As most of you know, I travelled from California to my home state of Massachusetts this past weekend for the memorial service of my childhood friend who passed away due to cancer on November 27th. Although only 10% of my readers know Wade personally, it doesn’t change the fact that he can teach all of us a few things about how to live our best lives.
LESSON #1 – Smile often. If someone asked me what the first thing is that I think about when I hear Wade’s name, it would be his infectious smile. The dude was always smiling. If you spent time with him, you’d probably think that he never endured a bad day in his life. He smiled around friends, family members, strangers, and even people he was destroying on the basketball courts of Western Massachusetts. I gotta admit, I haven’t been smiling much since my friend passed away. I became pissed when I thought about how the universe could be so cruel to take the life of one of the nicest and devoted family men you’d ever come across.
Then at the memorial service, it hit me.
I know this comes straight out of the book of cliches, but Wade would not want me to be angry. If he saw me moping around, he’d put his arm around me and say, “Come on, man. It’s OK. I’m in a good place now. I need you to be too.” And when I wiped away my tears and looked up at him, I know he would be smiling.
To all of you, please take the time to smile more. Smile at your kids, your spouse, your friends, your coworkers, your mailman, even strangers.
I know what some of you are thinking: “I don’t smile at strangers because (insert lame excuse here).” Fine. Just know that there were people at Wade’s memorial service who did not know him very well, but came to pay their respects primarily due to seeing his smile. As a correctional officer at a prison, hardened inmates respected Wade and were saddened by his passing.
Let that marinate for a minute.
Even while he was fighting cancer, Wade always flashed that million dollar smile.
A smile can positively impact the lives of others and it takes ridiculously minimal effort.
As Wade battled with cancer, he still smiled for everyone he came across, even when it became difficult for him to do so.
He impacted countless people with his smile (including you, I bet).
How many people will you positively impact with yours?
LESSON #2 – Don’t sweat the small stuff. I’ve mentioned this a million times, and I’ll keep banging the drum here like Little DDW bangs her Fisher-Price Bongos. Do you want to know why Wade smiled so much? Because the guy refused to wallow in the mud of meaningless shit. Take a moment to think about some of the meaningless shit you may have given attention to recently:
- Little Johnny ran a crayon across your wall
- The sink is clogged and you needed to call a plumber
- Your coworkers didn’t invite you out to lunch with them last week
- You’re busting your ass to write a blog, but nobody reads it
- Your favorite sports team is on a three game losing streak
- The lady at your favorite deli put relish on your sandwich, when you clearly stated that you didn’t want it
- You’re the administrator of a Facebook group and you had a bunch of people “unlike” your page
- You got a flat tire yesterday
- You got wasted at the yearly Holiday Party and made a fool out of yourself
- Your boss yelled at you
You know what all of these things have in common? In six months from now, none of the aforementioned will matter.
Sound familiar? Wade practiced and mastered the Six Month Rule, and that’s a major reason why he led such a happy life. If you’re late to the DDW party, you’ll find the Six Month Rule described in detail here.
Since I’m a guy who openly battled depression in the past (and still do at times today), I had times when I’d become upset by the small stuff. Wade was a guy who brushed off the small stuff as if it was a mosquito and kept moving forward. I will always respect him for that.
So as I’ve said before, when you see yourself getting pissed off over something, take a step back and ask yourself, “Does this really matter?” If you determine that the answer is “no,” then you need to do whatever it takes to get over that shit. Quickly.
This doesn’t mean that Wade wasn’t a passionate guy, because he absolutely was. As a matter of fact, his passion leads me to my next point.
LESSON #3 – Go Hard: On the cover of the memorial program, there was a quote from Wade that read, “We love hard, we fight hard, but all that matters in the end is that we love each other.”
Quoted for truth.
Let me break this down: Wade and Kim (his wife) had some epic arguments during their 16 year marriage. Hell, I witnessed a few of them in person, and they were not pretty.
And you know what? That’s awesome.
