Stay-at-home moms (SAHM) are always a hot topic in parenting circles, but it’s rarely something that men will talk about. Until now.
I have a lot to say, so sit back and enjoy.
Editor’s Note #1: Stay-at-home dads, I know how hard it is for you too. As a matter of fact, an argument can be made that it’s harder for you than it is for your female counterparts due to the societal stigmas that exist. However, this post is long enough as it is, so I’m going to stick to the ladies this time. I don’t want you to think that I ignored or forgot about you.
Editor’s Note #2: Working moms, believe me – I know how tough you are (especially since I’m married to one). The reason why I focused on SAHMs is because very few people know or understand how tough they have it, while most of society understands and respects your plight. If you don’t agree with that statement, can we at least agree that most people (other than the few cavemen who believe a woman’s place is in the home) view working moms in a more positive light than SAHMs? This post was created to give SAHMs the props they rightfully deserve – but please know that I have a ton of love and respect for how tough working moms are.
We all know this woman. She could be your neighbor with the dark circles under her eyes who greets you with a half-smile as she staggers into her house with a crying newborn on one arm and a week’s worth of groceries on the other. She could be the stranger you saw at Target trying to break up a “no holds barred” wrestling match between her two sons while all of the other customers gave her dirty looks. She could be your exasperated sister who calls you in tears at 1:30 PM on a Thursday afternoon because she can’t keep her three-year old daughter from using borderline terroristic methods to separate the remaining sanity from her mind. She could be your best friend who would strongly consider forfeiting her life savings if it meant that she could enjoy 24 straight hours of her kids not touching, kicking, grabbing, or talking to her.
She could be you.
I know what you’re thinking: DDW, you’re a corporate father with a wife who is a full-time business owner. What do you know about this topic?
Plenty, actually.
Grandma Doin’ Work (my mom) and Grandpa Doin’ Work (my dad) have three boys: My older brother, my identical twin brother, and me. Speaking of my twin, I have a question for the moms out there: Let’s pretend that you have a three-year old son and you’re pregnant with your second son. How would you feel if you found out in less than 48 hours before you were to give birth to your son that you had another baby in there too? Well, that’s what happened to my parents. They freaked the eff out, but knew that they had to get it together, because…well, they didn’t have much of a choice. They only planned for two children, but they had to make it work with three.
I’m the cute one.
My dad was a young professor at a local University and that left my mom to watch over three rambunctious little boys on her own during the day as a SAHM. Even as a child under five years old, I remember how hard my mom worked around the house while my brothers and I concocted creative ways to maim ourselves and each other. She cooked, she cleaned, she did laundry (at a laundromat), all while going to school part-time at night to get her college degree. I remembered that our craziness would bring her to the verge of tears many times, but we never relented. One of us would break an antique vase, another one would make one of his brothers drink a cupful of his homemade “lemonade,” and another one almost parachuted off of our 15-foot balcony using a bed sheet. I also remember that the only thing that kept my mom from the looney bin was my dad. When he came home from work, he would help out around the house, he’d give us baths, read us stories, and play with us so my mom could wind down and relax. He understood that his work as a professor was important, but his work as an involved father and husband was/is everything to him.
My dad clearly gets it.
That said, there are three types of working dads who are married to or dating SAHMs:
- DADDY DOIN’ WORK: The working dad who clearly gets it: Refer to my dad and the countless fathers just like him.
- WORKING DAD – VERSION A: The working dad who will help out every now and then, but secretly resents you for it: He’s the one who comes home from work and rolls his eyes the second you ask him to do anything that has to do with his children or housework. He’ll help you, but he quietly complains under his breath, “Are you kidding me? What have you done all day? Watch Maury Povich and The View? How dare you ask me to change a diaper?? I worked nine hours today at the office and I’m exhausted!” He’s usually a punk ass and doesn’t have the balls to ever say it to the SAHM’s face – but she’s smart enough to know how he really feels.
- WORKING DAD – VERSION B: The working dad who clearly doesn’t get it and will let you know about it: The demarcation line is clearly drawn in the sand. HE makes the money. YOU clean the house, YOU cook the dinner, YOU do the laundry, YOU do everything that involves the kids, YOU get him a beer when he asks for it, and YOU have sex with him whenever HE is ready. Have a problem with any of that? At best, he’ll talk to you like you’re a child. At worst, you’ll get your nose broken. Well, it gets much worse than a broken nose, but you get the idea.
SAHMs, if you’re involved with a Daddy Doin’ Work (DDW), you should rejoice. He’s a real man, he values you and your family, and he understands that a “Working Dad” is far from being a DDW. I have no empirical data to back up this claim, but I’ll go out on a limb and say 65% of SAHM partners fall into the DDW category. None of what you’re about to read refers to him, but he should read it for enjoyment anyway.
If you’re involved with “Working Dad - Version A,” you have to understand that his attitude most likely comes from cognitive dissonance. Since his version of “being home” involves a Coors Light, a sofa, and SportsCenter – he just can’t wrap his head around how someone can stay at home all day and work hard at the same time (this blog entry was created with him in mind). I’d say that 30% of SAHM partners fall into this bucket.
Lastly, the remaining 5% fall into the “Working Dad – Version B” category. If you’re involved with this fool, you need to take the kids to a friend/family member’s house and leave immediately. I’m not kidding. I’m cool with him reading this, but I highly doubt this entry will elicit any behavioral changes.
Now that I’ve painted the picture, here are my ten reasons why being a SAHM is tougher than ANY corporate job – and this comes from the perspective of a corporate dad (me). Go find your man, sit his ass down in front of the computer and read this together. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you get him.
While I’m waiting, let me reiterate that what I’m about to type below is in reference to “Working Dads – Versions A and B,” not to the Daddies Doin’ Work. I don’t want my Inbox filled with hate mail from DDWs who think that I’m talking about them. Remember, we’re on the same team, fellas.
***Daddy Doyin cracks his knuckles and begins typing***
REASON #1: The Hours: Damn, it’s soooooo hard working from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM Monday through Friday. It also must suck on those really busy days when you have to stay in the office until 6:30 PM to finish a project.
Editor’s Note: Those two sentences were typed in “sarcasm font.”
You want to talk hours? How does 20-hour days sound to you? Weekends? Please. There are no weekends. When the baby is crying at 2:00 AM, who’s getting up? Is it you, Mr. Spreadsheet Superstar? Doubtful. She is the first one awake, the last one to sleep – and she does it every damn day, all damn day. I repeat – EVERY damn day, ALL damn day.
REASON #2: Tougher Clients: I know, I know – dealing with the consulting firm across town can be really difficult. Especially Bob. That dude finds a problem with every proposal you put in front of him, he never listens to your suggestions (even though you know it will only benefit his business in the long run if he did), and he constantly complains about everything. Now let me ask you something: When you negotiate with Bob, does he ever puke all over you? Does he ever shit himself and demand that you clean him up before continuing with said negotiations? Now picture that type of negotiation taking place multiple times a day. Depending on the size of your “consulting firm,” your wife/girlfriend has to negotiate with more than one Bob or Suzy simultaneously. At least you only have to deal with your version of Bob once a quarter.
