Today an election will take place to determine who will lead a group of individuals for the foreseeable future. I don’t take my decision lightly. My vote is a powerful one that will impact and shape my family’s lives for years to come. Oh wait, you think I’m talking about President Obama, Governor Romney, or any other politician? Please. This is completely different.
I’ve decided that I’m going to hold an election for a President of Stuffed Animals (POSA) in my household. Yes, you read that correctly.
I’m doing it for the same reason anyone does anything. Because I can. Let me be clear, stuffed animals are a big deal in this household. Little DDW has about 30 of them. They need direction, they need inspiration, they need leadership, they need…a POSA. This is not something that I just thought of overnight, either. Once I announced to the stuffed animals that this would happen, we held preliminary elections to determine the three finalists. After months of campaigning, here are the three POSA finalists.
FINALIST #1 – Weird Bird Thingy (WBT):
Argument For: He’s a strong-willed dude who marches to the beat of his own drummer and never follows the crowd. Do you think he’ll be easily swayed by others when it comes to leading the other stuffed animals in my house? Hell no. WBT has a ton of self-confidence, and that’s an important quality to have in our household.
Argument Against: I’m a little wary about voting for anyone who thinks it’s OK to run for office rocking this type of gear. He’s wearing a striped one-piece male bathing suit, a rubber ducky inner tube, goggles, and he has a fish in his front pocket. Would you trust your home security codes to someone like this?
FINALIST #2 – Happy Puppy:
Argument For: How can you not like this guy? He’s cute, lovable, sings great songs, and is running on a platform of educating the masses through music. Honestly, if you have a problem with “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider,” you have a problem with yourself.
Argument Against: In recent weeks, the media released some shocking information about Happy Puppy – and according to some sources, he’s not nearly as cute and innocent as some may think. Other stuffed animals complained that he’d sneak into their room in the middle of the night and say, “I SEE YOU!” or “YOU’RE MY FRIEND!” There’s something that’s not trustworthy about someone who would use such underhanded campaign tactics. Not to mention, that shit is creepy.
FINALIST #3 – Princess Hello Kitty:
Argument For: She’s the overwhelming favorite to win the first ever POSA election due to name recognition alone. She’s beautiful, smart, extremely wealthy, and she speaks from the heart (which explains why she doesn’t have a mouth). Not to mention, she’s the only candidate in the field with leadership experience…I’m mean, she’s a Princess after all. Leading a group of stuffed animals should be a piece of cake for her.
Argument Against: Depending on who you ask, she’s an insufferable diva. She demanded that I hire a professional photographer just to take the picture you’re looking at right now. Rumor has it that the only reason why she wants to be POSA is so she can become a regular contributor to my blog (or to kill me in my sleep and take over my blog for good). Editor’s Note: It would be a bad thing if Princess Hello Kitty took over my blog, right? Wait, don’t answer that.
A few weeks ago, we gathered the candidates together and held the one and only debate during the campaign. Dora The Explorer was kind enough to moderate the event, but it ended up being a total waste of time due to Swiper swiping the list of questions she was supposed to ask. Instead, she spent 90 minutes asking silly softball questions like what color the candidates preferred between verde and azul.
Since none of that shit is going to help me decide who to vote for during this important election, I decided to take action on my own.
You guessed it. I hired a Private Investigator to dig up some dirt on all three candidates. The results were eye-opening to say the least.
First off, is WBT. The guy claims to be happily married, but my Private Investigator took this shot of him canoodling next to a young blonde. And no – that young blonde is not his wife. The unnamed lady noticed that she was getting photographed and tried to put her right hand up as if to say, “NO PICTURES!” but to no avail. What happened to family values? Does anyone believe in that anymore? When asked about it, WBT just said, “Water is wet…and I like water.” To this day, I have no effing clue what he meant by that statement, and quite frankly, I don’t want to know.
Anyone check the weather report lately? Well, you don’t need to when Happy Puppy is at the club. This dude is all about making it rain non-stop. The worst part is that the Private Investigator caught him using taxpayer money (a.k.a. the Family Doin’ Work’s hard earned money) on strippers and booze. I’m not OK with this. I’m also not OK with him wearing sunglasses indoors like a douchebag. Stop that shit.
Last, but definitely not least is Princess Hello Kitty. She’s a card carrying member of the 1% club and has more money than everyone in the Doin’ Work household combined. After following her around for a few days, the Private Investigator caught her meeting with Elmo – another extremely wealthy member of the 1% club. What did they talk about? Elmo says that he was just giving her tips on how to become the most popular toy on the planet (something he knows a lot about), but others are saying that he’s just a rich scumbag who keeps feeding the Princess shady tips to buy the election. At this point, I don’t know what to believe.
This is what I have to choose from.
There are no “Write-In” candidates. You must pick one of these three.
Who would you choose from this list? Make your voices heard. The majority determines the winner.
Editor’s Note: Please save the Obama/Romney talk for someone else. Since I moderate comments, any opinions about the presidential election will not see the light of day on my blog. Carry on.