I feel the need to chuckle whenever I see couples who boast, “Oh, we never argue!” Anyone who says that probably is lacking in the passion and conviction departments – or they choose to suffer in silence. If you believe strongly in many things, there’s a good chance that you’re going to disagree with your spouse when it comes to them. That’s OK. Embrace it and understand that it is all a part of the evolution process.
On the flip side, Wade and Kim loved passionately too. They travelled together, they danced together, they played together, they hugged and kissed each other constantly, they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, and they were are completely in love.
Are you in a relationship where you take care of the kids, put them to bed, and then you surf Facebook while your spouse watches TV and no words are exchanged? Do you turn on your computer more often than you turn on your spouse or vice versa?
If so, pump the brakes because you will end up at the point of no return. Do whatever it takes to save your relationship or get out. Period. Being comfortable is the mortal enemy of healthy and happy relationships. The way Kim and Wade demonstrated love is the way love should be demonstrated: passionately.
Wade’s daughter Kaley meant the world to him.
LESSON 4 – Be a good role model. Wade and Kim have a lovely and smart daughter named Kaley. Since I live in California now, I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing her become the beautiful young lady she is today. It made me become emotional because I remember the old days when Kim would bring Kaley to the park in a stroller while we played basketball. Between games, Wade would run over to Kim and Kaley to give them kisses and tell them how much he loved them.
During the memorial ceremony, an extremely courageous Kaley took the stage in front of hundreds of people to offer some of her fondest memories of her dad. For as long as I’m alive, I’ll never forget these words:
“I love my dad. He was my world. When I get married I want to find a man who will love me like my dad loved my mom. I never see love like that anywhere else, but I know it exists because I witnessed it everyday.”
I had a pretty good grip on my emotions until that point, but then the floodgates opened. Kaley watched me play basketball when she was Little DDW’s age. When Little DDW isn’t so “Little,” will she say that she wants to find a man who loves her as much as I love MDW? I sure hope so.
What about you?
Will your kids say that you and your spouse are the Gold Standard when it comes to how love should be demonstrated? Or will they look to some celebrity couple as their love role models?
You may think your kids never listen to you, but they are always listening and always observing. Be the person you want your kids to be, and then challenge them to be better. Wade did that with his one and only child, and he always motivates me to do that for Little DDW as well.
LESSON 5 – Don’t wait to reconnect. Kaley wasn’t done. Also during her speech she said that many people in her parents’ High School class moved away from Massachusetts after they graduated (like me). She openly asked, “There is so much love in this room right now. But why does it take something bad to happen for people to get together?”
Great question.
I still don’t have an answer, but this amazing young lady made me reflect on how I go about things.
All of us have old friends who we love. They could be from High School, college, an old job, a previous city you resided in, etc. but you spend time wondering, “How is he/she doing?” You may lurk on that person’s Facebook page or Twitter feed, but you never do much more than that.
I challenge you to do better.
If there’s an old friend who’s on your mind, take a moment to pick up the phone and call that person this week. Don’t send an email and don’t post two sentences on the person’s Facebook wall – do what we would’ve done when we were kids, namely, have a conversation with that person (I know it’s antiquated, but give it a try). If you live in the general vicinity of that individual, set some time aside to meet for lunch and/or coffee.
Did you have a nasty argument with a childhood friend and you lost touch because of it? Put your big kid pants on, pick up your phone, and make amends. Life is too short to hold silly grudges.
I love my childhood friends. This past Saturday night, over 30 of Kim and Wade’s closest friends and family spent time at their house, listened to Michael Jackson’s epic Off The Wall album, shared old stories, and laughed like I never laughed in years. Yes, it’s possible to have times like this with new friends, but there is something special about being around people who’ve known you ever since you were a kid.
Old friends know your weaknesses/shortcomings and accept them.
Old friends have your back whenever new people talk shit about you.
Old friends know exactly what it takes to make you laugh.
Old friends keep you humble.
Old friends love you unconditionally.
Old friends aren’t really friends. They’re family.