REASON #3: No Breaks: OK Captain Corporate, I get the fact that you’re busy. Are you so busy that you can’t take time to rest and relax for a few minutes during the course of the day? Maybe you’ll take a walk to the corner Starbucks to buy a vanilla latte, maybe you’ll update your Facebook status during the weekly budget conference call, or maybe you’ll nap it out in your car at lunchtime. I don’t care if you work in the mailroom or if the company is named after you – every corporate person takes breaks like these during the day, and they’re lying if they tell you otherwise. However, SAHMs aren’t allowed this same luxury. Hell, in many cases she can’t even take a break to use the toilet because there’s a toddler causing a ruckus in the bathroom with her as she’s handling her business. Could you imagine if Steve from Accounting jumped around in the stall with you and screamed at the top of his lungs while you were trying to drop a deuce? That would be awkward, right? It’s no less awkward if it’s your own kid, trust me. Additionally, during those rare times when the kids are napping during the day, there’s no time for the SAHM to rest. She’s cleaning her disaster area house, she’s trying to get through the never-ending pile of laundry, she makes herself a sandwich & coffee and consumes both in less than 45 seconds, etc. I’ll tell you what she doesn’t do: Take a break. She hopes that she can take 15 minutes off when you get home, but you’re too busy bitching about how hard your day was spent sitting on your ass in front of a computer for eight hours. Fellas, the reason why this sounds ridiculous is because it is ridiculous. Man the hell up and help out, for crying out loud.
REASON #4: The Commute: Listen, if anyone understands how much it sucks to sit in traffic, it’s me. I live in Los Angeles, and I know that it takes an hour to drive ten miles in this town. However, when you’re in the car on the way to work, there are so many things you can do to distract yourself (listen to the radio, catch up with your friends via phone, or simply daydream). SAHMs still have to navigate through the same nasty traffic on their way to the doctor’s office, soccer practice, supermarket, etc. AND
- Deal with a hysterically crying three-month old who loses her mind as soon as you put her in the carseat, or
- Referee two kids fighting in the back seat over who gets to play with the iPad, or
- Search for the location of the off-button on her three year-old “Why-Bot,” or
- Suffer through repeated “Mommy? Mommy?? Mommy!!!” “WHAT?!?” “Nothing.” conversations
There’s no listening to the radio, there are no happy phone conversations, and if there’s time to daydream – it’s only to think of how to clone herself or to invent a way to sleep while being awake.
REASON #5: Lack of Assistance: Can’t figure out how to load the new proprietary software onto your company laptop? Call the IT department. Need help with how to deal with a difficult co-worker? Go to Human Resources. There’s no 800 number for SAHMs, and most days they’re working solo. They are Human Resources, IT, Customer Service, Finance, Hospitality, and Health & Welfare departments all rolled up into one extremely exhausted person. Sure they can call up friends and family for advice, but how often are they stopping by the house to help out? Definitely not as often as they would like. Not to mention, when you get home from work – how often are you offering to help out?
REASON #6: Sick Days: You’ve done your best to avoid the nasty flu bug that’s buzzing around the office, but the sucker finally bit you. You’re miserable…fever, chills, aches, pains, etc. You call in sick and you spend all day alternating between sleeping and watching Law & Order reruns on TNT. It sucks, right? Well, at least you get to rest and recover. What happens if SAHMs get sick? Do they get to call in sick too? Nope. They just suffer through the same fever, chills, aches, and pains that you suffer through AND they have to watch over their kids while they destroy the house AND they can’t rest for a minute of it all.
I almost forgot to mention – having you at home sick is a nightmare for her because it’s like she just adopted another baby.
“Honey, can you get me some Advil?”
“I’m hungry, can you make me a sandwich?”
“Can you check my temperature again? I think my fever’s rising.”
On a side note, I’ll confidently state that women are a hell of a lot tougher than men are on average. You want to see a man look like a wuss? Just wait until he gets the sniffles. Hey, I’m man enough to admit that I’m guilty of this at times. Wait…did I just say that I’m man enough to admit that I’m a wuss sometimes? That was weird. Moving on…
REASON #7: Lack of Adult Interaction: You may not be best friends with your co-workers, but at least you’re able to have an intelligent conversation with them about a variety of grown-up topics. Last night’s football game, current events, how much you can’t stand Pete in the Finance department, etc. SAHMs are stuck in a vortex ruled by Patty-Cake, Dora, Sesame Street, and the Itsy-Bitsy Spider. The only semi-meaningful adult interaction they have is when they’re asked if they want paper or plastic at the supermarket. Sure, they have their Mommy Groups and play dates, but since most of the conversations are centered around subjects like “What’s the best diaper rash cream on the market?” does it really qualify? Guys, do you ever wonder why your wife/girlfriend won’t shut up when you get home in the evening? It’s because she can finally speak to someone without using baby talk or nursery rhymes.
REASON #8: Lack of Recognition: You absolutely crushed it on a recently completed office project and you felt that your deliverable was near perfection. Unfortunately, nobody recognized you for the amount of time and effort you put into it. You’re baffled at how your colleagues cannot see how hard you work everyday for the betterment of the department. You come in early, you stay late, your work is always done well, and you don’t even get a “thank you.” Instead, you’re just “rewarded” with more work and more unrealistic expectations. You sit at your desk frustrated wondering how much longer you can tolerate this shitty working environment. Many of the SAHMs reading this are saying, “Welcome to my world, buddy.”
REASON #9: Being misunderstood: SAHMs, have you ever gone out with your husband/boyfriend and someone (usually a man) asks you what you do for a living? After you tell him, how many times have you received the patronizing, “Good for you! What a busy job!” response? Sure, some of the guys are sincere – but most of the time you can smell the bullshit on their breath. Nobody has a more misunderstood job than SAHMs. It’s not all about daytime talk shows, surfing Facebook, sleeping, and sitting on her ass eating ice cream until her hard-working hubby gets home. Many SAHMs are highly educated, supremely motivated women who chose to be at home with their families – not air-headed bimbos who haven’t read anything in their lives other than Betty Crocker cookbooks. Sure, us corporate guys can be misunderstood too, but you’ll never find a job where perception and reality are more diametrically opposed than with SAHMs.
REASON #10: Pressure: You’re a Senior VP of Corporate Operations and you have a ton of responsibilities at the workplace that wifey just can’t possibly understand. Quarterly numbers must be met, you have to find creative ways to stay under budget, and you’re in the process of restructuring your workforce. Argh!!! There’s so much pressure! Here’s my response to this:
Man the fuck up.
I had to upgrade my swear from “hell” to “fuck” to make my point here. Nothing pisses me off more than corporate bigwigs who complain about how hard their jobs are. I’m sure you’re not bitching when that bi-weekly paycheck comes in, are you? Are you whining when you leave the office at 1:00 PM on a Friday to play a round of golf with Mr. Charlie and your other corporate buddies? Most importantly, did anyone put a gun to your head to take that job? You took it because you WANTED to! If you don’t like the job, find another one. By the way, you want to know what pressure is? Pressure is knowing that if you’re off your game for a split second, it could result in your most prized possession getting seriously injured. Don’t believe me? One day, a very good SAHM friend of mine was so completely exhausted that she fell asleep at the kitchen table and her two year old daughter grabbed her mom’s coffee cup on the table and dumped it over her head. Her daughter is now seven, and her burns are almost gone – but my friend’s psyche will never be healed. Five years later she cries whenever she talks about it. “I failed as a parent…but I was so tired. I just couldn’t fight it. I was awake for 26 straight hours with no help. God knows I would never hurt my baby…but my body just shut down.”
