America’s biggest sports day of the year is almost upon us, and yes, I’m talking about the Super Bowl pitting the New England Patriots against the Atlanta Falcons. When it comes to the game, most of you fall into one of three categories:
1) You love football and will be watching the game no matter what, and yes — I’m firmly planted in this category.
2) You tolerate football, but you mostly care about hanging out with friends, eating food, and watching the commercials.
3) You despise football and you will not watch the game under any circumstances.
For those of you in categories #1 & 2, you may decide to host a Super Bowl party and watch the game with friends and family members. If so, I hope these eight parents aren’t at your gathering. More importantly, I hope you’re not one of these eight parents. Oh, and if you happen to be in category #3, don’t worry— I have something for you too.
Without further ado, here are the nine parents you don’t want at your Super Bowl party.
#1: “I’m Too Good For This” Parents: They’ll sit in the corner and mumble to themselves and anyone who will listen about how they would never let their sons play such a barbaric sport, and complain about how juvenile people must be who cheer for a bunch of strangers in tight pants. Between their audible sighs, eye-rolling, and checking in with the babysitter every ten minutes via phone, most guests want to show their uptight asses to the door. Editor’s Note: Another variation of these parents are “I’m Too Smart For This” Parents. If Edgar Allan Poe is the first person they mention when “The Ravens” are brought up in conversation, you can be pretty sure that you’re in for a long night.
#2: “I Have A Gambling Problem” Parents: I’m sure a lot of us put a little “sumthin’ sumthin'” on the game for fun, but these folks take it a little too far. They’re the parents who put some of Little Suzy’s college fund at risk in hopes that the country singer dude with two first names keeps his rendition of the National Anthem under 2 minutes and 9 seconds (yes, there is an actual bet for this). Needless to say, the Department of Homeland Security will need to be called due to the amount of F-Bombs dropped whenever they win or lose a wager (“Fuck yeah!!” or “FUCK!”). If these parents come to your party, be sure to have your spare bedroom ready, because they could be homeless before the night’s over.
#3: “I Have No Idea What’s Going On” Parents: Parenting is hard…really hard. It’s so hard, that a lot of parents don’t have time to do the things that they loved to do prior to chasing their children around (going to the movies, eating at nice restaurants, going to the gym, etc.). Yes, you guessed it — following sports is one of those things. Trust me, I understand how difficult it is to sit down and watch three hours of football on a Sunday afternoon when your toddler daughter demands to keep the television locked on Disney Jr. That said, nobody wants to deal with people who show up to the party asking a bunch of rudimentary questions. Take your ass to Google and figure out the details about the game (storylines, the teams involved, the main players, etc). Everyone else at the party at least knows something about the matchup and the last thing any of them want to do is be your personal tutor when the game starts.
#4: Food Snob Parents: If your Super Bowl party doesn’t have any fat-free, sugar-free, GMO-free, gluten-free, plant-based snacks, Food Snob Parents aren’t going to let you hear the end of it. They will complain about how chips, salsa, and soda are the main reasons for childhood obesity, and every parent who eats these devilish foods are setting horrible examples for the kids of America. Meanwhile, they’ll munch on a quinoa snack bar that tastes about as good as an oak tree crapping in your mouth, all while making you feel guilty for taking multiple slices of pizza to your throat. Memo to Food Snobs: This is the damn Super Bowl! It’s like Thanksgiving in February. Eating shitty food is part of what this day is all about, so if you have a problem with it – keep stuffing your mouth with your kale chips so we don’t have to hear you talk.
#5: “My Son Will Play Pro Football” Parents: Did you know that their son Little Johnny scored three touchdowns during his Pee-Wee football game last Fall? Of course you know, because these parents told you at least 11 times in the past hour. Forget Lady Gaga, during halftime they’ll ask everyone to gather around the TV to watch the kid’s highlight DVD. No offense to Little Johnny, because I’m sure he’s a very nice boy with a lot of talent – but nobody at the party gives a damn about his football prowess right now. Everyone wants to watch grown-ass men battle for the biggest prize in American sports, and hearing them brag about how their kid will become the next Tom Brady or Matt Ryan is extremely annoying when the real Tom Brady and Matt Ryan are on the field. Stop that shit.
#6: “Time To Take a Nap” Parents: These parents will hire a babysitter so they can go to your party, and five minutes after they arrive they’ll be passed out asleep on your bed. They don’t give a damn about the game and they don’t give a damn about socializing, all they want is three uninterrupted hours of shuteye and your party serves as the best possible facilitator of this goal. Other than the fact that you’ll need a court order to remove them from your bed, I can’t really say a bad thing about these guys. As a parent, I get it.
#7: “I’m Going To Let My Kids Run Wild” Parent: You better believe that the parents with the craziest kids will be the ones who’ll bring their kids to your party. Why? Because nobody on the planet has the patience or the balls to babysit them for three hours, that’s why. Little Suzy will bring her crayons and run them across your walls, Little Johnny will channel his inner Jay Cutler and throw footballs at everything except for his intended targets, and there will be utter chaos in your home. Will these parents offer any discipline? Hell no. They’re too busy getting drunk off of your beer…and besides, it’s not their house, so what do they care?
#8: Inappropriate Comments Parents: These parents are actually quite amusing. As we all know, large corporations salivate at the opportunity to spend millions of dollars on 30-second commercials during the Super Bowl. In doing so, they also use some of the most attractive people on the planet to push their products to the masses. These parents don’t get out much without the kids, so whenever they do — they usually get their drink on. When the alcohol starts flowing freely, so will the inappropriate comments.
Husband: “Wow, check out the rack on that chick!”
Wife: “I’d have no problems if that guy wanted to play a game of ‘Hide The Salami’ with me. He’s hot!”
Within minutes, the offended individual will pull his/her spouse aside for a “private conversation” that everyone in the party will hear, and said private conversation will instantly become more interesting than anything going on in the game. Tears will be shed, names will be called, someone will be blamed as the reason why their kids are so messed up, and someone will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. You better believe that they’ll make an appearance at your party…they always do.
There’s my list.
Oh, and for those of you in Category #3 (you despise football and you will not watch the game under any circumstances), Super Bowl Sunday should be your favorite day on the calendar.
Feel like shopping? The malls will be empty and you’ll find parking right near the front.
Wanna watch a movie? Nobody will be in the theaters. Hell, you can bring your rambunctious children with you and nobody will care.
The Super Bowl is a day when everyone can be happy…as long as you’re surrounded by the right people.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to determine how much money I’m going to put down for the coin toss landing on Tails.