Marriage, kids, jobs, moving away, etc. always get in the way of staying close with childhood friends, and I’m here to say don’t let that happen. The time you spend watching television can be spent talking to an old friend. I promise that you’ll feel pretty awesome after doing so.
Even during a really sad day, I can’t remember feeling as good as I did when I was hanging out with my childhood friends this past weekend. I will make a point to be more active in their lives, and I hope you do the same with your childhood friends as well.
LESSON 6 – Love the crust. Speaking of hanging out with Kim and our old friends on Saturday night, she said something extremely funny but also incredibly deep.
“Remember one of Chris Rock’s old comedy routines? He said, ‘When you love someone, you gotta love everything about them. You gotta love the CRUST of a motherfucker! You can’t love just the white part of the bread! You gotta love the crust and the tiny crumbs at the bottom of the toaster.’ That’s how I felt about Wade. I loved the crust of that man, and he loved my crust too.”
Again, quoted for truth.
You have crust, I have crust, we ALL have crust. When you see an attractive celebrity on television, you better believe that he or she has crust too.
So here’s the question – do you love your spouse’s crust? Do you simply tolerate it? Or do you just hate it?
After talking with Kim, I realized that I tolerated MDW’s crust. Granted she doesn’t have nearly the amount of crust that I have, but she has some. For example, she has a horrible habit of leaving used Kleenex tissue in our bathroom. She’ll just blow her nose and leave it on a countertop. Disgusting, right? I always tell her about this, but she never does anything about it. Then on the plane ride home, I thought about how devastated I’d be if she passed away. I’d be begging for those snot-filled tissues to be lying around the bathroom again. I realized that I was the guy who only ate the white part of the bread. The CRUST is what makes a person special.
Stop complaining about the crust of your motherfucker…er, spouse. If he or she died today, you’d miss the hell out of it, trust me. Love everything about your spouse, including the crusty parts.
LESSON 7 – Own your bombness. During the Saturday night gathering, the subject of this here DDW blog came up in conversation. This is how it went down.
Random Lady: “I hear you’re an author of a blog. Daddy Does Work or something?”
Me: “Yes, I am. It’s called Daddy Doin’ Work. It’s not a big deal…I’m a blogger who shares musings about being a dad and other random stuff.”
My twin brother: “First off, it IS a big deal. In your genre, it’s easily the best that’s out there.”
Kim: “Yes, I agree it’s very good.”
Twin: “You really need to own your bombness, man.”
Me: “Huh?”
Twin: “You’re like a bomb, and bombs are meant to explode. Explode and let everyone see how great you are…don’t keep that shit inside. You’re doing amazing things with your words.”
Me: “OK, then. I’m a blogger who…”
Twin: “And you’re not a damn blogger…you’re a writer.”
Me: “OK, I’m a writer who adds value to his readers. How’s that?”
Twin: “You’re getting there.”
As good-looking as these two are, they are even better people.
As the conversation continued, Kim mentioned how she and Wade always “owned their bombness” as a couple. When they were together, they were absolutely stunning. You honestly won’t find a better looking couple that’s not on television or in movies. On top of that, they’re funny, loving, smart, kind, and hard-working.
You don’t have to be an egotistical douchebag to own your bombness. As a matter of fact, many people who do are quite humble. If you’re good at something, be proud of it. Wade and Kim are proud of the years they spent together, they’re proud of the type of parents they are to Kaley, they’re proud of their educations, they’re proud of being role-models for the way life should be lived.
Even after Wade’s passing, Kim owns their bombness.
Do you own yours?
Tick, tick, tick…BOOM.
The scene at Wade’s memorial. It was standing-room only by the time it started.
LESSON 8 – The power of being a GAD. Just so you know, a GAD is a Good-Ass Dude, and Wade was a Good-Ass Dude. Everybody loved him and our community rallied around him as he embarked on the battle of his life. Just to give you an idea of how much Wade was loved, well over 700 people attended his memorial service. It was a cold and rainy day, but people would not be denied. They HAD to be there. Childhood friends, new friends, teachers, classmates, basketball teammates, basketball opponents, and people from literally all over the country dropped everything to be there to pay their respects.