On top of that, her now ex-husband blamed her for everything. He said (and I quote), ”Your only job is to watch our two kids, and you’re too stupid and lazy to even get that right. Maybe I should throw hot coffee in your face before I go to work each morning to wake you up. I’m disgusted by you and I’m tired of doing EVERYTHING for this family!”
If you didn’t guess, my friend was married to “Working Dad-Version B” that I described at the beginning of this post.
She never received any help around the house. If she wasn’t chasing around her two kids, she was doing some other domestic activity – because if the house wasn’t completely spotless by the time hubby got home, she would get chewed out. 26 straight hours awake was too much for her, and her beautiful daughter paid the price for it. Many reasonable people understand that bringing home a paycheck (no matter how large) is not even close to doing “everything” for the family – as a matter of fact, money is just a small part of the family dynamic. My friend and other SAHMs all over the world have to deal with the pressure of keeping their kids safe and their husbands happy – and doing so with minimal rest. Memo to my friend (and I know you’re reading this): You are NOT a failure as a parent. If anything, you’re a role-model for women everywhere by filing for divorce and leaving that misogynistic scumbag as soon as he disrespected you.
I could literally write a column on the “pressure” thing alone, so I’ll stop now. I’ll end my point by saying if you screw up at your corporate job, at worst you’ll get fired. And guess what? If that happens, you’ll just find a new job. If a SAHM screws up at her job, it could result in death or horrific injury to her beloved children. She can’t go out and “just find a new kid.” Now that is pressure.
There’s my list.
If you’re a Daddy Doin’ Work who helps your wife/girlfriend with her household duties when you get home from work, that’s awesome. If you’re a man who used to roll your eyes at the thought of helping out your wife after a long day at the office, but now you see the error of your ways as a result of this post, then you’re bringing even more flavors of awesome to the table.
However, if you’re a man who thinks this whole post is a load of crap, then you seriously need to check yourself. Instead of coming home with a shitty attitude, why not come with some flowers to thank your lady for all of the work she does for you and your family? Don’t judge her if your house doesn’t look like the Sistine Chapel when you walk through the door, and don’t bitch and moan if a hot plate isn’t in front of you, either. The level of douchebaggery (my favorite non-word) of men like you is sickening. If you and your wife switched places for one day, you probably wouldn’t make it until 10:00 AM before you puked all over yourself.
Sorry for the ranting, but most of you know how emotional my story was about what being a dad means to me – so I get really upset with men who don’t take the job seriously.
Rewinding back to my personal upbringing, my mom eventually went back to work and she remembers the SAHM days as the toughest, but most rewarding of her life. Currently my older brother is a Harvard graduate and was recognized as one of the 100 most influential African-Americans in corporate America by Savoy Magazine, my twin brother is highly successful in corporate management, and there’s me – your friendly, neighborhood, Daddy Doin’ Work – and all of us are happily married with children. I spoke to my mom yesterday and told her that I was composing the post you’re reading right now and I asked if she had any advice for the SAHMs out there. She said, “Always remember that it gets better. SO much better. When you see your children grow up into amazing men or women, it makes all of the long days and nights totally worth it.”
Later on during that conversation with my mom, she also told me this:
“It’s pretty ironic that you’re creating this article on Stay-At-Home Moms. I never would’ve been a Stay-At-Home Mom unless that third baby was born – and since you’re the younger twin, that third baby was you. I’m so proud of you, honey. I think this is going to positively impact a lot of people. Pretty cool how the universe works, huh ‘Mr. Bonus Baby’?”
Pretty cool, indeed.
Ladies, I know the days are long, but please hang in there. Wear the SAHM badge proudly like Superman wears the “S” on his chest. When you sit there exasperated wondering if your kids are actually listening to you, or if this whole parenting thing is worth it, believe me – they are, and it is. Not a week goes by when I don’t thank my parents for the hard work and sacrifices they made for our family – and I tip my cap to all of you for doing the same for your loved ones.
Now go get some rest. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.
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This is AWESOME! As a SAHM, I cried and laughed while reading this. You’re an amazing writer, sir. Point #7 is my favorite.
I’m so happy to be on the “ground floor” of an up and coming blogger like you. LOVE you and your blog. Keep up the outstanding work!!
Thanks Alyshia! I never thought of my blogging as a corporation, but if it is, I’d love to have you as my PR Director
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Father’s Day
EPIC post! I have nothing else to say about this.
You have a gift, Daddy Doyin. I just hope more people get to witness it.
Keep spreading the word, Jen! “The more you share, the more peeps will care” is my motto. Thanks for the love
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Ten Things I Want My Daughter to Know
#4 the commute My youngest screamed and I mean screamed from the minute you put him in his carseat until the minute you took him out! I miscarried twins when my middle son was 3 and my oldest was 11. My oldest had just been diagnosed a few months prior with leukemia so I’m thinking someone was trying to to tell I didn’t need that right now. (He’s 36 now ) I only know a handful of guys like you. You and your dad are awesome. Great post!
karensdifferentcorners recently posted..“Spring into Summer”
That’s an amazing story! I can’t imagine how heart wrenching it must’ve been to lose your twins and have a child diagnosed with leukemia a few months prior. Dealing with that is the definition of toughness, if you ask me.
Also, I bet you know more than a handful of guys like me. We’re more common than you think
Daddy Doyin recently posted..The Definition of NOT Hot
I gotta admit, the title of your post kinda pissed me off because I’m in the working mom category, and I’ll go toe-to-toe with any SAHM who thinks she’s tougher than me.
HOWEVER, you won me over with your note in the beginning and incredible writing style. This is an amazing read and you’re just so damn likable (and cute). Love this blog entry, and I adore you!
HA! Mama Nicki, I don’t want you to kick anyone’s ass over the title of a blog post. HOWEVER, I’m glad that I won you over and that you gave me a chance.
Keep reading, there will be more entertaining posts in the immediate future!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Daddy Daughter Saturday
Awesome! I just subscribed to your blog for email updates.
Excellent post!
Gigi recently posted..Something that made me laugh….a lot
Love it! My husband and I have had various struggles over how the house work needs to be done and who should do it. He was raised with the mentality that women stay home, cook, clean, and take care of the kids, and I was raised where the dad helps once he gets home. I can’t wait to read the blog to him.
Tell him that he needs to man the hell up and help you out. I guarantee that you work harder during the course of the day than he does at his job. This post should help to set him straight
I just have to say thank you for writing this.
My ex-husband was a definite version B. I can’t even remember having a hot meal when we were together, because, on top of taking care of our then two year old (which I never did well enough for him), I had to make dinner by the time he got home, make her plate, make his plate, get him a drink, while he sat in front of the television watching a movie or playing a video game, which were usually not appropriate for children to even be in the room for. I also not only had him, but his mother, up my butt about having to have the house spotless. I was also cheated on multiple times and abused in almost every manner there was..
