest for the last 8 weeks. Then labor started … HARD. It seemed like it was all concentrated into a little circle area under my left breast … excruciating, but I could deal. Then they gave me an epidural THAT DID NOT WORK, except to move all that pain from my little circle to my pelvis. The doctor examined me a little later, I was fully dilated. HOWEVER, our daughter was holding her right hand up next to her head. So you guessed, the doctor PUSHED HER HAND DOWN AWAY FROM HER HEAD. As soon as his hand was gone, her hand went back to her favorite position. I went through him shoving her hand down a dozen times, until I made a very ugly comment about reaching down his throat and pulling his privates into his mouth. Needless to say, she was born, vaginally, with her right hand next to her head at her temple (I had a LOT of couching from my Husband, one of my sisters, and a very dear friend). AND, she has been a stubborn little thing ever since. She is now 21.
**NOTE TO ALL PREGNANT WOMEN: In my labor experiences, it is better when getting an epidural, to sit on the side of the bed – husband in front of you, holding on, so you don’t fall on the floor – hunched over as much as possible to separate the vertebrae in your back. I did this with the first, and it worked like a charm. Good Luck to all pregnant women.
My personal addition… Don’t tell your in-labour wife that breathing is easy. My, now ex, husband told me this while they were going in to manually break my water. (To this day, THAT is the worst pain I have EVER been in!) The nurses kept telling me to remember my breathing. Then he pipes in and says, “Just breath. It’s easy. See… Insert breathing here… No problems at all.” To which I responded, “I can’t F–ing breath! GET OUT!” I kicked him out of the room until right before they prepped me for the emergency c-section. Always remember, if it seems easy for you, it’s not easy for the one going through all the pain!
I love this
I would just like to add that if your husband has kids from a previous marriage he should NOT compare every aspect of his current wife’s pregnancy to his ex wife’s. Yes my husband did this and I’m not sure how he survived my pregnancy.
Words can’t describe how much I love this article as a woman being pregnant for the first time!
The only thing that is missing is: When your wife/girlfriend doesn’t feel good don’t bug her for sex. Between sore boobs, constantly wanting to upchuck, heartburn, and just being uncomfortable in general…sex is the farthest thing from her mind. When she wants it…SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW.
Hopefully my significant other reads the entire thing including this comment that I am sure a plethora of other pregnant women can agree with me on.
My poor husband didn’t get a kiss from about 7 weeks in. I just couldn’t stand another person getting that close to me, much less touching my face.
I was so excited about being pregnant (we lost our first) that with #2, I really didn’t mind people touching my belly, and honestly, it only gets worse after the baby’s out. EVERYBODY wants to touch and kiss the baby. I find that much harder to cope with.
LOVE. I feel slightly awful for my husband, pregnancy number 1- I would be running to the trash can/toilet./sink if I found/smelled peanuts or any nuts. He loves his trail mix. The exhaustion too, first pregnancy I worked on a farm and would curl up in hay bales and sleep when I thought no one was looking for me. I’ll probably never find another farm job after that! LOL.
And the ONLY person who touched my tummy while I was pregnant was my SIL, who is shorter then me, and I started petting her hair , “aww, I’ve never seen you with your hair down.” You touch me, I’m touching you. These are the balls I only grow when I’m pregnant. I don’t know how I’m going to do it with a 2 year old running around. I’m *hopefully* expecting #2 and already the “must sleep all the time” has kicked in. And then my total crazy psycho mom protective shields will be up again. Ahh… Bless my husband.
Manda recently posted..Barefoot Booties
Good stuff DDW!
Well said
. You really hit the nail on the head. Expecting my 3rd in June and I am thinking about sending this to my hubby without having him feel like I’m trying to drop hints. I’d like him to know that it’s not just me.