That’s what happens when you’re a GAD.
When it’s your time to die, how will you be remembered?
Will there be the outpouring of love for you that there was for Wade? Will people gladly travel 3,000 miles to attend your memorial service? Will people have nothing but nice things to say about you? Will your kids say that you are the best role-model they could ever ask for? Will your spouse say that he or she is the luckiest person in the world to be married to such a loving person for so long?
That’s what happens when you’re a Good-Ass Dude (or a Good-Ass Woman).
If you’re not one, be one.
If you are one, carry on.
LESSON 9 – Don’t quit. Wade was a fighter. I wasn’t by his bedside when he was going through chemotherapy, but I was in constant communication with Kim. You have to understand something about my dear friend Kim – she was in the process of getting her Masters degree when Wade was diagnosed in Spring 2012. Kim spoke to Wade and told him that she was going to drop out of school to take care of him. He looked her in the eye and said, “You better not quit. You’re going to get that degree.”
You know what’s hard? Driving back and forth from Massachusetts to the Cancer Treatment Center of America in Philadelphia to take care of the only man she ever loved, being a mom to a teenager, pursuing a Masters degree, and not having a nervous breakdown in the process.
That’s hard.
And guess what?
Kim got that degree – because Wade refused to let her quit.
I’m not sure if Wade knew about my all-time favorite quote courtesy of Will Smith, but he lived it.
How many times have you gotten off of the treadmill? Check that – have you even gotten on the treadmill?
Living in Los Angeles has taught me something: the most successful people in this town (and anywhere else, for that matter), aren’t the prettiest, they aren’t the smartest, they aren’t the most well connected, they aren’t the richest, and they aren’t the funniest.
They are simply the people who refuse to quit.
My dear friend died on the proverbial treadmill on November 27, 2012 because he refused to get off.
I’m absolutely willing to die on that treadmill when it comes to my family and causes I believe in.
What about you?
LESSON 10 – Treasure old memories. As I type this final lesson, the tears are flowing down my face. However, they’re not flowing due to sadness. They’re flowing because I’m so blessed to have a friend like Wade in my life. We went to school together, we played ball together, we had sleepovers together, we cried together, we laughed together, and we grew up together. When we talked over the phone after he was diagnosed, he said that he thought of me as a brother, not a friend. I will always remember and cherish that.
Cancer may have taken his body from this earth, but that’s all this horrible disease can take. It can’t take away our memories and the fun we had together.
At the beginning of this post, I said that probably 10% of my readers knew Wade personally. Now I can confidently say that 100% of you now know Wade personally.
I bet you want to give him a hug, I bet you want to see his glowing smile, I bet you want to say “Thank you” for inspiring you as much as he inspires me everyday.
I titled this post Life After Death, because I know my life will be vastly improved after his passing. That’s not to say that I don’t miss him terribly, because I do – it’s because I know that he would want all of the lives he touched to be better afterwards, and I refuse to let him down.
If you’re unhappy with any aspect of your life, will you choose to make it better?
The choice is yours.
I promise you that Wade will be smiling if you make the right decision.
Rest In Peace, Wade Anthony McDowell, Jr.
May 6, 1975 – November 27, 2012
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What a handsome, special man. I am so honored to be able to “get to know” the story of Wade and his beautiful family. Kim & Kaley, I am so very sorry for your loss. **hugs** to you Doyin.
Ur friend sounds like an incredible human being ddw, thank u 4 sharing him with us! I am absolutely inspired by this man his wife his child and by u, think I’ve just had a moment, 1 of those that changes ur life!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Absolutely beautiful. Tears rolling down the whole time. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing! You have me in tears at my desk, not only do I feel your grief of losing a dear friend but also the words you wrote here spoke to my heart. Thank you for doing what you do! Don’t ever stop, there is always someone who wants and/or needs to hear it!