Anyway, I’m happy to say that my fiance is definitely a daddy doing work.
And again, thank you so much for writing this.
You’re very welcome, Nicole!
Other than the cheating and abuse, do you know what the worst part about that is? The fact that your former mother in-law didn’t support you. Doesn’t that break some sort of womanly code or something? Good riddance to her and her douchebag son.
When you get the chance, give your fiancé a fist bump for me for being a Daddy Doin’ Work. He’ll understand why.
I’m with a Working B… He thinks that he makes the money in the house so he doesn’t have to help out. BUT he’s not abusive in any way… I just wish he’d help out a bit.
Well at least he isn’t beating the crap out of you, so that’s a win. Have your man read this and let me know if he still has the same beliefs. Hopefully he’ll change his tune
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Father’s Day
I am SO thankful that I have a Daddy Type A in my house. You and other Dads like you should be commended for understanding what we mom’s go through. And I should point out, I’ve done the Stay at home mom gig, I’ve done the work at home mom gig, I’ve done the work outside the home with the kids in daycare gig… Staying at home and working at home is WAY harder.
Momma recently posted..11 Days… and COUNTING!
By “Daddy Type A” do you mean a “Daddy Doin’ Work”? If so, you should definitely be happy. Also, it’s good to see that you also believe SAHMs have a tough gig, because I can’t think of anything tougher. You go, Momma!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Why Stay-At-Home Moms Are Tougher Than You
Yep, that’s the type I meant. I was married to a type C a number of years ago and that was awful (luckily it was of the non-physical type), so I count myself lucky, even on his bad days
Momma recently posted..11 Days… and COUNTING!
Thanks for this since I am a ‘SAHM’. I feel sort of vindicated. I’m off to the bathroom now… with my 2-yr old twins in tow… Nice, huh?
You’re welcome, Jenn! Good luck with those twins. I’m sure Grandma Doin’ Work can give you some advice on how to handle that
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Deep Conversations With Wifey
I love this! I am very grateful that my husband is a Daddy Doin’ Work although he does not have a corporate job. He is a police officer. We have 3 yr old twins plus 2 teenagers and a 10 and 7 yr old. Being a SAHM is not easy for me – I’m busy from the min I wake to the min I go to bed. I was married to a working dad version B in my first marriage with whom I had the 4 older kids with but my wonderful husband took them on as his own we had twins together and I got double blessed with my step daughter. I was like a single mom in my first marriage, then became a single mom, now we are all a family working together.
Hi Kara! 3-year old twins and four additional kids? If anyone is the definition of a Mommy Doin’ Work, it’s you. I’m exhausted just reading this. Give your Daddy Doin’ Work a fist bump for me!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..The Definition of NOT Hot
Wonderful post! I have 3 kiddos, including my oldest who was born at 25 weeks and has multiple disabilities. Being a SAHM wasn’t a choice, it was simply I can’t afford to pay daycare costs. When my husband comes home and complains about how tired he is, I just say that I would gladly switch places with you. I always tell him, “At least your employees wipe their own ass and can talk about grown up topics instead of arguing on what to watch on netflix!” I will be bookmarking this post and hopefully he will read it! Subscribed and will share with my friends! Thanks again.
Susan recently posted..Summer Vacation Ideas
Thank you, Susan! It’s reactions like this that makes me happy to write every day. Thanks for spreading the word!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Father’s Day
I’m happy to report that after many years of living with Daddy Type A, my hubby is now a daddy doin’ work. It took a few weeks of living as a SAHD for him to realize that it’s not the gravy job most perceive it to be. There’s no pay, no sick days, and very little thanks for any parent who stays at home. I’m a working mom now, but I know the struggles of a SAHM all too well! Kudos to you DDW! I’m so glad Scary Mommy invited you to post there. That’s how a lot of our community found you! Keep it up!!
Awesome Jessica! Welcome to my page and thank you for your kind words! I love the fact that your hubby made the transformation into a DDW. Being a SAHM is such a thankless job and sometimes it takes a dude to experience it as a SAHD to truly get it.
I’m SO glad that Scary Mommy gave me the opportunity to post on her page too! My corner of cyberspace is considerably smaller than hers, so it’s cool that she thought enough about me to share my voice with her awesome community. I hope you keep reading!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Daddy Doin’ a TON of Work
I have stumbled upon you for the first time…. I have a few comments:
1.) Yes, THANK YOU! You GET it. It’s freaking HARD! I have three kids now in their teens. Their dad was a “daddy doing work” and one of the most engaged dads I know. But, he also travelled a lot for a job that supported us, so he would sometimes need to be gone for a week at a time. Working moms with daycare options often don’t know the “joys” of schlepping 3 kids under 6 to the gynocologist’s office *sigh*. I spent my 20s and 30s is a fog of fatigue. I also had a very sickly oldest child who required 9 major surgeries before his 10th birthday. With 2 more kids in the next 5 years, all I can say is, it was really, realy FUCKING hard. Without my husband as engaged as he was, it wouldn’t have worked.
2.) The stigma attached to being a SAHM is still there… often times, it is assumed that I am an idiot ( I have a Masters degree). People talk down to me because I am “just a mom”. ( so, I can relate to your other ‘feeback’.. different prejudice, but prejudice none the less!) Now, my kids are all in their teens ( 19, 16, 14) and yes, I’m still home. I did take a part-time professional job for a couple years, but ended up quitting about 2 years ago. The reason: my kids are turning into young adults. You want to talk about the “formative years”? Well, I can tell you, these years are tough for teens. I want to be here and I am grateful that I CAN be here for them. When child #2 comes home from school and tells me that a friend is suffereing abuse at home and has confided in her, she needs an adult to help her navigate those emotions. When the youngest is witness to bullying at school and wants reassurance that he did the right thing by sticking up for the victim, I am here. I’m not sure if they’d be so open 3 hours later after I came home from work frantically getting dinner ready. Again, it’s a choice and I am grateful for the chance to be here. I get all the housework done during the day— I can create a safe haven and a sactuary for my family… it’s needed. I want to turn out great human beings—so far, so good. It’s frustrating that my choice isn’t valued (and btw, isn’t that what womens’ lib was REALLY about? CHOICES? not just so that all woman can enter the work force?) My BF is a high powered attorney who often lets jabs slip about the fact that I’m not using my “talents and training. I disagree. I love my family. I love my kids. I’m around to also assist my aging parents. My life has purpose beyond profit margins and paystubs. What I do is invest in the future. It’s the MOST important job in the world. To hell with the haters. They just don’t get it. I respect their choices and expect nothing less in return.
3.) Dads who are “doing it right” need to celebrated and elevated. Way to go.. my hats off to you. In the end, all be ever take with us is the love and relationships that we form. In that regard, you are irreplaceable. In the corporate world, your seat won’t even get cold before the next guy/girl moves in. As a parent, you mean everything. You are irreplacable. You are and will always be their first love. I have had the benefit of studying in Kenya a few years back and they have a word, “Ubuntu” that has become me mantra. Loosely trandslated, it means. “I am because we are”. Every relationship makes me who I am … it makes my kids who they are. It’s the only thing that lasts…..ever… everything else is illusion.
Thanks for listening. Keep up the good work! I’ll be watching and reading.
This is beautiful, Lisa! Thank you for sharing your personal story. You are a perfect example of what I was referring to (educated SAHM who deal with the negative stigma attached to the job).
You’re right – the Daddies Doin’ Work out there have to be celebrated, because there are SO many of them out there. I hope you continue to hang out here and make yourself comfortable
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Daddy Daughter Saturday
Daddy Doyin this was an awesome blog, so I’m reading through all the comments and I come across Lisa. As a mother of three, I have often thought exactly the same about how important it would be to be at home with the kids when they are in their teens! You have hit the nail on the head there. My children are only 2, 5 and 8 so I’ve got a while to go but all I keep hearing is “it goes by so fast” and I’m sure it will.
I’ve returned to work within six months of giving birth to my first two and about 18 months after having number three. I lasted 5 months this time and have just “quit” to put the focus back on my family! That was the most stressful, crazy 5 months of my life so far. I have a husband that works in the coal mines in Queensland Australia so he is away 5 days then home for 4. He’s definitely a Daddy Doin and he does it so well when he’s home but that doesn’t mean we haven’t clashed in the past about “who works the hardest”. It’s definitely a different level and I don’t think I could do what he does but I don’t think he could do what I do either, not that I haven’t told him to ask his boss if we can job share
. When he is at home I don’t see the inside of the kids bathroom for three days and I definitely try my hardest to avoid packing school lunches (the bain of my existence – how long until holidays???). Again Lisa you made such a great point about being irreplacable as a parent, not so at work. They’ve already replaced me and I’m enjoying getting back into the swing things at home and having a clean house (ok, that bit hasn’t happened yet, these things take time). I know it’s not going to be easy and there was a reason I returned to work in the first place but I feel like I’ve got it out of my system and now “I know better”. But everybody does what is best for them and their families. I hope I am fortunate enough to not have to return to a paid job anytime too soon.
Thanks for your post DDW I’ll be sharing with my husband when he gets home and keeping an eye out for your posts!
Colleen
Love it
I am a sahm and luckily my husband is very understanding.. he works 12 hour days, 5 days a week most of the time and he still comes in and takes over our 10 month old son so I can just sit for a minute.. he never complains when the house is messy or if supper is late. I have lupus also and some days are rougher than others and if he comes in stepping over toys or we have to eat a frozen pizza he is perfectly fine with that. 
i found your blog through the guest blog you did over at I Want A Dumpster Baby and I look forward to future blogs 
Kristin – your husband is the definition of a Daddy Doin’ Work! Take a look at the “DDW Nation” tab of my blog. I just put it up there and I want the world to know about the other DDWs out there. So far nobody has taken me up on it, but I hope you will
I’m so glad that you’re here!
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I was a single mom for 7 years. I did not share custody with my daughter, she was with me 7 days a week. During that time I managed to get my bachelor’s degree by the time my daughter was 4, and then proceeded to work 2 jobs. One while she was in school and a freelance position at night when she finally went to sleep. Exhaustion is a term I never fully understood until I was responsible for another being. It takes all of you and the pressure felt on a daily basis to get it right – that never goes away. Now I’m a SAHM living with my finance -who has never had children- and he is steadily moving towards the Daddy Doin Work. In the beginning he was more like Version A, and I tried to feel like that was enough, but it wasn’t. It took me some time to realize that I wanted/needed more. It was difficult for me to not only tell him I wanted more but also to accept that I needed more. I still deal with that. After reading this I think I finally acknowledged just how much I did for all those years. I sent it to him, and told him to read it. Maybe it will help him understand a little more. Thanks, not only for writing this, but for acknowledging what so many of us, mom’s included sometimes…try to minimize.
Tina, as long as he’s not a Version B, then there is hope for him. Hopefully he reads this and understands how tough it is for women like you. Your job is NO joke!
You’re very welcome and it’s my pleasure to write for people like you!
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Great, great, great post! I’m so glad Katy featured you today. I’m going to go try to find sarcasm font to download now.
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Thanks you so much, Craftwhack! I feel so honored to post on Katy’s amazing blog. By the way, if you need me to send you over the sarcasm font, I’ll gladly do so
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Thanks for this. You’re a great writer. Funny, and fabulously observant. And obviously, a great Dad. Thanks for putting this out there and for making me not feel crazy for sometimes missing my job.
Thank you so much, Andrea! I just do the best I can and attempt to add value to my family and to all of you.
And no, you are NOT crazy. The people who think you don’t bust your ass everyday are the crazy ones
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Introducing the New All-American Girl
I have two girls age 4.5 and 1.5 and I call them Sweet&Spicy and Sweet&Salty. They are my joy, but a 24 hour handful and then some. I can’t phone it in. There are days when I really miss going to my desk and tuning out and doing busy work and googling when nobody is looking.
Wonderfully and thoughtfully written post Daddy Doyin! I found your blog via MTM over in Facebook, and boy am I glad I clicked on that link.
I’m a SAHM of two toddler boys, ages 3 and 2, and lucky enough to have a great “DDW” type husband. There are days when he seems about to veer towards Working Dad Type A, but he never stays there long. I guess it’s a matter of knowing when your spouse has had a not-so-good day, whether working at the office or at home, and giving each other time to relax and regroup.
I find it hard understand how other people can be so harsh when it comes to SAHM. I actually get more of the patronizing comments, some bordering on cruel, from female relatives. I lost a baby last year, and he/she would have been 7 months old now. I get comments about how lucky I am, or how the miscarriage turned out to be a blessing, or else I’d be taking care of two toddlers PLUS an infant. Some people seem to think I dodged a bullet by losing our baby. Believe me, I would have been glad to take that bullet, and learned to take care of 3 kids instead of 2.
Looking forward to reading more of your work!
Hi Jen! I’m glad that you clicked on that link too! MTM is wonderful and she will always have a place in my heart for giving me my first guest posting opportunity.
I feel ya. As I mentioned in my post, nobody on the planet has a job where perception and reality are more diametrically opposed than with SAHMs. You ladies work so hard that it’s ridiculous. Not sure if you read my “Father’s Day” post, but I shared how we endured a miscarriage too…it was gut wrenching.
Thank you for your support!
Daddy Doyin recently posted..Father’s Day
I really love this! Honestly, the huz wavers between DDW and type a. when he had the ‘office’ job it’s was an 8-6 gig. he’d complain some- until he was fired and unemployed for 2 years, and got a taste of being home all day. (not for lack of looking mind you) I still remember him saying that he missed being at work, that he was actually Less busy. Now, he works 10+ hour days in very blue collar jobs. Currently, it’s working in a Lobster Pound shuffling 116lb crates of lobster all day. I am sure not to ‘pounce’ on him the minute he walks in the door- but if the kids are still up (i’ve got 4) i let him tend to them. Cuz by then, i’m just about climbing walls and wanting a stiff drink
thanks for your awesome post! i really appreciate it. i’ve added your blog to my list of blogs to read.