Wow, this one cut me a little too raw, way too close to home, BUT also in a good way. I’ve been having a really hard time recently, obsessing about 8 little words ‘there’s nothing more we can do for you’ I let those words derail me, and I’ve been having a huge pity me party, but reading about Wade made me realise, I’ve never given a damn about timelines, prognosis’s, or any negativity, so why am I now? Your brother was right DDW, you are much, much more than just a blogger. Thank you for sharing Wade x
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing him with all of us.
Tears….this is a beautiful memorial of your dear friend. Thank you for sharing him with us. My condolences to you and all who loved him.
Thank you for daring to be the writer you are.
I didn’t know Wade…what I do know is that I now mourn his passing! I love the fact that I can relate to what you write!
Beautiful!
What an amazing tribute, and quite honestly, *legacy* that Wade has left for not only those that knew and loved him, but clearly for anyone who has come into contact with him. Thank you for finding a way for your readers to come into contact with Wade.
Your family and friends (and especially Wade’s family) are in my thoughts during this difficult time.
~Cher
I agree with what Tessa said above. You are so much more than just a blogger, and I don’t think you own your bombness nearly as much as you should. Do you realize the amount of talent it takes to make readers pee their pants in laughter one week and cry hysterically the next? You have a gift, sir.
I also lost a childhood friend to cancer two years ago and it tore me apart. If I was eloquent with my words as you are, I’d write something similar about her.
Thank you for doing what you do, and don’t ever stop!
Great post buddy. I’m re-posting on my daddy blogger site.
Through the magic of friends brought together by friends on Facebook, and the luck of clicking on a particular link, I had the great fortune of reading your beautiful tribute this morning. You were right, I didn’t know Wade, or for that matter you, but now I do, and I’m very glad I do. I feel for your loss of such a fine and amazing person, but please know that your gift to we the readers of the Interwebs, of his spirit, through your writing is so precious! Please know that I for one treasure this. Keep up the good work you’re doin’ Daddy.
I had several friends at that service. While I did not know Wade personally, this blog really drew me in. Thank you. I will definitely share.
Wonderful article about a wonderful man. We all need to take these lessons to heart. I was (am still part of the time) obsessing about little things that really didn’t matter much. Even big things, like really not enough money to live on, etc. but I was taught a lesson that I wish I had not had to learn. Nine years ago December 7, my oldest son died. Doesn’t matter too much how or where but all of a sudden I knew what the important things were, my other children, my wonderful, loving (all right some times annoying) husband and other family. It sounds like your friend had his priorities straight. I love that he had such a wonderful smile. My son might not have accomplished a lot in his 31 years, but he sure did bring a smile to almost anyone he met. There were no strangers, he could talk to anyone. I miss him and this article reminded me of some of the reasons. Oh, and if some of you are saying, she still feels this way after 9 years, you have not lost a child yourself. I will miss him until the day I die. I am thankful that I had him for 31 years, but would have liked another 31. He did leave a legacy though, my family drew closer together and have stayed that way. If you still have your children, parents, spouse, tell them today how important they are to you. You never know when you might not get another chance,. Thanks for letting me ramble.
What a wonderful way to honor our dear friend. This is has given me so much to look at in the wake of this tragedy. These are the definite “take aways” from a life well lived. <3
I am new to your blog, I found it about 2-3 weeks ago. However, I feel it was perfect timing. I was MEANT to read this. Tears streaming now, I am finally going to make some decisions in my life. I used to be like Wade in alot of ways. I let some things/people change me, and not for the best.
I’m a MDW of 4 kids and I support our family of 6 alone. I have been quite crabby and depressed, struggling to make ends meet. They deserve the mom they used to have. Everyone deserves the me I used to be! They need more smiles and damnit, thank you, and a big thanks to Wade as he is looking down, for making me realize this. Thank you so much for sharing this remarkable man’s story.
My heart goes out to Wade’s beautiful family and friends. It is a difficult road. When you get some time, look for the poem, The Dash. It coincides with your blog message.