*ps* My minions are 14, 9, 7, 3. 2 girls 2 boys in that order.
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Good stuff. I want to believe that my hubby is a DDW, but he’s somewhere in between a DDW and a Type A, but it isn’t because he’s douchey. He suffers from anxiety and depression, and after a 9 hour day in an office with no windows at a job he hates with a passion, I get it that he doesn’t want to come home and wash dishes and wipe poopy butts. It just gets difficult some days, trying to remember why he’s somewhat distracted, when 2 of the kids I am cleaning up after and taking care of are his spawn.
And I knew what I was getting into when I married him, so I’m not really complaining about having to care for his kids, but I kinda expect him to want to take over when he gets home, but he doesn’t do it as often as I’d like him to.
I like to believe that once he has his depression and other personal demons under control that he’ll be more involved when he comes home from work, and I can take breaks more often.
Thank goodness for summer break. His kids are with their mom for the summer, so I get a bit of a break.
Thanks for writing and for appreciating us SAHMs. My hubby was a SAHD for many years with his sons, too. So he does get it. He’s just dealing with a lot, so I try to be patient.
I’m hoping this coming school year will be different and better than the last two. We’ll see.
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You are 9 kinds of epic, sir. And I am BLESSED to have a DDW for a husband. I am a SAHM with “Irish Triplets”. A 4 yr old, a 3yr old (who is autistic), and a 2 yr old. Not only does my husband pitch in (and does it gladly), but we have a system where Friday nights are my night to relax and he lets me sleep in on Saturdays. (He also works anywhere between 40-50+ hours a week in an IT job). And in turn, he gets Saturday nights to himself and I let him sleep in on Sundays.
It SHOULD be a team effort. It took two people to create the child, it SHOULD take two people to RAISE the child. My husband and I are a TEAM and it is non negotiable.
I was cheering, crying, laughing, and cringing through this whole post. Thank you, sir, for not only being an awesome DDW, but one that actually sticks up for SAHMs everywhere. Keep on, keepin’ on, good sir. =)
buddy you pay attention!
I’m with a Daddy Doin’ Work… I adore. love. and appreciate. that. man. And, his kids think they have the best dad in the world… I believe them! I am GRATEFUL and I make sure he knows it and he is really awesome at letting me know as well. Of course, he has his moments…me on the other hand, I am perfect ~bahahaha out loud!
I found your blog after reading your post over at IWADB
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I really enjoyed this blog, mostly… what I did not like is when you wrote: “If you’re a Daddy Doin’ Work who helps your wife/girlfriend with her household duties when you get home from work, that’s awesome.” It’s not ‘her’ household duties, it’s theirs. The home is a shared responsibility. As you have pointed out, taking care of a child is a full time job/responsibility. That is why we pay others to do it while we work. Which means, other household duties belong to the entire family. They are not hers, they are theirs.
We’re picking nits about semantics now. I think we all know that I’m referring to the fact that the responsibilities are combined since that’s why I wrote this article in the first place. Thanks for reading
Reading this just made me cry. I’m obviously a SAHM of 3. 2 of which are 18 month old twins. It’s nice to see that some people especially a man sees how hard this job can be. It’s definitely the most rewarding but sometimes as a mother you second guess whether you can keep doing it. I just wish my husband would realize how hard my days can get. The worst thing that has ever been said to me was “well what are your duties as stay at home mom?” this was said to me as I cooked his favorite dinner, got home from a work out, a shower with all 3 kids, then asked for help getting them out. All I asked was why he couldn’t just wipe up the cheetoes left all over the table (which was clear that’s how he kept them busy while I was at the gym)! It was 2 weeks ago and it still really hurts my feelings.
I just have to say that I have been a working mom and a stay at home mom. For me, Staying at home has been the hardest job. With work you do get those little breaks and lunch breaks, social interaction and commuting time that is a great mental break. At home, well it’s 20+ hours of work with no adult interaction what so ever. I am the constant talker when my husband returns home. I just can’t wait to communicate but sometimes he’s exhausted and isn’t much for talking. We used to have switched roles and he was the talker. lol…. it’s weird to be on the other side of the fence now! Thanks for the appreciation post;) Love the blog!
I am so glad that you wrote this… My husband goes between type A and B.. I have found myself super depressed at times.. When i read this i sobbed and thought ” a man finally knows what women go through!” I am sure you have had women post this before but i am saying it with a heartful of love THANK YOU!!!
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I was recently introduced to your blog by YKIHAYHT, and I have to say I love you more and more as I read more old posts. I am a SAHM. Yesterday was the perfect example of what a SAHM has to deal with. It was the first day of school for my 8th grader, and 6th grader at a brand new public school. (they were in catholic up until now) and the 6th grader forgot her new mouthpiece for the tuba she is about to start playing. And the 8th grader forgot his schedule, which has his locker combo on it. So I made two trips to school complete with the three year old in tow. Only to come home to a I.M. from the hubs that his car reaked of gas all the way to work, and would I please come down to the office for lunch and see if I thought it was safe to drive. No it was not safe to drive and so I handled AAA guy (who treated me like I’m a car idiot) while he drug it out of it’s space by chains. (when I could have pushed it out of it’s space myself…) And got the hubs home to work remote while I ran to the sporting goods store to replace my 8th graders lost football kneepad, run it up to school at the end of the day with gatoraid, and pick up the 6th grader, go home, make a chicken pot pie, and then run back and pick up the 8th grader and several of his friends who needed rides home. Then go pick up the car from Firestone after they replaced the fuel filter because it had a pin hole in it…Then as everyone else is playing minecraft (computer game we all play together as a family) I am catching up on the laundry and dishes I did not have time to do during the day. My hubby says to me, are you ever going to sit down and play with us? I gave him the look. I will admit it. I am guilty. But, I was like are you kidding me? He recovered nicely though. He said, do I have clothes to wear to work tomorrow, and I replied yes. He said do we have clean dishes to eat breakfast with in the morning, and I said, yes. And he said, then the rest can wait. Come and play for a little bit. The kids have to get ready for bed in like 40 min. It makes me proud to be a SAHM. I love my family.
This post brought me to tears..Not sad sappy Tears, But the kind of tears that say someone out there just simply understands and gets it and it is really nice to hear it from someone of the Opposite sex… I am a SAHSM (Stay at home single mom) to 4 amazing children (With 1 Being Disabled) Thank you so much for the post…I know i am reading it really late but, it helped me today!! It made me cry and smile all at the same time
i love, love love this. All i wanna know is whats your take on a dad whos not just a office man, one whos a construction worker who works in all weather n comes home covered in mud, dirt, and even wet? Cause when my man reads this, all hes gonna say is how this has nothin to do w him and office work doesnt compare to construction lol.
I have issues w him bitchin me out for not gettin every little thing done every day. And we just had a baby seven weeks ago and we also have a 2 yr old and 7 yr old. I dont recall gettin more than four hours of sleep at one time in months.
Anyway thanks for writing this, im printing it!
First, let me say that I love, love, LOVE your blog, you are an awesome, amazing human being and I so appreciate your sharing that awesomeness with the world.
But this was a hard one for me to read. All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM, to have the kind of life that Susan C. described a couple comments above. But my ex was the worst kind of WDB – the kind that not only expected me to do all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, but work a full time job along with it. He would not have me “sitting on my lazy ass” all day. When I came home from work, I was expected to cook, clean, help our daughter with her homework, do everything that needed to be done that was “house” or “kid” related, including get up at night when a baby or toddler needed attention. His sole function after work was to watch TV or putter with his hobbies. And for 11 years I did it all, because I was terrified that if I didn’t, he’d leave me. And not only was his mother not supportive of me (she was a SAHM all her life), she agreed with him – housework and taking care of kids is “womens’ work,” no matter the situation! After our second child was born, I struggled with all my might to stay home as long as possible and not have to dump the baby in day care. Two years later, he left me. His parting words were, “Now you’ll HAVE to get your lazy ass out and get a job!”
I hope your statistic is correct, that 65% are DDWs, 30% WDAs and only 5% WDBs, obviously this was not my experience. But all my whining having been said, God bless you and however many DDWs there are for truly valuing your wife and children!
Thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. Sahm of two (so far)
Wow! I am a SAHM with a 9yo stepson, my 8yo son and one on the way. My fiance is mostly a DDW though at times can resemble a working dad type A. (without the resentment) He works a warehouse job and it is very physical. He doesn’t really help with the dinner and whatnot during the week but he does help with the boys. (which is ok cuz I’m the better cook. lol!) He gives me a break from having to play constant referee and on the weekends he helps with the household chores so I can catch a break. I can forgive him for giving less help m-f cuz he does his best to make up for it in the end and without complaint. He’s actually “ordered” me to lay down and relax, read, or take a nap! I feel very lucky to have found him. And at least I get some me time when he’s at work and the boys are at school. J/K sorta…. Lol! I better enjoy the me time now cuz in a couple months it with be taken over by the demands of a newborn. Thank you so much for your posts. I’m obviously new here and catching up. This made me feel good.
i just read this blog today and can I say I run a small family daycare so that makes me a working SAHM and it is very hard I am on the go from 7 am to 9 pm maybe nap time I’ll get a break if all the kids sleep at the same time, sometimes I’ll take that rest time to read a book more often than not I’m planning curriculum or writing the parents notes about their child’s day. So a rest is few and far between. I’m fortunate to have a ddw sometimes I wish he helped a little more :/ but am grateful for his help. I enjoyed this blog as well ad the new one mdw which led me to this one. Thank you for all your amazing words.
I realize that this is an older post, but I just had the opportunity to read it this morning & it really hit home for me. I only very recently made the transition from Working Mom (yes, i read that post too-all very true!) to SAHM & I can honestly say that most people don’t get it. Rewind 6 months, I myself had no idea that Stay at Home Mommyhood would be even more challenging than my 8 to 5. Thank you for your refreshing insight on both of these super tough gigs, for reminding me that I am not alone in my frustrations, & for making me appreciate the amazing DDW I am fortunate enough to call my husband even more than I already did. Thank you for reminding all the other hard working Mommies out there that they all deserve to have a DDW in their lives-even if they’ve already given up hope that there is such a thing out there. Ladies, they do exist! Thank you also for being a DDW yourself. You rock!
Thank you so much!! This post was just the pep talk that I needed. Your posts always make me smile and they always hit home with me. Especially this one. It’s not very often that I come across someone who gets what it means to be a SAHM. Thank you for “getting it”!! You are the best!!
I actually sat down and read this with my husband. I loved it. He, however, didn’t. He thought it focused more on big wigs and not men like him (lower class). He helps out with the kids and stuff, and said that he already admired me and thought all of this; but he thought this sounded really feminist and it bashed men too much… I don’t know. I loved it, though. Keep writin em!!
OMG THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE ON PLANET.
I spent 10 years being “corporate” in a high stress career, media, I thought that was stress.
Being a nonstop mom to two wild toddler boys is the FRIGGING HARDEST JOB ON THE PLANET!?!!
NO PAYCHECK, no appreciation, NO coffee breaks or corporate meetings at nice city restaurants nor ADULT CONVERSATION??? I used to talk to 50 adult a day in my field. I chose to stay “home” and raise Gods ultimate gift, my two sons….OMG I am so stressed out I am going to lose it. And husband and partner of 11 years had zero empathy, kept “stressful” city job…. Left me with colic babies, I’ve not slept for five years, eat standing up, totally isolated, content tantrums and dealing with insane explanations to babies and have a masters degree…. I WANT AND Believe it is vastly important for a parent that BIRTHS a person to be there ESP in tender years to raise them, as it has been for 1000000 years. Today’s society gives us no RESPECT, and now I’ve learned no value to marriage as after huge wedding and serious vows and dating for 5 years, “stressed husband” LEFT us so now I’m a SINGLE more alone with no respect no breaks, he’s off traveling and doing everything and folding and corporate ladder top and I shower like once a week, omg i could go on for hour but I have two screaming toddlers right now who will sleep for a few hours as I clean Uo 19999 messes and collapse for 17 min then sleep and domit all over again. THERE IS NO RESPECT LEFT ON THIS PLANET for raising the children you birth, and everyone lives so far apart in these huge houses there is no “village” or community, just a lonely existence and chronic gulit, and OMG sick days,.,. !?!? Husband can get flu and lie in basement alone for 3 days, but no sick days for mommy, I’m running to toilet to puke then getting dinner on table they throw on floor… Not to mention the horrible labor leaving massive surgical repair and ripped spine and holding 40 lbs all day…when I’m not supposed tom lift 5 lbs!?! You MUST be joking?!? I want to join a commune of people all in same situation to work together… And no accrediTion via paycheck or bonus or raise or better office, just more madness and each month less help my diminishing narcisstic husband who finally left us after I had to have massive surgery and had to have “help” for a few weeks. ONE YEAR LATER, MASSIVE SCAR TISSUE, 6 hour surgery, I’m still in horrible pain, but no workmens comp or caring, just do your job with no benefits or HR or IT or water cooler discussion, I don’t even know what sport season is anymore!?! I used to interview Senators!?! GIVE FULL TIME MOMS (we do not friggin stay at home, some idiot came Up with that wordage) respect and help and understand they are working 24 hours a day with zero adult appreciation for the benefit of children in the hopes it will make a difference…..I pray it will…and now thanks to all the stress my clueless husband had no help in giving, I’m the only single mother I know of 500 Facebook friends from work all over world and college and grad school. Not like I’ve been ON Facebook in about 8 months. Holy cow, I need adult time, I need a “work lunch” and a “nighttime lobbying event” with appetizers from best restaurant in city tALKING TO ADULT COLLEGUES ABOUT THE WORLD TO BE my “STRESSFUL DAY…” I’d love and hour commute in the car, alone!?! My prized husband complained about his 35 min one like it was a torture chamber. Even took him 10 months with newborn in the city walking groceries up flights of stairs with no parking and baby strapped on my back and muggings on way to gym to get a small move to a home?!?