Thank you for sharing a wonderful friend with all of us. Fortunately, I learned all these things first hand, 12 years ago. Not through the passing of a friend, or family member, but through mine. I was in a pretty bad car accident. I was unresponsive, and brought back to life. After the coma, and the hospital, and then rehab, I found myself surrounded by love of family and friends. And my rock was right by me the whole time. My husband instantly calmed me by walking into the room, when I was “asleep”. I re-learned many every day things, but I didn’t quit. I learned a lot about myself through the struggles. And I realized how much I love my husband, ‘crust’ and all. I’m thankful every day for those little blessings that go unnoticed.
I don’t have the prettiest smile, but I believe smiles are gifts you can give to anyone you meet, whether you know them or not. A smile doesn’t cost you anything, so why not be generous with them?
You were so blessed to have such a wonderful friend, This had me in tears from the beginning….I lost my twin sister to cancer on November 19, 2010 and so much of this reminded me of her. The picture of Wade in bed with the smile…..that was my sister.
Thank you so much for writing this about your “brother” it really did help me with the loss of my sister.
That’s a special tribute, Doyin. Great Stuff. I remember those days at Mill River and share every sentiment – we lost a good one. Maybe the best. Thanks for writing this post, hope all is well!
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful! GREAT job … I am sure Wade is smiling down as each and everyone one of us is touched by your words!
Dear DDW,
I luv u and thank u for this loving post about my grandson. Wade from the time he was born was truly a loveable child. I am truly honored and blessed to have had a grandson who understood the gift of life and lived it to the end. He was truly a loveable husband and father. Wade will always be remembered by family and friends. RIP my dearest grandson. Nana Rona
Wade sounds like one of those people who made your life better just because he was in it. I am truly honored to have the chance to learn about him through your eyes. Doyin what a wonderful tribute you made for such a special, special person. Wade reminds me of my mom she always pushed me to keep fighting. Even when she was dying of cancer she wanted to know that I would keep pushing hard to make the best life for myself. I know right now Wade is smiling that megawatt smile and he’s honored to know how much you learned from him.
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Again, you have me in tears. You speak the truth and you do it so well. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend – the world needs more people like him (and you).
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What a wonderful post. You are absolutely right! If you didn’t know Wade before, you surely know him now!! May God continue to bless your spirit…..Peace
What a big task, to take on writing about the life of such a powerful force. What an awesome job you did!! Thank you for introducing us to Wade, he is obviously an amazing man that we can ALL learn from.
I sweat small stuff so bad, I need to chill on that. I am going to work very hard on it!! Thanks DDW! You ARE an amazing writer! <3
Wow… I thank you for sharing your friend with me. In doing so, you have shown me a mirror, and I don’t like some of what I see in myself. I’m going to change it, today, right now. Sorry in the passing if your dear friend. Thank you, again.
I knew Kim and Wade through Kim’s sister, Millicent.
I learned what an amazing person he was through this blog.
Thanks for sharing the eagle eye view of a great life lived.
I kept myself composed until the last lesson. You are blessed and have shared this with so many people and I think that is something your friend would smile about. Thank you for sharing him with us. I will be going to sleep all the more grateful for the gifts in my life because of both of you.
What an absolutely well-written article. Feeling totally blessed after reading it. Will probably be rereading it often. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Catching up on posts, Doyin, and just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for your loss, how amazing you are as a person and a writer, how proud Wade would be of you and how much you inspire me.
Love,
Sonja
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This page was truly a wonderfully refreshing read. I did not know Wade personally, but he was close to members of my family. I attended a fundraiser for him this past June. It was at this fundraiser where I felt just how special this man was to so many others. I’d think of him months later after the fundraiser, and asked someone in my family how he was doing. He was still holding on good and I was so glad to hear it. A few weeks after he passed, I got the news, and was very crushed by it. The pain and sorrow is really for us that are left behind with a deep sense of loss…when a bright shining, good soul leaves us. That good soul has simply moved on to a freeness that we can’t even imagine! Rest in Paradise, Dear Wade A. McDowell, Jr.
The memorial was a sad sad day. <\3