I think your work is great . Did not think there was any one out there that had the same out look . I try telling other men that how would you feel if you had to eat sleep and shit your work 24 hours a day 7 days a week and 365 days a year.most of the time i get the point across. I have total respect for my wife . The ironic thing is that i have a twin sister and they did not see me till a month before LOL good luck with the post and I will be looking forward to hearing more . ps fist bump
Hi DDW. I am a SAHM not by choice (because I am disabled at the moment) I have a degree in medical science and have worked 16 yrs of my life. I live with my mom, step dad, younger sister 21, and older sister 34, and my daughter 14 and my son 8. I am the only one who doesn’t work or go to school. My family believes that I am in charge of everything, from making dinner cleaning the house and doing laundry. Mind you my mother is the bread winner and feels she doesn’t have to clean up after herself and doesn’t even have to do her own laundry. I have no problem cleaning up after my children or doing our laundry or anything mom related. I love being a mom. I am just exhausted doing everything else just to keep a roof over mine and my kids head while going through extreme lower back pain and living with fibromyalgia and Possibly RA. (Waiting for blood test results. Then I have both my sisters going on about how lazy I am and how worthles
am trying so hard to get better and to get backon my feet. It’s just emotionally challenging to go through so much mental abuse. My oldest sistersnick-name for me is that I am her Lazy House Wife . She says it in front of everyone even strangers. So I guess what my post is saying is that Does anyone have any advice for me on how to cope in this type of situation. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you
I’m a sahm blessed to be married to my own ddw.
This post is spot-on, but there are perks to being a sahm: we don’t miss anything! I get to witness every light bulb moment, every milestone, every adorable/hilarious thing my 3 little monkeys do. I also have the reassurance that if they are having an off day and need some mama love, I am right here. It’s hard work, but I really wouldn’t have it any other way!
I LOVE this! And I think I love you! Haha! I’m a very lucky woman and my husband is definitely a DDW. He’s amazing and helps out the second he gets home from work, without even being asked… I think its awesome that you’re setting the bar for the Type A dad’s to do better and help more. And even more amazing that you’re encouraging the wives of the Type B dad’s to not put with that sh*t! It’s big blogs like yours that have so much potential to change the lives of people! You have a wonderful gift and God bless you for sharing it with other people!
Well put together my man! entertaining and sadly to say true with some guys. Can’t believe that some guys still think it’s the 1950′s!
My husband didn’t get it till HE was the stay-at-home parent. The first few weeks, things were as he would want me to have them (and had complained that I hadn’t achieved). By week 3, it began to devolve and by week 5, I came home to the same stuff he’d been coming home to when he worked. He gets it now. He still calls me on my slackerdom when merited, but he’s much kinder about it, and waaaaaay more willing to help. Plus we have 2 almost-grown boys capable of doing some of the “man” jobs around here. Don’t worry, the 2 girls will eventually learn how to mow the yard too.
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I am in tears reading this. I don’t know how to thank you for putting this all into words. Wow, you really DO get it! I felt so validated and encouraged reading this! I think I have actually turned my husband INTO a type B, because in addition to everything else I do, I feel like I owe him the honor of being able to come home, sit down, watch TV, etc. I think I got emotional reading this because it finally just sank in that I need someone to honor me like that, too. Thank you so much for this.
Thanks for the post. I was a “corporate” career focused wife until we had our daughter. I had always told my husband that I would be able to do “the cooking, cleaning,etc.” if I could stay home when we had a child. I am home, and have felt pretty inept-laundry, cleaning and cooking are not done like they should be (or how I envisioned it)… It is TOUGH! For me, it’s the lack of sleep. My heart goes out to your friend with the coffee; I wonder how many bad things could be avoided by decent sleep. I had told my husband he would not have to wake up at night (“since he had to go to work the next day”)… When I was too sick/tired from 2 years of no sleep to be “intimate”, he finally got it. He started helping at nights, and it has made a big difference in (both) our happiness! I am glad I picked a good man, I see where children test the boundaries a marriages!
I am a stay-at-home Mom for three crazy boys under the age of five. This morning, my boyfriend and I got into a fairly heated argument about how “he does everything because he works” and “I pay the bills, I deserve a little respect.” The entire argument ensued when my three year old came into our bedroom this morning and wanted to watch cartoons at 7:30am. (Pretty typical time to be up for a three-year-old!) I understand he was “tired” but there is no way he was more tired that I was. He got 8 hours of sleep while I only got 4 hours. All three boys were up in the night and I got up with all three of them. I cook, I clean, I do mounds of laundry everyday, and I go to school full-time trying to earn my Bachelors degree in Psychology. As far as I’m concerned, no one works harder than the other person, but clearly, I am the only one who feels that way in this house. This is not the first time this argument has taken place. I feel completely unappreciated and disrespected. So, on my quest to find some sort of solace in my job as a stay-at-home Mom, I took the the Internet and found this post. As I read through everything that was said, I completely broke down. Thank you so much for posting what I have been trying to convey for years. It feels great to know I am not the only one who feels so hurt by the working Dad. Thanks again. Any tips on getting my man to understand would be greatly appreciated!
i have to suggest one amendment to the post: the fact that the example is a ‘corporate’ daddy. my partner works a physical labor job and regards this post as irrelevant to him because of the qualifier ‘corporate’ work. mind you, while pregnant and for the first year and a half with my first child, i also worked physical labor job in a warehouse full time while also going to skool part time. (during this time he lost 2 jobs for inability to control his alcoholism) now, with two children (2 1/2 months and 2 1/2 years) i work and go to skool both p/t while my partner works full time plus saturdays. in all fairness, i took the fall semester off to tend to my new addition. my partner falls somewhere between version A and B, constantly telling me how tired he is and how hard he works. yesterday was his one day per week off…he LITERALLY spent 13hrs in front of the television. since he out of bed an hour earlier than me to change the older one’s diaper (potty training in progress) he thinks he is a saint. oh, my bad, he got him some juice and cheerios too. meanwhile, during that hour i was already up, nursing the baby and trying to get some rest to no avail. i get up and proceed to clean the house, dishes, floors, laundry, sorting hand-me-downs, sanitizing baby stuff and door handles and anything else i can wipe down as the older one has a cold. i have not had a decent night’s sleep in over 2 yrs!!!!!!!!!!! (can u tell i am a tad frustrated?!) i literally work circles around him and he looks at me like i grew a second head when i ask why the 2yr old is not in bed at 9pm. (he prides himself in his job to read to our two year old before bedtime tho he often usues this time to rant on topics inappropriate to discuss with a two year old…what toddler needs to hear (at anytime much less before bed) what to do if daddy doesn’t wake up?!) ugh! i loooove my children and am so happy to be able to spend so much time with them but just wish i had a little time to myself. writing this is my time off (both are asleep…amazing!!) and as soon as they are up i have to drag them into the cold to run errands. to reiterate my point before i started my rant, i feel this post should drop the ‘corporate’ qualifier because blue collar dads think that they are the exception and are not bound to responsibilities of raising children and keeping house because they ‘work hard’. i work hard to maintain this messy house….just imagine if i spent 13 hrs on the couch yesterday too!!
I love this!! I have laughed/cried thru this post!! Thank you for putting it out there!
Thank you for your awesome post and acknowledgement to us sahm!!! I applaud you!!